One word? When seven would do…

After lots and lots of talking the four of us have decided that this will be our last year on Rum. We don’t want to do another winter in the caravan and for various reasons it is no longer meeting all of our needs.

It is not without a certain amount of uncertainty, definitely for Scarlett, who doesn’t want to leave but can also see the downsides of Rum and doesn’t want to be the one stopping us leaving. Davies at the moment is ready to go, wanting things which just aren’t here and while Ady and I don’t feel done with the place yet we also feel tired and ready for challenges of a different sort and for our energies to maybe be directed elsewhere.

It’s all still very new to us as an idea although we have been talking about moving on for a while we are now starting to talk about it properly as a plan rather than vaguely as an abstract notion. We did get in contact with Croftsitter Jen who is in the throes of her own life changing journey this year and could possibly have seen this as a good place to start. We initially offered a sublet of the croft for a fixed term with flexibility in extending it but would also have considered selling the tenancy and all the improvements / caravan / set up / livestock too. It’s a challenge too far for her too though, as tempted as she was which leaves us with options of selling the tenancy and leaving forever with no ties, attempting to sublet the tenancy or applying for an authorised leave of absence from the Crofting Commission. Given our teenage children with no further education or employment opportunities nearby we would be a cert to be granted that, initially for 2 years and then pretty easily for at least a further 2 if we applied for an extension to take both kids to post 18. That would then mean any of the four of us could come back and carry on – maybe all of us, maybe one of the kids, maybe Ady and I as empty nesters. In 2-5 years Rum will definitely have moved on in one or other direction, for good or bad. There may be available housing to rent or buy in the village to make it an easier life, there may be employment opportunities and a bigger more exciting community.  Whatever, the feeling from all four of us that we have invested sufficient in both Croft 3, the island and it’s community in terms of finances, energy and time means we would feel justified in mothballing Croft 3 and returning at a later date. It won’t necessarily be a very popular move with some of the people here but a) we won’t be here b) it won’t be hampering community progress and development in any real quantifiable manner and c) we need to put ourselves and our childrens’ future first all of which may well be for Rum’s long term good anyway.

So that’s Rum and Croft 3. We reckon we could pack up from now to leaving on the ferry in about 6 weeks very comfortably, quicker if needs be, allowing time for dismantling what we’d want to take, closing down and securing what we’d leave behind and rehoming or otherwise dealing with any livestock. We could apply for the leave of absence after we had already left if needs be so that doesn’t need to be dealt with in any hurry. We would inform the IRCT making it clear we fully intend to return once the children are settled.

So where will we go and what will we do next? That is the big question and the one which will take time to work out. We are not in a tearing hurry and infact I particularly want to enjoy the last year of the best bits of Rum aware it’s the last time. I want another spring, another summer and another autumn if possible. Another growing season, another year of Shearwater boat trips, another summer of visitors and daylight at midnight, another year of sales in the shop…which takes us to working back from that and deciding that if November would be the right sort of time to leave then we need to have an idea of where we’re going by August. So six months of research and discussion ahead.

At the moment we have a slightly random wish list: We want power again of some description so we can have always on internet, a fridge and freezer and a washing machine in the same space that we live in. We want a bath. We want a bit more space in the kids bedrooms and somewhere with less condensation! We still want lots of space outside for the cat and dog, we want to at least keep chickens and ducks, preferably larger livestock too, we want enough space to grow some food. We’d like to not have to work full time as employees although a part time job for one or both of us might be an option but we’d rather use the skills we have to do things we love if possible and are prepared to keep our living costs low to enable that. The kids are aware that they will probably need to think about earning some money for some of the extra stuff they might want to do. If there was a possibility of selling produce and crafts at markets, to tourists, to retailers then that would be great. No midges would be good. A better quality of soil to grow crops in would be great. We are not fussed about warmer but maybe less wet and windy would be nice. We’d like to be not too far from a coast and still have wildlife and wild landscapes nearby. All of that starts to paint a geographical picture for us to start looking within.

We would sell Osborne Drive if we found the perfect place, particularly if we could also generate income from a property eg smallholding with possibilities for accommodation / camping / rearing livestock / running courses. But we are cautious of doing so until we are certain we are in the right location so are considering renting or looking for jobs with tied accommodation. The kids don’t want to leave the UK.

If we could pick up what we have here on Rum and transport it to somewhere that had more people and a better dwelling we would want exactly that. We are about 90% to having everything we want but the 10% just now is looming too large and we may end up with a lower percentage of everything we want to meet the greater priority of current needs.

So that’s our news. Not groundbreaking really, I think we’ve all know this was a finite adventure and would likely run it’s course as Davies and Scarlett got older. It’s been, and continues to be, a fabulous adventure in a beautiful place where we have had a wonderful time and learned so very much. I am so pleased with took this opportunity and think this has been an amazing place for the kids to have the latter part of their childhood in. Ady and I have learnt so many skills and in many ways this five years have been the biggest of our whole lives. I’m hoping the next chapter will prove just as exciting and interesting, I don’t think any of the four of us are ready for anything less!

At this stage it’s a bit secret. We don’t want Rum friends to know and we have nothing definite to say anyway other than we are looking for a way not to be here over yet another winter.

Tuesday – Ady was in the village first thing to meet Ross as they were bringing a load of wood and a gas bottle up to the croft with the SNH ATV so he also went to the pier to meet the ferry. I made soup as I’d promised Scarlett and she was desperate for soup.

