The day before New Years Eve. Is probably one I will never, ever forget.
In the morning we had one of our Family Conferences. We had had a lot of the four of us worrying about what each other was doing rather than what we were doing ourselves – me as much as anyone else – and I was feeling really pissed off. So I made everyone write a list of how they wanted their life to be, what they would like everyone else to do and read them all out to see how much our expectations of ourselves and each other differed. I wanted us to all talk about stuff like time of getting up in the morning, going to bed, how much time we spend together and how much of our own space we have, what is important to us as individuals and as a family unit. They other three always roll their eyes when I do stuff like this but it always makes everyone feel so much happier and empathic towards each other and helps shape the choices we make.
I have also been wobbling madly about life on Rum generally, these last few months have just been too bloody hard being away from Sussex, my Mum, Dad and Frazer’s little family. I have always said that I can justify living so far away, offset the challenging living conditions and put up with all that life on Rum has to test us with if living there is fulfilling enough of the dreams that the four of us have. I needed some affirmation that it still does. I cried and ranted at everyone and explained that from my point of view I was prepared to re-look at what we all wanted and move back to the mainland. I have always been the one leading the other three and they have followed along on a lot of my wilder plans, that dynamic has altered as the kids have gotten older. I told them all that ‘I would get on the ferry and leave Rum tomorrow. I am not sure this is meeting all our needs and it’s too tough living this way if it is not doing that’.
The lists were very interesting reading. We talked about our ideal day and how the other three fit into that, what our expectations are on each other and debated whether they are fair or realistic. Ady would rather everyone was up fairly early, Davies and I are not really prepared to do that as we both value our time alone after everyone else has gone to bed – me in the lounge, Davies using his phone in bed, to catch up online with friends, blog etc. Scarlett wants to spend more time together doing family activities like walks, Ady wants more help and input on feeding the animals, he is less interested in the growing crops side of stuff, he wants to spend more time with me on taking the croft forward. I am keen to continue with writing work and it’s important to me that we eat lunch and dinner together every day. Both Ady and I felt we wanted to get more involved in volunteer stuff down in the village, particularly around the things we are passionate and interested in – socialising and events. Davies wants to develop some more business ideas and wants help with that, Scarlett wants to do more crafts with me. I feel the children should be helping more with some of the practical tasks which keep the croft running. It was really positive to talk about all this stuff and articulate some of what niggles us. It’s interesting to vocalise calmly what makes us cross with each other especially as it doesn’t always manifest itself as related to that. I was really concerned that living on Rum was making our lives harder without adding much, the lists from the others showed me that actually many of the specifics of living on Rum are essential to the aspects of their life which are really important to them.
The end result was a list of things we are all going to be more tolerant and accepting of in each other, a list of things we are allowed to nag / berate in each other, a bit more of a shape to our days and some more motivation for all of us. It’s far easier to be accepting of someone’s behaviour if you appreciate how important doing that is to them, far easier to modify some of your actions if you fully realise the impact on others. I spent so many hours trying to make my parents have conversations like this with each other when I was a child / young teen and not understanding how if you claim to love someone you would want to change everything about them, particularly if it is going to make them unhappy. It’s all too easy to lose track of that clarify when you live in the situation yourself though.
So, a fairly intense and emotional start to that day. I was already knackered as a result. We’d also been debating long and hard how to spend new years eve. Our first year on Rum we had attended a communal meal, our second had been with the Barts visiting, last year the weather was poor and the four of us stayed home alone up on the croft. This year we had a couple of possible options down in the village – beers at the shop with some live music happening later in the hall, a party at Fliss’ or we could stay home again. I was wanting to spend it with Rum friends but Davies and Scarlett were not keen on Fliss’ party as they other little kids would be there and the last few times we’ve been down for an evening the kids have left early to go home. That’s fine on a normal evening and I love that they can do that but on NYE I wanted to be with them at midnight so was worried we’d either get dragged away from a good evening with friends to go home with the kids when they’d had enough, or feel bad that they were hanging around waiting for us but not enjoying themselves. We were still undecided.
