Thanks for the hugs and stuff yesterday, feeling much better today. I had a full night’s sleep and managed not to dream about anything…
You know, I do ponder about mental health quite a bit, my Mum has always been a bit wobbly and I have tended to think that certain people are ‘prone to it’ or that to be depressed or have a breakdown you are a certain type of person. I am beginning to think that actually that is not necessarily the case but there are certain vital ingredients for keeping sane and when some of them go awol then you are left open to the wobbles. Anyway, not about to get on the prozac just yet, or admit myself into the priory but I am starting to realise that sometimes just counting your blessings isn’t enough. It is not sufficient to be aware that you are lucky in comparison to others and that you have a lot to be thankful for – you need to feel that YOU have all YOU need and if you don’t then work out how to get it.
With that in mind I have made a few decisions about my own life – some half formed and some with no real idea of how I am going to get there but I am feeling much more able to take responsibility for my own happiness again – which in turn will make everyone I share my life with happier too. I have never been one for ups and downs but the last year or so looking back I seem to have lurched from ecstatic to lunatic fairly regularly – not a state I want to be in or one which it is fair for Ady, Davies and Scarlett to live with me in either. Thanks for coming along on the ride though 🙂 Joyce – do you still need to life coach someone over the phone? 🙂
Yesterday a couple of incidents made which I was too self submerged to pay attention to at the time have made me smile – the first was me losing it to the point that I knew I needed to put physical distance between me and the children so going to sit on the front door step in the rain. It only took about five minutes before the door opened behind me, two little people appeared, one on either side of me, one stroked me and asked ‘matter Mummy?’ the other just took my hand and wiped away one of my tears. The second was at bedtime when I told Scarlett that she had to put some cuddly toys back in her bedroom before I would give her a dummy and help her into her pyjamas. She threw a complete fit about it saying they were too heavy (they weren’t, she had brought them in the lounge herself) and that she wanted me to do it. I remained calm (the first time that day!) but just said that if she wanted her dummy then she needed to help tidy up her stuff as Davies had done. Davies got up, went over to her and very calmly and quietly spoke to her so she stopped crying, he asked her if she wanted him to help her and she said yes so he said they would do it together. He picked up the lighter ones and passed them to her, then gathered up the rest himself and they walked to her room together and tidied them up, then he came and took her dummy from me and gave it to her, then they cuddled. Whilst I don’t want him to have to become the grown up when I fail to manage it, it was lovely to witness 🙂
So onto today. As we got up I said to Davies that we were all going to work harder to make sure we had a better day today (which he has reminded me about twice already when I shouted about something 😉 ) and so far, we have 🙂
First thing they watched the Dora dvd that Tarly got for Easter and played with lego and duplo in peace and harmony while I caught up on some emails, then the post arrived bringing an amazon order of some Eric Maddern books; Earth Story
, which had Davies enthralled, The Fire Children which we have not looked at yet and The Curious Clownfish which they both sat transfixed by. They both recognised it as being the same as Nemo so we talked about that a bit. We all tidied the lego and duplo up together before we read the books with no big coersion or shouting from me which made a lovely change 🙂
Then we headed out – I got a fix in Boots on various bits and pieces but as I had enough advantage points on my card to redeem them without actually spending anything 😉 then into Sainsburys where I managed an entire weeks food shopping with them both and no stress 🙂
There is an aquarium shop next to Sainsburys which on the spur of the moment we went into after loading the shopping into the car and spent about 20 minutes oohing and ahhing at all the fish, snails, turtles and clownfish 🙂 (ooh unplanned tied in HE – result).
They are now sat watching The Incredibles while I am here blogging and about to do a bit of work, dinner is in the oven (beef in red wine sauce) and depending on whether they are interested I have two plain white T shirts, some fabric crayons and some pictures of clown fish to copy to follow up our drawing on clothes chats from the other week.
mmm, I’ve done my fair share of pondering on mental health this year too, having seen good friends go through a year of hell from what can only be a mental health issue, after a traumatic event. Haven’t blogged about it for obvious reasons but here is safe 🙂 I’ve basically supported the wife through coping with the husband’s psychotic actions, random mood swings, and all sorts – and now there’s a whole load more crap to deal with as a result, because unknowingly he has caused loads of hurt which, mental health issue or not, now need to be worked through.