After lunch I walked down to the school to get Deb to photocopy and certify Davies’ ID for his bank account application. The kids all had stuff to tell me about having visited the croft the week before on an animal feeding excursion so I chatted to all of them for a while. I like the talking to the children bit of being in the school. I left at school going home time and walked part way with Sean, Ali and Fliss. We met up with Lesley along the way and then Steve The Man and Inge a visiting builder joined us, then Ross and Jed and then Neil and Dougal so it was quite a gathering. Eventually we all headed off in separate directions with Lesley giving me a lift part way home.

It was the RCA vote on whether we want to rent EE space to erect a phone mast in the village, subject to planning permission. It’s been a pretty contentious and divisive issue within the community and I have been thinking hard about what to vote. I decided a few days beforehand that I would vote NO. Ady was thinking he’d vote YES pretty much up til he actually ticked NO on the voting slip and it was Davies’ first time of being eligible to vote. We’d talked about it loads and he was also unsure. He has not yet told me what he voted although he says he will do. We stayed around for the end of the vote (poling was just for one hour) and helped count the ballots – 10 Yes, 8 No, so it goes through.

We had a beer and a chat with folk at the shop afterwards, really interesting chats with Steve the Man and Inge for me. Inge is from Lewis although now lives on the mainland and his family own the petrol station which was the first shop in Stornoway to open on a Sunday after the ferries and airport began running on the sabbath.

Home for Taco Tuesday.

Wednesday – Burns Night. I wrote my poem and as I recall didn’t do much else during the day… we were down in the village just after 5pm. It was a great Burns Supper, lots of fun, drinks, poems etc. I did the prancing round with the haggis as the chef, Young David followed me with the whisky and Jed addressed it. Lots of people did poems including a full on performance from the school. My poem ending up being the very last part as it was long and the kids were getting restless to do their performances. Some folk left, more stayed and we were among the very last to leave getting home around 130am. I managed to turn my ankle again at the very bottom of the croft so it’s swollen and hurting again now. Fool!

Thursday – Ferry in the morning, caught up with a few folk down there. Home for lunch then back down for Crafternoon for me. A fairly quiet one as we were all a little ‘tired’ from the night before. Early nights all round back at home.

Today – I’ve been very efficient indoors resting my ankle from the croft hill and taking wellies on and off and am planning to do the same tomorrow. I did fill up all the various containers of things we buy in 5ltr bulk containers – shampoo, conditioner, handwash, washing up liquid, cooking oil. We all measured our heights and I emailed Davies’ to the doctors surgery which will mean he is officially signed off by the paediatrician now. I turned the mattress, sorted out the memory foam mattress topped which was all rucked up, changed the sheets and pillowcases and we hung both the duvets out on the line to get a good airing, same with the sofa throws. I made five bottles of liqueurs from the bottle of cheap vodka I got from the supermarket last week, made bread dough, pizza dough and cheese scones, sorted out an issue with the landlord insurance direct debit for Osborne Drive, paid for the gas bottle Ady collected yesterday and listened to some Desert Island Discs. Oh and cleaned and de-moulded the shelf above our bed and the shelf next to my side of the bed, put away some stuff that was on the bedroom floor and cleared off the shelf next to where I sit in the lounge. I also found another website with ukelele practise lessons and had a play with that. Going to really try to do some every day as have now read about various people who struggled to start with on strings but suddenly got it and it is *only* January!

Saturday – a minor hitch in the leaving smoothly operation when Fliss’ conservatory was locked which rather scuppered the planned arrangement to leave Bonnie in there. Fliss was arriving home on the same ferry we were heading off on so we thought that would be the smoothest transition all round. That set back meant we were distracted from the other task on route to the pier which was to collect our freshly washed and dried towels to take with us which were at the castle.

Safely on the boat we had a smooth crossing albeit a lengthy one with the ferry going first to Muck, then to Eigg before finally to Mallaig. Plenty of folk to chat to though- from Rum there was Jinty and Bad Neil, from Eigg on the way there there was Camille and Celia and on the way back there was Sue (who was our WWOOF host on Eigg) so it went quicker than it could have done for five hours aboard.

I had planned to drive the first part of the journey from Mallaig to Fort William as it is a really twisty turny road and I hate travelling it in the back and Scarlett says she prefers my driving to Ady’s. I thought it would be a good test of how my ankle stood up to driving too and had kept my wellies on as they are really supportive. We hit snow about half way to FW but the roads were clear and I was doing OK with the driving so carried on as I am more familiar with the road that way having done it twice (now three times) more than Ady and I am pretty confident of the route. It was not a nice drive, the passenger side headlight on the car was really feeble (and infact would have been a MOT failure) and it was literally just the actual two lanes each side of the roads that were clear with snow piled up both sides and in the middle. But the other three mostly dozed and Ady had been really stressed and not sleeping very well the few days leading up to going so I thought if he was tired he’d be better sleeping than driving and I was fine.

Petrol was getting very low by the time we were nearing our Premier Inn and a friend had told us there was a Tesco just off the motorway on the junction before so we came off to get petrol and a couple of other bits arriving at the PI finally around 10pm. Not too bad but a long day of travelling with 5 hours driving and 5 hours ferry. Glad we did it in one go though as it meant on Sunday we had no stress at all. Phoned my parents to say we’d arrived safe as they’d been worried about the weather and traffic reports, ate our picnic tea, had baths and went to bed.