Ady and the kids had gone to bed but I was aware Ady was not right. He was uncomfortable sitting watching a dvd and kept wriggling about but claimed it was indigestion. Then he got back up and said he was now in pain. It sounded like trapped wind so he took some tablets for that (which I had had previously in the year so had stocked up on) and we googled exercises to help with that and he did some lying on the floor bringing his legs up. He was getting worse rather than better and then started being really sick. That was the point, retrospectively, when I should have taken over and called the helicopter but we are still in mainland mentality and don’t want to be a bother or hysterical or waste precious medical experts time. I think dialling 999 was drummed into us as kids as something you ONLY do in an emergency and as such I have only ever dialled it once before in my life when there was a car crash just outside our house. It was obvious Ady needed some attention though so I rang 111 and spoke to NHS direct. I would probably not bother doing that again, it took about 5 minutes (which is a really long time when you have a groaning husband throwing up) to even speak to an actual person and they were reading down a checklist of heart attack symptoms which I had already long since done myself. I was pretty sure it was not a heart attack and suspected food poisoning or appendicitis, both of which I thought would require off island assistance. On the mainland I would have taken him to A&E, as that was not an option to do myself, I should have taken the Rum version which is helicopter but it always feels so dramatic to airlift someone off the island.
NHS direct had no one available to speak to me so said they’d ring back. 15 minutes later he was in worse pain and starting to scare me so I wanted to ring 999 but he was with it enough to tell me not to so I rang 111 again. They told me to give him paracetamol and that a doctor would call me back. Finally I spoke to someone who was able to make the call for me that it was beyond anything in our first aid kit and that he needed to be seen by a doctor so he would sort out the helicopter. That all took well over an hour and I would not have done it that way with hindsight.
From then on I was talking to coastguard and helicopter control units. Ady laid on the sofa and although I kept checking on him he said he’d rather be left alone. He dozed a little but with in a lot of pain and I was more worried he was falling unconscious. Scarlett was asleep but Davies was wide awake. I went in to him and he was just sitting on his bed looking terrified so I got him up and we sat in the bedroom where there was phone signal and we could see the helicopter if it came. We saw lights start moving around in the village and then a car coming half way up the croft, moving both our cars out of the way to get past. It was Sean and Dave in coastguard mode. Sean gave Ady some of his own asprins (Sean has had heart problems and a bypass op) and then they started clearing and lighting up a spot on the croft. I had been discussing with the helicopter where to land – usually they land infront of the castle but I had explained it would mean me walking Ady down to the village and that the croft would be better as 20 acres of open grassland and a caravan as a marker. We’d had all the lights on so that we could be seen from above and that ran the lighting battery out so I had to disconnect that as it was buzzing so we were down to torches and candles.
Finally at 415am the helicopter landed behind the caravan. I had been told he’d be being taking to the hospital in FW so had booked accommodation for that night for me and the kids and Bonnie as there was a ferry later that day. It was a naval helicopter and the guy who came in said they’d be taking him to Glasgow for the cardiac unit though. I then started to worry that actually it was his heart as that was clearly what everyone was responding to. He asked Ady to grade his pain on a scale of 1-10 and Ady said 10. Then they swept him away. Sean and Dave headed off and suddenly it was 5am and everything was quiet. Scarlett made us all a drink and then I sent the kids to bed to try and get some sleep. I wanted to give the helicopter the 30 mins needed to get to the hospital and then speak to someone for an update once he’d been admitted, particularly as it now sounded like it might be his heart. Except I had no signal suddenly. This was the scariest part, although I knew Ady was now on the way to hospital I could not reach him, they could not reach me, it made me realise how lucky I’d been to have signal earlier to ring everyone. It was freezing cold as the fire had long since gone out, dark because the battery had run out and it was not safe to start the genny as I thought it probably needed refilling with petrol which Ady usually does in the morning. I was knackered from the whole day’s adventures and wondering if I’d ever actually see Ady again. I debated waking the kids to say I was going down to the village to use someone’s phone but didn’t really want to leave them alone after everything and didn’t want to drag them down with me either.