My mum’s suicide was depression related too – I dunno, I guess there must be factors of prone-ness, but I tend to be a pull-your-socks-up-and-get-on-with-it sort of a person, because on the occasion when I knew I had PND/some sort of depression after Josiah and a house move with compounded bad neighbour experience, I couldn’t bring myself to go down that road. It took about a month for me to talk myself round, and I had tablets sitting in the cupboard for all that time, having been to the Drs about it all.
I dunno what I’m saying here, and I’m no expert, but, life’s too short, I reckon. **Whatever it takes to not be in that state of wobbliness is worth it.** Your kids only have their childhood once. Wish I could have told my mum that, 20 years ago.
Flip, that went deep, didn’t it? Better go and get our dinner on the go too. Hugs to you, Nic.
Comment by Sarah — 30 March 2005 @ 3:56 pm
Thanks for that Sarah. I normally am a pull-my-socks up kinda gal, so not sure what exactly is preventing me from doing so.
I needed to hear what you put I think – ‘poor me Nic’ is put away again and today the kids have their mummy back 🙂 Thanks xx
Comment by Nic — 30 March 2005 @ 4:25 pm
Hugs Nic.
Having an ’empty’ day here so my thoughts are not a million miles from what you are talking about. I know I haven’t really been a mummy today either, but maybe I needed not to be today. F seems happy enough, but then it’s just been one day. I mean I was functioning and facilitating but so far from inspiring or stimulating. And my grumpometer was set high.
Anyway, glad you had a better day today. I feel I saved the day here by engaging in a bit of Web Land – minimal I know but I put what energy I could right into it.
Comment by Ali — 30 March 2005 @ 4:55 pm
Glad you had a better day Nic 🙂 So have I 🙂 🙂 🙂
Comment by Jules — 30 March 2005 @ 5:46 pm
Sarah, i had absolutely no idea that is how your mum died :~/ I really don’t know how i didn’t know it.
Depression is, well, depressing. I hate it, i hate it when i feel myself sliding that way but i have got better at grabbing my bootstraps. Its hard not to wallow if that is what your chemicals are doing to you though.
Hugs Nic, hugs everyone….
Comment by Merry — 30 March 2005 @ 6:43 pm
Thinking about you. Your kids are lovely as well, and that’s down to you to a large extent. And yes, absolutely keen to practise if you are up for it – but remember it will be exactly that. I can’t guarantee a completely smooth operation 🙂
Comment by Joyce — 30 March 2005 @ 9:20 pm
Nic ((((((More of the same))))))) I think a lot of people think that mental health issues happen to people who are prone to it or family history or whatever but it really isn’t always that way. I am known to be so self sufficient and hate asking for help that no-one would think that I could never cope. That is why lots of people rely on me and think ‘ooohh Karen will/can do it’ etc. However, when I was in the second year of Uni I was so depressed that I went on the dreaded Prozac for a year. Now it didn’t really have that much effect on me but it must have done because it made me more on a level – how you should be when you are just plodding along – not too high, not too low. My Doctor told me that the chemicals in my brain were unbalanced because I had, had too many low times in my life and not enough ups. When you have these times chemicals are made that balance out the body. I just had too many down times and the chemicals didn’t make it past zero LOL It was the weirdest feeling – I just lay on the floor and cried all day -just wanted to go to sleep but didn’t want to die but didn’t want to wake up either. You know Nic at the moment we all (the blogring especially) take our children’s health, happiness, education seriously and we care so strongly for them that we are stepping out of our norm’s to go that bit further – it is bound to take it out of us somewhere. I’m not saying you need Prozac though Nic LOL The blogring is one of the best things that could be in my life right now or I would be ordering double amounts of Prozac – hang in there Nic – hugs stretching down to the South Coast – wish you were near!!
Comment by Karen b — 30 March 2005 @ 10:05 pm