Which was supposed to go directly above the ‘and boy’ post about Davies but things related to tea got in the way!
Anyway, this is about my Dad.
I’ve always considered me and my Dad have an easy, very good relationship. We share many traits (most of the ones which annoy my mother :lol:) and although I can’t really think how I’d meet a man 35 years my senior who doesn’t move in any of my circles he is someone I would choose as a friend to spend time with even if we weren’t related. He has always fitted the ideal model of what you would want from a Dad, he is kind, patient, strong, loves me uncondtionally, there when I need him and a solid, dependable force. He makes me laugh, forgives me my mistakes and still has the power to reassure me that everything will be OK even when I make big, proper, grown up cock ups instead of minor childhood and teenage mistakes.
But there is one thing he really doesn’t support me in at all. He thinks I am making a huge error, doing potential damage to my children and my own life and following completely the wrong path.
Home Education.
He doesn’t agree with it, doesn’t get it, doesn’t see it working and never, ever will.
I thought we’d come to a sort of agree to disagree type impasse on it, we rarely discuss it now aside from when one or other (or both of us) has been drinking or is otherwise spoiling for a fight (both of us can be quite beligerant with drink, particularly with each other) and the odd snidey comment from him when one of the children demonstrates any trait he can ‘blame’ on HE. But it appears I am wrong. Far from quitely accepting it and just waiting to see the proof of the pudding so to speak it appears he has simply given up talking to me about it but continues to be very vocal about it to my Mum. 🙁
He has been slightly awkward about having the children one afternoon a week which surprised me as he gets on well with both of them, particularly dotes on Tarly and is much beloved by them both, particularly with his ‘Only Grandad’ status. I discovered from my Mum last week that this is all to do with him thinking they should be in school. Apparently he’d be quite happy to collect them from school (as I explained them being in school would be even more disruptive to my 11 working hours a week involving Breakfast Clubs and after school child care).
My Dad grew up in a fairly remote Welsh village where there was one school for all the children aged 4 to 11, he’s an August birthday so would have been one of the very youngest when he started. His very early school days were during WW2 and he would be the first to admit he is from a different era. He was born to older parents, an only child who had what sounds now to be a fairly idyllic childhood albeit a poor one, many of his attitudes are very Victorian and whilst he is an excellent parent in many ways he seemed out of touch with modern life when I was a child 30 years ago so the world Davies and Scarlett inhabit and will grow to live in as adults is simply beyond his comprehension.
He is also fairly critical about schools today in this country and will spend hours telling you what is wrong with them and how they should be changed. I have often said to him that I agree with all he says about schools but changing schools is not within my power – ensuring my children recieve the right education for them is, hence the choice to Home Educate. I think he would be more comfortable if we had a structured approach. Hothousing would be justifiable to him providing I could demonstrate the children were getting a rich and varied backup of activities and socialising. But of course we don’t do that. My six year old isn’t reading when he comes round, he’s playing X box instead, the children are not sitting with maths workbooks they are playing some crazy game involving running round the house pretending to go on holiday camping (don’t even get him started on camping! :roll:). He’s been to the children’s parties, he’s seen them running in packs with their huge number of friends, he’s seen the pictures and heard them talk with enthusiasm and passion about camps, get togethers and parties. Every time they see him they are bubbling over with chatter about walks in the woods, Beavers, Badgers, making animated films, trips to the cinema, things they have made, ideas they have had, they are noisy, animated and alive little children but all he can think is that they should be in school.
I have told him that I would have far more respect for his viewpoint if he was talking from an educated standpoint, that his experience of school is outdated and his experience of Home Education is nil. That I have a shelf full of books which he is welcome to read on the subject and I will happily talk to him all day and all night about any genuine specific concerns or questions he has. He is not prepared to do this, he simply states that they should be in school.
My Mum is fairly opinionless on the matter – she tends to agree with the person who made the most recent good point. She too is utterly clueless about autonomy – a fair viewpoint in many ways, it took me several years to grasp it – and says ambiguous things like ‘well I hope you’re doing the right thing. I’m not saying it’s right and I’m not saying it’s wrong’ but she can at least see that I am making an educated decision about the welfare, happiness and development of my children, from an unselfish, caring parent point of view. That this is not some silly whim, some fad of mine that I heard a bit about so decided to try, that this is something I have spent the last four years researching, building up a network of friends and social contacts, constantly reevaluating and rethinking. That being a HE family shapes our lives day to day, week to week, year to year and is what we have given over our lives to doing for the time being rather than what I happen to choose to do term time from 9am-3pm Monday to Friday.
So what do I do? My Dad’s approval does matter to me. A lot. I do care that he thinks I’m making a grave mistake, it hurts that he thinks I’m doing something so wrong and doesn’t appear to be giving me credit for what I consider to be a pretty good job so far. I feel that if the children are successful then he will consider that ‘in spite’ of Home Education rather than because of it. And such blatant doubt on a bad day can make even the most fervant believer in what I’m doing feel a little niggle of doubt when most of my life has been about realising that actually Dad did know best after all…
I’d find that really hard. My mum is an ex-teacher and I think that our choice to HE was one of the biggest challenges I ever threw her. We don’t really talk about it much but I know that she is coming round – just from little comments here and there.
Early on I told my mum that I didn’t really care what she thought (though I do value her opinions hugely) because we were sure about what we were doing. Also that we only had one shot at being parents and we had to do what we believed best.
I think that sometimes it really is true that parents can’t understand their children’s choices because they are from a different era. I suspect that for a lot of people of our parents’ generation, school=education=prospect of a happy and successful life. They are fearful that we are throwing away our childrens’ chances.
I suspect that there is nothing more you can do, except give it time. Once the children are older they will be able to explain things to your dad – and maybe that will convince him!
Comment by Allie — 20 February 2007 @ 11:58 pm
Theres a very uncomfortable line that I think we all cross at some point. On one side our parents are always right, they always knew best and even when we were at our absolute worst through the teenage years although we would never have dared admit it we did know deep down that probaby, actually they might just have a point. On the other side of that line our parents are only human and sometimes wrong and thats hard to accept and very scary, especially after years of having to eventually admit that they were indeed right. And what made them so confident and sure on one side just seems to make them arrogant and stubborn on the other. He might never believe that home education is the right way or better than school but deep down he knows that you believe you are doing and being the best you possibly can, after all, he helped create and shape you. Without him you wouldn’t be who you are today.
Comment by Lucy — 21 February 2007 @ 10:58 pm