well one hint, which might have been insincere, from Alison 🙂
Ady has been off doing bloke stuff in the fields all day. This mostly involved a chainsaw on a stick (it has a proper technical term like lopper or long reach but to me it was a chainsaw on a stick), cutting down stuff, dragging it about caveman stylee and setting fire to it.
The kids and I fed all the animals and looked at the area the pigs are on, discussed optimum sizes of raised beds by leaning towards each other and touching hands to measure reach, checked the shed and greenhouse for compost and pots and then retired indoors for planning work.
First thing this morning I had a long chat with Davies and Scarlett, talked about stuff I want to do with them, concerns I have for how Home Ed will work moving forward and got some feedback off them. I chatted to them about various things I’d like to do with them / thought they might enjoy and some tasks Jill had put forward for them.
For Davies this resulted in a spot of calligraphy, me showing him a few different ways of handwriting, discussing nib types, fountain pens, what italic meant and some font examples. We looked at a couple of allotment planning websites, chatted about crop rotation and why you should do that, looked at categories of crops in terms of roots, brassicas, others, herbs, fruits and flowers and made a list of potential crops and which category they fell in to. Davies then drew out several rough plans, used an app on Ady’s phone to check north, east, south and west and work out which beds would get the most sun, drew a key to the crop rotation, drew a birds eye view and an artists impression of the veg patch and then spent time helping me deal with Scarlett being upset.
And that is why I autonomously Home Educate my children. Because Davies was born first and has shaped all of my philosophies 🙂 Love that boy.
Scarlett stropped, wailed and ended up on my lap in tears. This is the finale (I hope) of various issues she has been struggling with and today declared may be because she doesn’t want to grow up. To be fair she has always gotten upset at the mention of growing up, getting older and having independance. I suspect that is at the root of her issues with being in rooms on her own and refusal to do stuff like learn to read. I think this year has been an eye opener for her about just what being an adult entails. Where Davies takes these things on board and strives to take on more responsibility and ease some of the burden of being the Grown Up when he recognises me finding stuff tricky, Scarlett is more inclined to identify herself with me and fret about how she might manage it when it’s her turn. I know she was disturbed by all the stuff with Mum & I, I know she spends a lot of time battling with being in awe of me but kicking against me and I know she is party to discussions about what might happen in the future which may leave her fretting about stuff. I have always shared with the kids the bits of parenting / being an adult / life generally that I find hard, hoping to help them take responsibility where possible, learn as much as they can and demystify stuff that I think too often is hidden or kept away from children. I appreciate this doesn’t always give them the easiest ride but hopefully prepares them for life.
We talked about how I love being an adult and compare my life and the freedom and choices I have as a grown up are so vast and different to my life as child. How I lived with my parents arguing and being miserable, went to school with people I didn’t like and who didn’t like me much either and had to do things I didn’t want to do or enjoy or see the point of. We talked about the freedom and opportunities that are out there for you to grab and the adventures to be had once you are old enough. We talked about people who inspire us (for the purposes of today’s talk we had David Attenborough who we decided never stops learning about the world around him, finding joy and inspiration and experiencing everything possible in the natural world. We talked about Steve Backshall who is out there grabbing experiences, learning about animals and living his dreams, we talked a bit more about me – both because Scarlett said I am someone she admires and wants to be like and because I quite like talking about me 😉 Oh and we talked about Roald Dahl writing amazing stories) and finally about how the really brave people are not the ones who never get scared but the ones who are scared but do things anyway! Oh it was inspirational 😉
I’m still undecided on the best course of action moving forward – I have offered workbooks, more reading alongside Scarlett and other options. My gut feeling is to stay backed right off and wait for her to get there. I think trying anything other than what we have previously done is far too dangerous given our changable lifestyle at the moment, time enough for regimes next year ;).
All that done we headed off seed shopping. We left with a job list of things to do – builders merchants to swap over a bag of lime, B&Q to check on seeds, Proper Job (local hardware emporium selling *everything*) to check on seeds, healthfood store to buy some shampoo and conditioner for me as I am now fairly sure it must be that which sets of my Nic face as I don’t really use anything else likely although why that might suddenly flare up and not at other times I still don’t know.
While we were out Jill rang three times – once to ask me to collect a shower tray from Travis Perkins which had arrived in, once to ask me to buy a roll of roofing felt from the builders merchants and once to ask me to collect two sandwich platters from Subway of subs for everyone’s lunch back at Middlewick. We did everything on our ever increasing job list and it was fab to be driving around (I’m still loving it after the 9 month break) and to be with the kids talking about anything and everything.
Back at Middlewick everyone stopped for lunch when we arrived back. Davies and Scarlett went off to tend the fire and feed the animals leaving me in peace for a couple of hours to do some more online stuff – mostly changing listings on tourism sites to update the cottage details as 3 more cottages are now open for hire and some of the stuff offered has changed. I also answered various questions asked on the ebay listings which still have no bids but do have lots of watchers.
I went to put the animals away and Ady and Johnny said they were going to the pub. As it was almost straight after work we assumed it would be a pint or two so Ady stuck our curry in the oven to cook while he was gone. I fed the kids and nipped across to the next door cottage with the intention of having a bath. Unfortunately the water had been switched off so I got a tepid bath which would have taken ages to warm up enough water to run hot so defeated I went back to our cottage with my glass of wine, bowl of nuts and the kindle and had a shower instead. I did some laundry, washed up and then read the kids a couple of chapters of Danny Champion of the World which for some reason we’ve not read before and a couple of versions of the choose what happens next story in Davies’ Little Howard book. We also did some of our ‘what we want from 2012’ list which is always a nice exercise.
