So said Scarlett to Ady today! Actually both of them have been told off a fair bit by Ady today, even I told him to stop shouting at Scarlett after she fell over (he had just spent ages telling them not to run on the concrete or they would fall over and then she ran off and did just so ๐ )
Was quite amusing to hear her say it to him although I am not sure whether it was simply classic 2yo wisdom, a sad state of the wrongness of Ady’s work / home life balance or indicative of the amount of telling off and shouting I seem to do to them. Ady has spent most of his day today fielding calls on his work mobile, he has been leaving the house at 6am every morning and rarely getting home much before 7pm. Allegedly this is ‘the season’ and after a very short 2/3 month period of frantic busyness it all dies down and returns to a normal pace again. Only time will tell whether this is true and indeed whether that is sufficient consolation to put up with the crappy weeks.
He is not really enjoying the job anyway at the moment – aside from the huge amounts of time he is spending in his car sat mainly on the M25 and the usual office politics he is getting let down by relying on other people not performing having a knock on effect on his own success which is always tricky to deal with. I am trying really hard to be supportive of the long hours, smile sympathetically as the phone rings today for the 20th time and listen to his work woes and know when to offer advice, when to shut up and get him a beer and when to do the ‘come on Darling, don’t take this crap, get in there and tell them this, this and this’ pep talk (which had previously always been the way I ‘helped’) but I am feeling increasingly removed and distant from the world of work – I really struggle to imagine having to split my life in half like that and having two different personas. But then again maybe that’s what sits a little uncomfortably about my current life. Ady and I were talking the other night (in one of those intimate chats about nothing in particular where you suddenly end up articulating something you didn’t even know was bothering you until you mentioned it) about how different we are as people now we have the children, and it struck me, actually that he is not that different really, but I am. Totally. Many of my friends, and certainly my closest ones are as a result of either having the children, or the choices I have made since having them (a case in point being my Blog Chums – who I count amoung my very best friends now but are only in my life as a result of a) having the kids and b) choosing to HE). I do think that previous to having the kids I was always searching for that next big challenge and while having the children has not fulfilled me totally it is certainly aiding in the challenge search! I also firmly believe that opportunities always present themselves if you just have the courage to look for them and then recognise them when you see them. I think that at this stage in my life I am supposed to be doing what I am doing with the children as I am growing and learning as much as they are, and that soon, when the time is right the next opportunity for ME will come along and that it will probably be something to do with the life choices we have made up to now (like connected with HE in some way or something similar) – trouble is, I’m getting impatient ๐
Anyway, where I was going with this was that Ady’s balance is wrong and I think having been home in Sussex a year today (where did that go eh?) has shown us we are ready for the next thing and that we are striving for a specific sort of life which we are currently not living and unless the one we are living now is in some way working towards the one we want then we need to change track.
This week I am finally going to take the plunge and try and sort our finances out. This will mean the scary process of working out exactly how much we owe, how much we can genuinely afford to be paying each month and going to the bank to remortgage accordingly. We also want to do some serious stuff to the house which is going to take funds which we might as well try and drum up now in readiness. If that doesn’t sound grim enough once done I will need to make the serious life change of sorting out my personal spending habits once and for all so that the remortgage is a permanent solution as opposed to a patch cover on something which will need sorting out again at a point in the future – toughie!
The other option is to sell up this place and go and find somewhere bigger and cheaper else where in the country – which is quite appealing as a concept but as nothing has happened to push us in that direction and it would involve finding a house, employment and a total new circle of friends – too much change all at once with small children and no real support network, we need to have at least one area of certainty before such a leap of faith…. Like I say, I have faith that the right door is about to open somewhere sometime soon.
So that was all a bit philosophical wasn’t it!
Had a nice day today, my lie in ๐ Then we all went to Tescos which despite being madder than the maddest place in all of mad town (full of people, some old folk pushing trolleys with no sense of direction, screaming children and that odd contingent of people who seem to take it into their minds to go to the busiest place possible, without any need to actually buy anything from it and then *browse*!!!!) was quite nice to do as a family, then over to Dad’s.
We had lunch, then Ady helped Dad do something with a hedge, then we all sat in the garden around the pond. Ate strawberries and cream in the sunshine and came home to get kids to sleep super early so we could watch Dr Who. Kids are both snotty, have not had enough sleep and have been quite horrid all day (which does not really bode well for tomorrow ๐ ) so Ady has been giving them a bit of a hard time, which no doubt he will feel bad about when he disappears back off for another week’s work on Monday – must try and keep harmony tomorrow.