I decided to book a car for later that day and try and change the hotel booking to Glasgow so put the internet on, reckoning I had about 30 minutes worth of charge in that battery. I got that done and then decided to see if there was an app to make a phone call using wifi to the hospital. I found one, downloaded it, it didn’t work because it needed to send me a text to verify which needed signal to get the text (which later came through about 7am just as I finally fell asleep), I found another one and actually got through. They put me on hold and then suddenly Ady was on the line. He sounded drunk with the morphine, and very far away but alive. It was 6am and I knew I had a really long day ahead so I went to bed but was so cold and hyped up I couldn’t sleep or read or anything. If it had been light I could have started tidying up but it was gone 8am before it was light so I laid there trying to compose a plan and a list of what needed doing.
At 830am Sean, Ali and Eve came up having been down at their house doing the same since Sean had gotten home. Sean was helicoptered off with a heart attack the year before we moved to Rum. He had a bypass and a full recovery but Ali with baby Eve had been in the same situation as me (albeit in a house with landline and power) so they really understood what I was going through. They offered to drive us down to Glasgow and to take Bonnie and look after the animal feeding. I took them up on the Bonnie sitting as I had planned to take her with me but knew she would hate it and be another burden for me, and the animal feeding but had already sorted out car hire and felt I would be better having a car at my disposal. Ady had rung to say they now suspected gallstones and his heart was fine so the initial panic was abating and the more practical side of everything was starting to feel overwhelming.
Scarlett fed the animals and cleaned up the muddy footprints all over the static, I washed up (there was so much washing up!), tied up the wind turbine, found holdalls and packed trying to remember stuff like contact lenses, sat nat, chargers and stuff. We’ve never had a speedy departure from Rum before. I managed to cancel the Bonnie part of the booking. For someone who is mildly phone phobic I spent more time on the phone in 8 hours than in the last 5 years! Scarlett was amazing at all the supporting role stuff – doing all the making breakfast and insisting I eat, packing up stuff for lunch, emptying the fridge into a carrier bag to take to the freezer so we didn’t come back to a fridge full of gone off food etc. Davies is excellent at the supportive presence stuff and making me laugh. We were a good team.
Finally it was nearly ferry time so we drove down to the boat via the freezer, dropped off the rubbish I’d thought to bring down and a few folk came to see us off – Neil & Lesley, Sean & Ali, Fliss. On the boat I started to panic a bit, the next issue was not having the code for the key safe with the car keys in it. I had rung everyone I could think of to ask and got nowhere. The bloke who manages the practical stuff works for Calmac on the pier so I was hoping the reason he was not answering his phone was because he was at work, meanwhile folk on Rum were trying to find out the code for me too. By the time we docked I had a text message with the code and Stewart was there to meet me with the code too. Into the car and on the road by 4pm. We stopped at FW to get some bottled water and sweets but otherwise drove straight through. It was a hideous drive really, I was so, so tired, it was snowing or raining for most of the drive, all in the dark, on windy potholed roads. Hitting Glasgow was a relief in some ways as the lighting was better but scary in others as I’ve not drive at motorway speeds for 5 years! It was NYE though so traffic was very light and we found the hospital easily, parked up and dashed in.
Ady looked dreadful. Old, ill, in pain and like a 20 years older version of himself. I was trying so hard to hold it all together as I didn’t want to upset him or scare the kids. We didn’t stay very long as we were hungry, tired and as yet had not told anyone other than those on Rum what was happening. We drove to the hotel, found a restaurant within the same complex (it’s a huge place with cinema, shopping mall, supermarkets and loads of food options) and got some food ordered. I rang my parents with a very brief ‘this has happened, it’s all fine, I don’t know much more at this stage, I’ll let you know as soon as I do’ call, persuaded the staff bringing our food and being horrified that we had *children* in there after 10pm to let us at least eat before we left and then pushed food around our plates. Checked in to the hotel and saw in 2016 with the London fireworks on TV and the curtains open over Glasgow. Finally got into bed around 1am, a full 24 hours after I should have done…
New Years Day was back to the hospital in the morning. Ady was looking a bit better. I asked for some soap for him to have a shower and we then realised he had not got spare clean pants in his rucksack, so the kids and I headed off to Asda to get food for them and clean pants and shower gel for Ady. We stayed with him until about 7pm. I did manage to find a doctor to talk to and asked all the questions Ady had not about what was happening, what they thought it might be and what the possible options for treatment were and what the various medications he was on were for. I felt a bit better for having had that chat. The evening got late again but I slept really well.