Sunday – when we were finally up and about we headed into Carlisle which was only a couple of miles away to find the cinema for later that evening, find some good parking, scout out where the KFC was for dinner and also track down the Halfords where the car was booked in for a MOT the following morning. We parked up for a couple of hours and walked into the town. None of us were really that arsed about the shops really so we found a barbershop open and Davies got a much needed haircut then we went back to the room to watch crap TV.

In the evening we had a meal at KFC which is our family favourite fast food by far then went to see Sherlock at the cinema. It was ridiculous really to pay over 40 quid to sit and watch something we could have seen for free at exactly the same time on tv but being a) off island and b) so close to a cinema showing it sort of spoke to me late one night back when I had cash in the bank account (and I think it was a day when the ferry hadn’t come and I was feeling distinctly as though Christmas was being delayed so we might as well stretch it out even longer!) so I’d booked it. Davies was thrilled, Scarlett was delighted to illegally see a 15 certificate when she is barely 14, Ady loved the comfy VIP chairs and I very much enjoyed all of them enjoying it and the actual screening too. So win, win, win, win, win!

Monday – Ady and I were up and out leaving the kids snoozing to take the car for it’s MOT. We had really limited funds by then so had everything crossed. Ady was filled with doom and foreboding, I was filled with my characteristic eternal optimism. Thankfully on this occasion I was right! It needed a headlamp bulb changed (which despite having no mechanic training I could have told them from my drive in the dark all through GlenCoe and around Loch Lomond of a few days previously!) and that was it. We were so excited and grateful that we foolishly bought some overpriced oil from the nice man in Halfords as he told us it was pretty low despite us having oil back at home. Never mind…

We went to Aldi and got very budget food supplies for the next few days to take with us to Centerparcs and then collected the kids from the PI and headed off to CP arriving about midday. I had realised that I had failed to write down the booking number having already booked us in online and was hoping they would be able to find us by searching under our name or postcode or something instead of having to unpack my laptop from the boot and find the email confirmation. When we pulled into the under cover bit though the woman said ‘Goddard party?’ and some black magic car registration recognition was obviously at play. We debated digging out swimming things and going for a swim before we could get in our lodge at 330pm but it seemed really really busy so we decided to just have a walk around instead. We went and got two extra wristbands (everything there now is wristbands which are the key to your lodge and your lockers at the swimming pool and can be used to book stuff and if you pre-load it with a credit card/ debit card you can also use it to buy small stuff like drinks and sweets while you’re there. Very clever and handy and of course excellent for them harvesting loads of customer info about what you do, where you go, how you spend, what time you leave and come back to your lodges and so on. They only give one band per bedroom though so we got two extra ones for a refundable deposit for the kids to have one each too so that we could all come and go as we wanted.

We spent some time messing about in the playpark and roaming about a bit but my ankle was hurting so I was not really up for wandering too far. At about 230 we headed back to the car and sat in the carpark for a bit joining the increasing queue to start driving around once they opened the gates at 330. We got to the lodge, unpacked, had a cup of tea and then grabbed our swimming stuff, took the car back to the car park and went swimming. We all went on all the slides and then Ady and I found the hot tub and sat in there chatting while the kids went on the slides more. At about 7ish we were all starving so we headed back to the lodge for dinner.

A bit of TV, baths all round and a fairly early night.

Tuesday – we had arranged to meet up with Lynda and Stuart while we were down so far way back when we first booked CP last year and they regularly go to a timeshare holiday park place 50 miles further south. They had arrived on the Sunday afternoon but we’d only had a brief window before Sherlock and had car MOT uncertainty meaning Monday was not a safe bet so initially the plan had been for them to come to us for lunch on the Tuesday. However when I looked into it CP charge £25 per person to come in for a day to visit people staying there. Obviously this entitles you to use the swimming pool and so on but all L&S would have done was come to our lodge for lunch so it was not worth it. Instead we drove down to them and they took us out for lunch instead. It was 100 miles we could probably have lived without driving and two more hours in the car but worth it to see them for a few hours. It’s been 2 years since last we saw them.

When we arrived back at CP we had our swimming stuff with us intending to head straight to the pool but I rang my parents to check on their progress (they were arriving late due to a babysitting for Frazer arrangement which ended up falling through anyway…) and they had just arrived so we headed for their lodge instead. Dad and the kids took their car back while we had a coffee and catch up with Mum then we all walked into the village centre together, we went off swimming and arranged to meet them in the car later for a drink. More hot tub / slides for us then a couple of beers with Mum & Dad in the bar where Dad was delighted to be surrounded by small children and the kids disco blaring out! 😆

We all went back to our lodge for pizza dinner. Mum had far too much to drink and was taken home rather wobbly…

Wednesday – Dad arrived at our lodge before I was even up! Mum was the worse for wear obviously. We had arranged to go back out to the supermarket for food / drink supplies so I went off with Mum & Dad to do that. We came back for lunch and then Ady, Scarlett and I went swimming while Davies stayed behind with Mum & Dad at our lodge, with Dad ending up staying there watching snooker (and annoyingly turning the radiator on in our bedroom and closing the window I had left open as I struggle to sleep in hot rooms). We met them in the bar again for a pre dinner drink and had a meal in the American diner style restaurant before heading back to ours for after dinner drinks. An earlier night as Mum was feeling the after effects. The kids and I stayed up pretty late though.

Thursday – Both Mum and Dad were in our lodge before the kids and I got up… We saw around a lot in the morning before heading out to the Pancake house as Scarlett had been desperate to try it. Ady, Mum & Dad all had savoury pancakes, Scarlett and Davies had sweet pancake stacks and I had waffles. It was all delicious. Really enjoyed it.