Also doing some low level panicking about HESFes in the one free corner of my mind. Not about being there or feeling shy (I have off site accomodation and I don’t really do shy!), more about choosing to be away from Ady (yes, I know, but we just don’t do being apart very well!), one about being with the children night and day all alone (again, yes I know I won’t be all alone, but I will certainly be doing the bulk of everything) and finally wondering whether any of us will get much out of it. Both the kids will be too young and too little to do any going off by themselves, I will be too busy being with them to attend any of the talks etc and I wonder whether dragging two small people along with me everywhere will prevent me from doing much catching up with friends and meeting new people type stuff. Also whether being off site (although comforting both on the escaping if it’s horrid and the whole not having to do a tent basis too) will mean we are out of the loop too much anyway. I dunno, I was all angsty before Melrose and Ady was coming to that which negated lots of my worries but so many people have made comments about not going until the children are older etc. Someone tell me it’ll be good and fun and ok!
You really are the Linda McCartney of the blog ring m’dear.
Comment by Chris — 30 April 2005 @ 9:58 pm
oh arse! ๐
Comment by Nic — 30 April 2005 @ 10:24 pm
huh?
It might be good fun and ok, or then again it might not! Will be somewhat weather dependant, I imagine. And dependant on how the kids take to it – which was the main reason I liked it as a whole last year – no, actually, I didn’t like it – I liked being with muddlepuddle friends but that was about it, but the kids got so much out of it that I’m going back for more! You are always welcome to come and sit in/near my tent when you’re onsite, you know. And you can’t judge until you’ve been, so you have to go once before you know (a) you never want to go again, (b) you love it and you’ll go every year from now on, or (c) you’ll go again in about five years’ time when the kids are a bit older!
Anyway, dunno what to say about all the philosophising, too deep for me and stuff only you guys can decide for yourselves, eh? Hope it goes well taking hold of finances though. Very grown up. I’m not doing it for a while yet …
Comment by Sarah — 30 April 2005 @ 10:28 pm
You’ve articulated all my HESFES fears ๐
Comment by Heather — 30 April 2005 @ 10:37 pm
oops, sorry Heather! ๐
I’m sure it will be fine, well it won’t be awful or I’ll just go elsewhere for the days but I am wondering whether having booked it on a wave of post Melrose HE-ness I was a bit hasty and should have waited another year – still, three weeks today and I’ll know eh?!
Linda McCartney – known for several things – being in Wings without really doing much, the veggie stuff, dying too early of cancer and finally being married to and massively in love with her husband right til the end and hardly ever (if ever at all, not sure now) spending night’s apart from him.
I’m guessing Chris is refering to the last given I am not blonde, musical, vegetarian or likely to launch a frozen food line any time soon ๐
Comment by Nic — 30 April 2005 @ 10:43 pm
Ah Ha! I was trying to figure it out ๐
I fear Titch will hate it and Pip will love it and so I’ll drag a wailing Titch around with me all week.
Comment by Heather — 30 April 2005 @ 11:12 pm
Nic, and Heather, Hesfes will be great ๐ Heather, you will just have to relinquish any grip on Pip and let her get on with it, and you and Titch can come and play with me and Lulah ๐
Nic, your work/life ramblings sound exactly like ours ๐ Will Ady be up in Reading before Hesfes? Do you fancy coming up, giving the kids some last minute pre-Hesfes extra bonding time, and talking about the mad hippies at Hesfes and our ideal lifestyles? Let me know, apart from Wednesday next week, there’s nothing major going on that can’t accommodate you.
Comment by Alison — 30 April 2005 @ 11:40 pm
Those work/life ramblings will never quite get sorted though will they? I mean, as long as one *has* to work in order to have an income, the balance would never be exactly as you wanted. eg, we’re self employed so in theory in control of our own time, but in practice it never works like that – we dance to the tune of our own business rather than someone else’s, but there’s always going to be a bit of tension there, whatever one’s situation? Or maybe not, I dunno. Maybe I’ve misread what you mean!
Heather, I suspect Titch will love Hesfes as well, actually. There’s not much for a kid to hate about it, imo. Alison, we must manage to align arrival times so that we campers can be as near to you as possible so that we have a nice little area to entertain all these off-siters, and so the younger children can play between us all – I do hope we’re going to be able to be close enough to you (and Annie W, obviously ๐ ) My fear is that Josiah will want to go off and do things more this year and I won’t be able to sit around as much! Oh, and that it will rain – still praying for decent weather …
Comment by Sarah — 01 May 2005 @ 7:37 am
HESFES will be good, or it will be bad, but it will be a process ๐ :-). Honest, I meant it about making free with my day tent. Get Ady to dump a chair and some kids toys in it before he goes home, and come and go as you please. It DOES make a difference to have somewhere to base yourself. And i intend pitching it as near Alison (also with the mutant children ;-)) Sarah, Merry, at al as possible. In fact, we could probably set it up INSIDE Merry’s tent, and not be enroaching on her space. It really will be fine. Heather – I decided the first year we went (Hannah was barely six) that the only way to cope was to let her roam. I walked her round the site a couple of times, explained the absolute boundries. Threatened her with immediate return to Scotland by parcel post if she was found breaking them, gave her a watch, and told her she HAD to check in every hour, and found her some landmarks and some alternative safe places she had to go to for help if she needed too. And then sat and read trash novels and bit my nails (we’d gone by ourselves that first time).