Saturday – I left the kids to have a chilled morning and went into hospital on my own. I was there for the consultants morning rounds and got a clearer picture and was able to ask lots more questions. We were told Monday / Tuesday for the MRI scan and learned it may be a few weeks before he is ready to go home which rather floored me. I left and rang my Dad and had to sit on a bench outside the hospital to have a bit of a cry before going into the car park. The relief of knowing he is ok and it’s anything really, really scary tempered with the come down of the adrenaline of the previous couple of days and the realisation that this could be a huge amount of time off Rum was starting to sink in. I think I have now managed to drive every possible route to the hospital and have a very intimate knowledge of the road layout between the hotel and hospital and every landmark inbetween, along with all the ways to get back on track after you take the wrong exit off the roundabout! 😉 I collected the kids and we went into the mall on the hotel complex – considering it was selected in the middle of the night for proximity to the hospital we have been really lucky – it has a huge shopping mall, cinema and restaurants all nearby. Perfect for people who left home in a hurry packing enough clothes for just 3 days and only have croftin’ clothes anyway. Davies needed shoes, they both needed pants and socks, Scarlett needed pjs, Ady had conceded that slippers might be useful for him to start walking around inside the hospital (he left Rum in wellies) so it was Primark to the rescue! Then on to the hospital. We finally had our KFC for dinner that night – the previous 2 nights they had been closed by the time we arrived there thanks to NYE and NYday.
Sunday – We decided that getting breakfast would be sensible as kids eat free so if we ate late and lots then we would not need lunch. We did that and then the kids went back to the room while I had an hour or so shopping by myself. I needed stuff like contact lens cleaner so I can make my small amount of disposable lenses I brought off with me last a few weeks if needs be. I also needed some more tops so found some very cheap in the sales. I went along to the hospital then back to collect the kids to bring them back with me. We went to Sainsburys on the way for various supplies and then spent a couple of hours with Ady. He was looking much better and had been put onto tablet antibiotics rather than iv drip so was feeling much freer. We had a walk down to the foyer and back up (nine flights of stairs!). The kids and I had Pizza Express for dinner which was an unexpected triumph! We saw the fox we’ve been watching out of the hotel window in the car park on the walk back to the hotel and Scarlett got really close to it – a proper urban Fox and the Child moment 😉 Scarlett had a bath and |I brushed her hair meaning a very late night.
Monday – This morning Ady woke me from a very lucid dream about NYE on Rum where I’d been having a great time with friends but Ady and the kids had made me leave early to go home. We’d arrived home in time to see midnight but then they disappeared to do something else meaning I spent midnight on my own. I had been so furious and upset with them in my dream so when Ady rang it really disorientated me. He was delighted to have had his cannula finally removed and had not realised it was still early (for me 😉 ). We all went in to the hospital where he was looking sad and ill again having been sick 🙁 He is also really bored and lonely and struggling with doing nothing and being inside all the time. I have offered books, puzzle books and all sorts of other options, he has TV, radio and internet in the room but really wants company or to just not be there. So tough 🙁 If we were nearer to anyone he would at least have more visitors although I am there for at least 6 hours most days that still leaves lots of empty hours and none of the communal eating, watching stuff and just being together we normally have. It’s the weirdest week of our lives I think. Mairi who had mysteriously not been in touch finally rang me yesterday to say she;d been away for NY and was now back and had caught up having had no phone or wifi signal for the whole time. She offered all sorts of support and help and came to take the kids and I out for lunch today, bringing her dog so Scarlett could get a dog cuddling fix 🙂 She brought Ady a book and me a bottle of fizz too. She took us back to pizza express as the kids new favourite place and we had a really good couple of hours. I really needed a friend in real life, it was wonderful.
I dropped the kids back at the room and went to spent another 3 hours with Ady. I’m planning to go in early tomorrow to hopefully be there for the doctors rounds and everything crossed maybe he’ll finally have this scan and we can get some answers and start making some plans.