Back to the lodge to walk it off a bit and have a couple of last day afternoon beers – plus Mum had brought up a bottle of champagne she had been given as a present. We left them there to go for our final swim and met them in a different restaurant for the last dinner. They came back to ours for a last drink and we said goodbye that night rather than arrange to meet up again the next morning as they intended to be away fairly early having a longer trip home than us for once (well sort of, obviously they got home the same day whereas we had an overnight stop!) Last baths all round.

Friday – Ady went to fetch the car and the rest of us packed up. I managed to leave our nice travel cups, both containing perfect cups of hot tea brewed specially for the journey sitting on the counter in our kitchen – grrrr. We loaded the car up, stopped briefly at the same Tesco as the way down to fill up with petrol and were in Fort William by 3pm. A nice straight run north, very different in daylight and with no snow. We had a quick whizz round the FW shops, the kids went back to the room while Ady and I went to Poundstretcher as we needed new pillows for the kids and I wanted to get some onion sets and seed potatoes. Back for some lazing in the room and then McDonalds for dinner, followed by a Morrisons food shop to bring home and a last night of baths and TV.

Saturday – I drove us back to Mallaig and we arrived just sufficient time to do a last minute CoOp shop dash which meant no more room in the back of the car for any passengers. A smooth trip home with I think just 8 people on the boat and straight to Rum this time so only 100 mins trip. I drove off the boat while the others walked, reunited with Bonnie and the Jeep. I had a quick catch up gossip with Bad Neil and Jed at the pier and then Ady and Davies took stuff to the freezer while Scarlett and I dropped some fish off at Lesley’s and collected the weeks post from the village before meeting back at the fork to park the cars. We transferred everything into the Rangerover which we got across the river and just onto the Croft so five trips worth of emptying it was much easier by having it so much closer.

All was well at home. One small chick (who none of us could believe had lived as long as it did, born so late in the season and staying so tiny) died the same afternoon we came home both otherwise everything was fine. We put the window back in where the plywood catflap had been, unloaded and put away everything and settled back in to being home. I slept so, so well that night!

Sunday – I had arranged to help Lesley make the haggis in the afternoon so headed down to do that and have a catch up chat with her and David. I dropped some bits off at the freezer that we had missed taking there the day before. In the evening I booked flights for Scarlett and I to visit a friend in Northern Ireland at the end of April / beginning of May for a weekend. So looking forward to that 🙂

Today – I had planned to do outside stuff this afternoon but it was so cold outside that I failed to get back out there again after lunch – I was productive indoors instead though! In the morning Ady and I went down to the village, I had some stuff to post, we collected some bits from the freezer and processed some laundry. Ady dealt with a scarily huge animal feed bill that had arrived and sure enough it was a mistake – 20 bags of bird feed instead of 2! I finally sorted out the car tax which has been looming in a complicated fashion for ages, organised to go and photocopy and get certified by Debs the school teacher some ID so Davies’ bank account application can finally be sorted – we’d taken it all off with us to present at a branch only to discover there were no branches where we were. D’oh! Buoyed up by this I filed Ady and my tax returns, replied to a potentially hassly text from Julie and emailed a pushy volunteer to make it very clear that no, we really are not looking for anyone long term to come here and suggest things like heating for the caravan making it easier to host volunteers in the winter!!!

Thursday – another day of definite improvement in the Ankle of Doom but still felt I should be sensible and stay mostly off it. So in the morning while Ady headed down to the village to meet the boat and do a few other bits and pieces down there I finished off the Rum newsletter and got that emailed around everyone. The snow was pretty amazing so Scarlett spent some time outside in the afternoon building a snowman and generally getting very cold while Davies and I enjoyed it from inside.

Ady made fish pie for dinner which was very lovely but made the caravan stink of fish and it still does today. Drove the cat mad!

Friday – More improvement on the ankle so I decided to venture out. It was such a beautiful day, blue skies and white snow and sunshine. Just glorious, but very cold. We had some car shenanigans to carry out, all a bit chicken, fox, grain.. We always take the black Chevy to the pier the day before we go off, mostly to ensure it starts and is in the right place fully intact ready to load on the ferry and then go down with sufficient time to walk if needs be in a different car to meet the ferry. So today we took the Chevy (which started straight away), cleaned the seatbelts off which have grown mold – there must be sufficient damp in there for it to grow although it wipes straight off. As I recall when we last had it open to unload shopping it was raining so some water would have gone in and landed on the seats which was probably enough. We’ll leave a condensation / moisture trap in there when we come home to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Ady followed me with the Jeep to the pier, stopping to drop off some laundry at the castle on the way. At the pier we inflated the front tyres which were both a bit low and then parked it up ready for tomorrow.

Then back to the turn off, via collecting a battery Ady had charged to put the battery in the Rangerover, inflated the flat tyre on that and then I followed Ady driving that to the pier in the Jeep as Big Dave is coming over while we’re away and wanted it at the pier for him to use. Then home. Ady had shouted at Bonnie who had tried to jump in the Rangerover and she had skulked away back to the croft so we expected her to be here when we got back but she wasn’t so after calling her for a while we decided she must have headed down after us so Ady went to find her. Sure enough she had gone to the shop where Ali had found her and taken her back to their house while they had lunch planning to bring her back up to us. So Ady returned with Bonnie, Ali and Eve.

Which meant my afternoon was not spent organising myself and the kids but sitting chatting to Ali instead. Never mind.