Comment by Joyce — 01 May 2005 @ 8:11 am
What! Me ‘relinquish’ my grip on Pip…..
Yeah, you’re probably right. I’ll make sure she’s got her watch and do something similar to Joyce’s advice. Pip is confident and bright, but not terribly wordly and I have only *touched* on the ‘stranger-danger’ stuff. Partly because I think it’s over-hyped and most poeple are fine but also because I put my hand up to being a bit over-protective with Pip and not wanting her to feel the world is scary and bad when the opposite is true, imo.
I am looking forward to meeting you all though ๐
Comment by Heather — 01 May 2005 @ 11:20 am
wonder if I could get away with that approach with Josiah … need to get him a watch, first, I suppose … !!!
Comment by Sarah — 01 May 2005 @ 3:04 pm
I’m thinking walkie talkies!!
Comment by Heather — 01 May 2005 @ 7:44 pm
I’ve used them with Hannah the last two years – I’m in two minds this year. It’s handy for hollering on her to come back, but we had a bugger’s own job of getting a free channel last year – even though we have MASSES on ours. There were just too many in use in a small area for it to be helpful, and I seemed to spend half my time yelling at other unsuspecting parents to “come back this MINUTE”, while Hannah was blissfully unaware, having ignored 15 demands from someone else’s parents.
Comment by Joyce — 01 May 2005 @ 7:48 pm
Ah. Just in time Joyce, I was getting the ebay-itch!
Comment by Heather — 01 May 2005 @ 7:50 pm
Oh, and I consider myself still massively in love with DH after all those years, but I quite like to get away sometimes. The enthusiastic home-coming has something to recomend it, and if you are never apart, then you never get it ๐
Comment by Joyce — 01 May 2005 @ 7:51 pm
Alison and Joyce – will email you ๐
It actually sounds like there will be enough of us with similar aged children and similar concerns to keep each other company and hopefully allow the kids a little roaming space but close enough to keep an eye on them so am feeling reassured – for now! I was planning on tagging both kids with my mobile phone number, giving Davies a walkie-talkie so he can remain in contact with me and trying to find the right balance of calm as opposed to simply neglectful sometime before the last day ๐
Sarah – yeah I do think there probably is a ‘right’ way for us actually. I don’t ever want to give up work altogether and I suspect that Ady would not really adapt to it all that well either – unless we won millions and millions on the lottery and could do *exactly* what we wanted for the rest of our lives, money no object.
I just think we have reached a point where we are less focused on the size of a salary and job title and more focused on what aspect of our lives we will look back on in years to come and wish we had played a little differently. I suspect that the world will still turn just the same if Reading B&Q don’t get their bedding plants in time for the 50% off weekend and nightnight.co.uk sinks into oblivion, but if we are missing out on big chunks of time we *could* have spent together enjoying being with each other we will be regretful of that. It is getting increasingly harder to care much about the consequences of work and I guess that is when you *know* it is time to do something a little more inspiring. Both my parents have run their own businesses and I have grown up watching that and perusing what effects – positive and negative that can have. I would like to run our own business I think, but it would need to be doing something which I felt fairly passionate about. The time is also not right while the kids are so young – perhaps in 5 years time when they are a little more self sufficient would be a better bet – but with that in mind I do think we could be working towards that as some sort of ‘master plan’ which would include deciding what the business would be exactly, where in the world we want to be living and what aspects of our planned life are the most important to us.
I know that ‘no’ lifestyle would be 100% perfect all the time but we have previously had a balance we were happy with and I would like to be striving towards achieving that again. Currently we both just feel that the weeks, months and years are whizzing by us at break neck speed with no real time to do anything we would like to do and suddenly it will all stop and have gone before we had the chance to do anything about it.
Rambling there really – I think this needs to be a two sided real life converation ๐ Anyway, not a huge life change about to happen any time soon I suspect but perhaps a spell of plotting and planning for one in the future.
Comment by Nic — 01 May 2005 @ 7:58 pm
wow synchronised walkie talkie planning ๐
Joyce – you have a fair point there and one I had overlooked – homecoming could well be worth it ๐
Comment by Nic — 01 May 2005 @ 8:12 pm
Nah, it never is, believe me. I always have too much washing to do to think of other things ๐
Comment by Sarah — 01 May 2005 @ 9:57 pm
I suspect then that you aren’t fullfilling your wifely obligations as described by P1. I just thole it, really…….
Comment by Joyce — 01 May 2005 @ 10:52 pm
thole?
Sarah, you are too concerned with your laundry! Although it’s probably best for us that you do your washing, rather than blogging about your hours of LI ๐
Comment by Alison — 01 May 2005 @ 11:01 pm
thole = to suffer something, put up with it, think of England (or the laundry), while providing LI after DH has put in a day of toil
Comment by Joyce — 02 May 2005 @ 1:57 pm
Can also been used in the negative as in “I can’t thole that stupid cow” or whatever ๐
Comment by Joyce — 02 May 2005 @ 1:59 pm