We’re all packed up now, various people know what they are doing with various creatures, Kira the cat has mastered going in and out of the cat flap by herself, the ferry is running and facebook wisdom from people who know suggests our usual route south via Loch Lomond is still the best path so we will battle through the weather and hope to hit England at not too late an hour tomorrow evening.

Tuesday – In the morning Ady and I went to the ferry as we had a butchers order coming off. Caught up with Ali for a chat, nipped to the shop for some milk (real milk again, it’s been nearly a week! Tea is simply just not the same with longlife, it’s somehow not quite wet enough!) and then to the Green Shed for Ady to write down some animal feeding shift hours on his timesheet and have a quick catch up with Lesley. Back home for lunch and restringing my ukelele as the new strings had arrived. I had a quick strum and tune up but my index finger is still numb and I am disheartened by the two songs I most wanted to learn (La Vie En Rose and It Must Be Love) containing way more chords than I have already mastered. I was promised learning C, F and G would mean I could play millions of songs!

Then I set off down the hill with drill in hand to dismantle some more cloches and hopefully get to spreading some seaweed. Except just as I stepped off the path and onto the mud leading to the polytunnel I slipped. it should have been a soft landing on my bum but I was messing about with my phone and also holding the drill so I suspect I twisted myself somehow to save one or both and ended up rolling my right foot beneath me and hearing a horrid crack. I was fairly convinced I had broken my ankle and laid there for a moment swearing a lot before realising I was getting very wet in the mud and actually even if I yelled noone would hear me so I was going to have to get back up or at least crawl back up the hill. I managed to get up and get to the bench a few steps away and sit down to compose myself a bit. I fully expecting my ankle to give way when I tried to put weight on it but despite hurting ever such a lot it took my weight so I very tentatively wobbled back up the hill, told Ady what had happened, put the drill away and came indoors. Getting my welly off took some effort, I suspect if I’d not been wearing them (and they are my newish very expensive but highly recommended wellies which have very sturdy ankle support) I may well have sustained more of an injury actually. I stripped my sodden and very muddy jeans and pants off, put pjs on and sat down quite tearily.

Scarlett (who is utterly wonderful and you would totally want on your team in pretty much any situation unless it required reading, in which case she would probably find a way round it anyway) made me a cup of tea, soaked a tea towel with very cold water (the closest thing we could sort to an ice pack) and propped my up with stool and blankets and cushions to elevate it. I googled quite a bit and based on the pain think I may have done some damage to a tendon in my lower leg along with the sprained ankle as it hurts right up into my knee particularly when doing things which would stretch my calf muscles.

It completely drained me actually and I felt exhausted and could easily have gone to bed and slept, don’t think an injury has ever affected me that way before.

It was ridiculously windy all evening, easily the most windy it’s been this season, I took the clock down before I went to bed as it had been alarmingly bouncing against the wall. I was in bed very early for me, expecting a bad nights sleep thanks to my ankle and the wind but despite both I was asleep quickly and slept well with just a couple of wakings up.

Today – Continued wild wind for almost all of the day with added hailstorms and even a flurry of snow briefly this afternoon. Not a nice day at all. Ady was out for most of it sorting out the pig fence so we can leave the animals to be fed as easily as possible by the various friends who have offered to take shifts. I rested my ankle for the morning and had a flannel soaked in witch hazel on it as a cold compress and to try and bring out the bruising a bit as it is amazingly not really bruised at all. Then I was standing for a couple of hours making bread dough, pastry, venison pie filling and tortilla wraps for lunch and dinner. That brought on the swelling but I think did it good to be used as it was feeling quite stiff and now it feels looser again and the pain higher up towards my knee has eased. I read some magazines – we subscribe to 3 or 4 different small holder type magazines and they tend to back up unread so I won’t be renewing the subs when they run out. We had been keeping them all but last week I went through them all and ripped out articles worth keeping then took the rest down to the hall. There is a pile of December, January and February which we’re ploughing through reading and so I got through about four of those. Always such good reads when I actually sit down and read them, it’s just that I don’t do that nearly often enough to justify getting them all and it’s more a source of sometimes inspiration than practical knowledge or how to stuff I get from them as we have loads of really good books way better than the articles on growing, animal husbandry and so on. Maybe I need to find a couple of blogs to get the inspiration and ideas injections from instead.

Spent some time this afternoon talking about various subscriptions we have for film / books and music between us and signed up for a free trial of netflix again. Four people all listening to music, reading books, listening to audio books, watching TV and film together and independently does justify them particularly as all of them are shared between at least 2, usually 3, often all 4 of us, just need to check we are not overlapping or would be better served by different ones.

Friday – A lovely birthday 🙂

Scarlett had made me a fab card with Kira cat on it, her pencil drawings are beautiful, she has a real eye for detail and capturing life-likeness. Davies had made me two books documenting our WWOOFing adventures with double pages for each host, highlights (hilarious ones) and pictures. They are fabulous. I also got a bowl from Susan Frankel to match my three drinking receptacles, a bottle of fancy gin and a large box of chocolate liqueurs.

We had a fairly lazy day hanging out and then the weather cleared up enough for a walk so we headed up the newly done (well back in the summer) Corie Dubh path which the kids and I had not been up since it’s restoration. Made me realise quite how out of condition I am. I did it but found it quite challenging and was a not very attractive colour by the top. We came back down, fed the animals, gathered the birthday brownies I’d baked earlier and headed down to the shop.  A great turn out of folk came for fizz and brownies with several more gifts including nail varnish, soaps, a handmade box from Fliss, a pompom sheep from Lesley who always makes me something so badly done it’s good, and a very fancy bottle of gin from Ali & Sean along with a nice notebook. In the spirit of not cluttering and stashing things (see nice pants post on wondering wanderers from last year) I’ve already written in the notebook a list of things to do each month this year. We got home around 10ish for a late dinner of curry which Ady had already got in the oven and phonecalls with my parents (separately!) before bed eventually for me around 1am. A lovely day.

Saturday – resulting in a slightly fuzzy head for Saturday. A nice morning listening to Graham Norton and crocheting, making lots of bread / pizza dough for me. I had invited various people to the caravan for Gin Club although I was slightly regretting it the following morning! Fortunately I think they were mostly regretting accepting and Fliss cancelled first, followed by Ali once I said Fliss had and then Lesley and Deb agreeing to the rescheduling. Deb had come up for a cup of tea and to bring me a suitably named birthday beer in the afternoon though. I turned the excess pizza dough into garlic bread for the freezer and we enjoyed the Let It Shine on TV.

Today – Another grey and drizzly wet day making outside pursuits a bit tricky so I have instead worked on my ukelele improvement and actually made some progress. I’ve ordered some better strings which People Who Know About Such Things assure me will help too both with keeping it in tune (although to be fair that doesn’t seem to be too much of an issue with it) and making it a bit easier on my poor sore fingers. I have though mastered changing between chords and even managed to strum a sort of ok version of Happy Birthday To You which pleased me. Still lots to learn but I sort of get it. I spent an hour or so this morning working through a book and another hour this afternoon using a website to help me and a combination of the two helped a lot. I’m not sure if it will be a daily thing, my fingers might well still be protesting too much tomorrow, the tip of my left index finger is still numb, but I certainly intend keeping it up. I also spent some time writing up some lists of things to achieve in the next couple of months in a new notebook.

The weather is looking concerning for the coming week given we need Saturdays ferry to run but I’m not thinking about that too much at the moment… will get fretting about that nearer the time if needs be. In the meantime I’d like to get outside and spread that seaweed,  do some more ukelele and maybe get out for another raising the heart rate walk this week.

Yesterday we took Faye over to Harris for animal feeding. Taking another pair of non resident eyes across the island always makes you see the beauty anew. It was a glorious day too, low sun making everything twinkly and well lit, animals looking gorgeous and Scottish with the red deer, the highland cows, the Rum ponies all putting in appearances, plus the feral goats who if you can’t smell them are very cute, particularly with their kids still small and playful.

Scarlett made cupcakes and I made quiches and pasta bake. I had planned to get outside and do some work towards the growing stuff but it got late. I did managed to dash down to the polytunnel, grab some sowing pots and a handful of compost and re-pot the aloe vera plant which has had three babies in our bathroom (collected at The Babs from Jan) and sow some basil seeds indoors. I decided to experiment, much to Davies and Scarlett’s amusement with the swearing at the seeds as you sow them so did one tray all happy happy then stashed it away out of earshot and did another swearing like a sailor! we’ll see what happens!

Watched Independence Day with dinner – can’t believe it’s 20 years old (21 infact, made in 2016!)

Today we whizzed round to Sean and Ali’s for a last check that they wouldn’t come home to anything unpleasant and then along to the ferry. We had animal feed coming off. Sean, Ali & Eve drove off and Lesley, Ross and Baby Dougal walked off so Rum is almost back to full numbers once more. So glad to see them all back, big hugs all round as they have all been off since mid December. Will see them all tomorrow for birthday beers and brownies.

Back home we arrived at the caravan at the same time as Dave and Faye so they came in for tea and Christmas cake before they headed off to the ferry to leave. I had a play with my new stamping blanks which arrived on the boat and then decided I would go outside after all. I was only out for an hour or so but managed to dismantle some of the blown to pieces cloches I made back in the summer which proved not to be as Rum proof as they needed to be and re-site the hoops using bamboo canes ready to cover with plastic which should arrive next week over the strawberry beds. I need to find a way to fix the mini greenhouse covers which have been ripped by the winds and spread the seaweed we have already collected as well as getting some more from the beach but I feel really good for having made a start. Jay rang and we started to arrange Maisie coming up for a few weeks in April.

We watched a Doctor Who Christmas special we had somehow missed in the rewatching of the Matt Smith episodes which was a good one.

Right, back to me.

2016 was one of those consolidating years. Good for resting, taking stock, pausing, doing a bit of growing.

2017 is about being amazing again. About being Nic, about going back to being inspirational, awesome, amazing, someone to feel proud of. I think I haven’t taken enough baths – not because I smell but because that is where I used to do my thinking and get all excited about what I was going to do when I stepped out of the bath. Maybe Nic without a bath is like Samson without his hair. Maybe I need to get over myself and start bathing in the river or something!

Captain Fantastic… made me sob at the end because of the beauty. Of those children who came from the woman they were celebrating the flawed, brief, taken at her own hands life of, singing, playing instruments, rescuing their father. I didn’t like the ending, I didn’t like the message that he had compromised his ideals but I did love that she lived on and for me the film was more about Lesley, the dead mother than it was about any of the living characters. This is the year I return to inspiring the people around me to be the best versions of themselves they can be, by leading by example.

I sent an email out to Rum folk on Tuesday to say I’d be celebrating tomorrow at the shop with brownies. No one replied to the email but today at the pier Neil mentioned it, then Fliss, Ali and Lesley all appeared saying they’d see me tomorrow. Jay (the sister in law formerly known as Julie) rang today to tell me Happy Birthday for tomorrow and she loves me, I exchanged our traditional day before my birthday text message with Frazer referring to the jump jump jump it’s my birthday tomorrow phrase I coined over 30 years ago. I think my biggest wobble this last year has been both in wondering whether I count and whether I matter too much.

43 is going to rock.

It’s been a funny old year. This time last year my whole world had been utterly dragged from beneath my feet. In years to come I will remember certain moments from that 10 days between realising Ady was really not OK and I was going to have to do something about it and getting him out of the hospital forever. It was life changing, lessons were learned, realities shifted, I became aware of how life really can change in a split second, pondered on a whole load of ‘what ifs’ and had some of my previous absolute certainties wiped away like a dry cloth erasing a green word on our bathroom white board. My stance of ‘it’ll all be fine’ came into clear doubt and while previously I am sure everyone else has always doubted me I have never doubted myself before and I don’t think Davies and Scarlett had doubted me either. Or Ady for that matter. This time I didn’t have all the answers or all the reassurance and for the first time I was aware not just of how much our current lifestyle revolves around Ady being fit and able but also how much relies on my own mortality too. I felt this crushing weight of responsibility on my shoulders that I had never felt before. A responsibility to manage even if I no longer had Ady by my side to help carry the load but also a responsibility to carry on being alive and okay myself because no one else can fucking finish what I have started.

I have always said that our style of Home Ed, our style of parenting is a real long haul one. That if you don’t teach your kids stuff like reading and writing and maths then you have to be around to make sure they get their in their own time while supporting them. That this whole trust the process philosophy we have bought into requires the process to be allowed to get completed. I know what’s missing, where the gaps are, why some bits are not finished yet and how we will tie up those loose ends in the future. But a change in that whole approach could completely mess the whole thing up. Instead of teaching Davies and Scarlett what to think I’ve been allowing them to learn how to think.

Last January was a drama not of my making. I am used to coming up with mad ideas, bucking the norm, choosing the different path and explaining and justifying why and how as I go along. This time we were remarkable but not through any action of my own and even worse than that we quickly became quite unremarkable, very not special and that was even tougher to take. It came weeks after losing my grandmother and not having had any chance to actually process that having not seen her, not attended the funeral, not sat with people who had known her and talked about her, only listening to my Mum on the phone ranting about her instead.

It came also just after I had stepped down as a director. Suddenly I not only had no voice in the future of Rum I didn’t even know what was being discussed. It was the right decision and a huge relief but also I probably needed to grieve on it a little. It was the loss of something I had invested so much of myself in and attached a real sense of myself to. In my own head and heart I was defining me with that as a huge part and suddenly it was not who I was anymore. I needed to find the new version of me without that aspect.

Davies and Scarlett both very suddenly are taller than me. Davies has a whole set of online friends who I know nothing of. He’s met one in real life, talks to them on social media at every opportunity and has developed interests totally outside of what I have introduced him to. Scarlett is still adamant she will not read – the reality is that she is probably a lot more able than she admit to me or herself but it niggles a little despite me knowing it will be fine. It is clear from the last year that Rum no longer offers the opportunities it once did for them both. It does not meet their needs, spark their passions or excite them as it once did. It’s so hard to know whether this is normal teenage apathy or a marker of something more.

I can still pull it out of the bag just like I used to – an hours conversation with one of them about what is making them excited or interested right now can lead to a whole host of ideas, research, possible opportunities which I can make happen and indeed have done recently. It has pushed us to commit to one more year here to see if we can squeeze the very last of what Rum might have to offer us that we can’t get anywhere else before we finally call  time on this adventure and head off to the next one. For Davies this is a community radio idea which may well lead to something very exciting. For Scarlett it is making the most of the volunteering opportunities here on Rum and the contacts with the deer research project and SNH research. I have already discussed it with Lesley and Ali and we can organise various things for her to get involved in this year.

But I haven’t actually made any of that happen just yet, it’s still there as a germ of an idea or in the very early stages and so I feel it, bubbling away in my head, taunting me when all is quiet and worrying at me on how reliant still on me their Home Ed adventures still are. And what if they one day hate me for not making them learn stuff, or do work books, or take exams? What if I should have insisted on a language or a musical instrument? They don’t even remember all those hours and all that effort in their early years – did it even make a difference? Could they have been better off just sent to school? I really, really don’t think so but this is the dark bit of the caterpillar in the chrysallis I think when I am fairly sure I know a butterfly will emerge but am secretly worried about just how much junk food it ate before it went in there and whether that will effect what comes out.

So bring on Captain Fantastic! I won’t spoil it incase anyone reading (not sure anyone does read anymore, does anyone even blog?! Michelle I know you do!) has not seen it and wants to but it’s a film about a man who is homeschooling his family in the wilderness and how circumstances mean they are forced into mainstream society for a while where the big old gaps in their ‘education’ and ‘life skills’ are thrown into sharp relief and their weirdness is highlighted. Bad timing / good timing? I don’t know but it certainly came a soul searching time for me anyway so was a very near the knuckle viewing experience.

I could easily end this post on a high – I know what I could do to make myself feel better, I know how to draw this post to a close with positives and believe me I am feeling positive – in the main – but also a little delicate and perhaps not quite as sure of myself as I usually am.

Saturday – I had not realised quite how affected I was by the anniversary of Ady’s adventure until I mentioned it somewhere else. I’d almost been holding my breath for the last few weeks partly telling myself clearly nothing bad would happen but partly almost expecting it to.  I’d been responsible for the initial idea of a New Years Eve disco at the hall which had evolved and gotten organised and then as Davies particularly didn’t want to even go I was feeling torn about that. We eventually decided the day before that we would all four go down having put the dinner on a low heat before we went. Stay for a while and leave to be home for 1030 to see in the new year back up here just the four of us. I promised I would only have a sensible amount to drink and we all knew what was happening.

It worked really well. I don’t think Davies enjoyed himself as such but he is at that teenage stage of not really enjoying anything anyway I think. A real mix of still having lots of cuddles and sharing many in jokes, views and chats with me but clearly processing his own stuff and being quite private too. No different to how he has always been really. So we went down, had a good couple of hours, did a whisky club, I had a dance about, chatted to some folk and then quietly slipped away at 10ish. It was an amazing starry night so the walk home was lovely. We had our curry and watched Robbie Williams and the London fireworks at midnight, then went outside onto the croft to light the firework we had from last year. We’d bought it planning a new year just the four of us with a firework at midnight and of course that had not happened, so it had sat, stashed in the horse box all this time with us occasionally talking about getting it out but never finding the right time. So this was it.

It was actually a really good firework, made all the better for the amazing starry night, it being ridiculously cold outside, all of the animals going mental when we let it off, it echoing off the hills and it finally not being 2016 any more.

New Years Day – I woke earlyish and despite no hangover was pretty tired so I stayed in bed sort of dozing in a half awake / half asleep fashion which was lovely, like being in one of those pick your own story books as a dream. I got up and Ady and I headed over to Harris to feed the animals leaving the kids in bed to sleep later to catch up. It was a gorgeous day, all sunny and still and beautiful colours everywhere.

I rang my parents – it’s their wedding anniversary on new years day too – 45 years. I spoke to Frazer who was also round there. All seemed much as usual for the time of year… 😉

Venison steaks for dinner which was delicious.

Monday – We’re back to the weekly what’s on whiteboard, have a brand new masterplan for 2017 and having felt I have rather lost my mojo and therefore not been much use at coaxing and supporting other people’s I was feeling very motivated to get cracking with things. One of my hopes / plans for 2017 is a good growing season so I need to sort out the outside area – the polytunnel has not been been inside for weeks, I took one of the plastic covers off the four mini greenhouses way back in the autumn and got called away by something before I did the other three and never got back to it. All three are now ripped 🙁 The cloche frames I built to go over the strawberries all got blown around and bashed up in the gales and the whole area just needs some organising / attention / tidying up ready for the start of the season. I was about to head outside to get cracking when I remembered we needed bread made for lunch so I did that, got distracted by the worktop needing a good clean down (we have various stuff which lives out on the worktop all the time and it had crumbs all around), then started to wipe down the wall as that looked grubby once the worktop was clean, which led to the whole section of wall / faux cooker hood / general area getting wiped down and tidied up. It looks loads better and was a job worth doing but it meant I never got to the outside stuff…

Ady came in for lunch, it started to rain, Dave & Faye (who had arrived on the boat) came over for a cup of tea and that was the day pretty much gone. Instead I did make a start on sorting out my seeds. I have loads. many of them out of date and last year quite a lot of what I sowed failed to germinate. So this year I will sow early and sow everything so that I can start with new seeds for next year, or save seeds from what does grow and if anything I really, really want to grow doesn’t germinate on the first sowing I will still have time to get a late sowing in. That’s the plan anyway!

I made dinner – stir fry and we watched Jurassic Park 3 which was actually quite good.

Today – After Popmaster Ady and I went to the village to post some stuff from post office, get stuff from the freezer, feed Ali’s chickens and collect the laundry. On the way back we saw Dave and Faye who had been doing some work on the Rangerover which has been a non runner for ages. It’s now running again which is great, we’ve missed it. We also collected 10 sacks of seaweed off the beach ready to spread on the raised beds to start a mulch layer on them. Gave one sack to the sheep and the pigs to see if they like it – supplementary feed, lots of nutrients and a good salt / mineral boost for them all. The birds liked picking through to root out the little shrimps, the sheep and pigs ate it while pulling some funny faces. Don’t think it will be anything more than an occasional supplement but better than buying in salt licks etc. One of my other aims this year is to revisit my permaculture ideals and get my head back into that space again. This feels like a good start. Back home to rouse children and have lunch. Ady had seen a trailer for a film he thought I’d like – Captain Fantastic so we bought it, downloaded it and I spent ages making sure it would run on the big laptop to watch this evening.

Then I finally got to the seed sorting out, going through my books and reading the backs of the seed packets to create a sowing plan for February, March and April, both in the polytunnel / greenhouses and direct into the ground. Seaweed mulch on the beds now to start adding warmth, suppressing weeds, giving nutrients to the soil etc. is a great start and I have two large water butts filled with cut comfrey from last year ready to make feed too. We’ll get that seaweed spread and collect more later this week. I am determined to really do better with the growing this season.

So all the seeds are now split into 4 bags – marked Feb, March, April and Flowers (which thanks to freebies with magazines and packets people have given us we seem to have about 12 packs of various flower seeds) with a list in each bag of whether to sow under cover or direct and a master copy of the overview in a new notebook to keep a record of actual dates of sowings and results of germinations etc.

Ady made dinner and we watched the film. I have more to say about the film, probably in a separate blogpost but I found it incredibly moving, both the subject matter, the actual story line, the filming and the music and the overall thing. At such a pertinent time it feels like too. As I say, more on that another time.

On which note I am off to bed!