Just as I was beginning to think I would eat on my own Ady and Johnny crashed back in having been on a mini pub crawl, cold from walking back from town and ready for food to soak up the beer. Johnny stayed for curry which was lovely but very hot and we all chatted and drank more. I think it may be a slower start tomorrow! ;0
I’d been trying and failing to crochet and suspect I might just need a book rather than the internet to really get my head round it. I have done it before and know it is easy but my fingers don’t believe me!
Anyway, a good day. I feel better for having recognised needs in the kids and repsonding to them, for opening the conversations with Scarlett on what may well prove to be an ongoing issue but is at least being talked about, for getting out and about a bit even if it was just to builders merchants. We have learnt J&J’s best friends sister lives up in Mallaig and her husband is a builder while she is a teacher and they HE their autistic boys. I’m not sure of any further details but hopefully we can make contact and maybe meet them or even stay with them when we head up for the interview.
It was a perfectly sincere nudge 🙂
Glad you felt happier about everything with the kids 🙂 I was thinking, but not writing, on FF yesterday the same stuff you have written above – that S has spent so much time with you and is very aware of all the work you put into, well, your lives basically. Which could feel quite daunting. For some (many?) kids I guess that sort of thinking and planning and even doing is very much behind the scenes.
Comment by Alison — 18 January 2012 @ 7:46 am
Yeah, certainly when I was 9, or even 11 (and infact quite famously when I was in my early thirties too!) I had no idea about whether we had money to pay bills, buy food or how stuff like that worked. I think this last year has been such a rollercoaster adventure with the kids involved at all levels which I am sure will pan out as an amazing thing for them but at times is pretty overwhelming. I always think of Tarly as the resiliant one and Davies as the internaliser but actually no one is that simple andone dimensional. Plus given her history of mad females on both sides of the family (both grandmothers have mental health issues and my sanity must be fairly questionable ;)) I guess there are all sorts of things going on for her that she needs support with and a solid reliable base beneath her to start from. Both kids respond really well to talking about stuff like this and are quite emotionally mature so I hopeful we can get through any issues she has for now, but I suspect her teens are going to be hugely challenging. One of our hosts said she’d been reading a great book about teens and how they have to go through certain phases in order to fully form and that in reading that she felt better about her changing relationship with her daughter as she went from 9-15ish. I must try and track it down, I think some outside perspective and prior warning of what might happen next would be good for me.
Comment by Nic — 18 January 2012 @ 9:45 am
Danny the Champion was my favourite Dahl when I was little – fab.
I’ve seen lost of different paths to literacy over the years we’ve home edded and I think I’ve had my ideas challenged pretty comprehensively by that! It took me a while to spot that for every autonomy advocate who had a child who read and wrote ‘spontaneously’ at eleven or twelve I was seeing another family where it didn’t happen that way and there was some painful work needed at thirteen or even older. Writing seems to be the really big stumbling block for some people if they don’t get it fluent when they are younger. I’ve seen bright teens really held back (in things they want to do) by not being able to write well.
I’m not wanting to be the voice of doom (and do please ignore me if this is irritating) but I’ve made a promise to myself not to hold back from sharing these observations because I’ve been such a mouthy autonomy advocate in the past and it seems wrong not to share the reservations I’ve developed over the last five years or so.
Comment by Allie — 18 January 2012 @ 9:55 am
I think you’re right Allie, stuff doesn’t just ‘happen’. We talked more yesterday about reading and writing and it came up again when I was driving as we talked about theory and practise in driving and then also in music. We discussed things that you have to work at and find hard often being the most rewarding and ones you are proud of.
I do believe that literacy and numeracy are given more gravity than they deserve, and this from me, someone who reads and write daily and has made a living from books and the written word BUT I do think they are valuable skills and ones that would enrich the kids’ lives. I also know that being able to read opens up a whole new world to them independant of me or other adults and that writing allows them to articulate themselves in more ways.
I never want my educational views to cloud my provision for the kids and I am ever conscious that what suits one doesn’t necessarily suit the other. For Davies I think the time has come for some deliberate assistance but with his total cooperation and awareness. For Scarlett she is still so utterly resistant that it would not be right to push for fear of attaching negative feelings towards literacy and making it hard work. It’s all such a fine balance isn’t it? I think we could do with some more unpicking as to why Scarlett really doesn’t want to learn to read and working on that.
Comment by Nic — 18 January 2012 @ 10:40 am
It is a fine balance. And you are so right about needing to recognise the different needs of different children. IME, it’s quite easy for children (even home edded children with lots of positives in their day-to-day lives) to develop nasty nagging doubts about their lack of ability in academic stuff and hide from what they fear they can’t do. And I think that all children are very much aware of what other children can do – or what they think they can do. Not saying that’s what’s happening with S but I think it is pretty common. I know I can be quite resistant to learning things if I worry that I’m ‘behind’ and should know about them already.
I have known lots of people who had ropey numeracy – mostly those who went to school. It’s not a huge deal in our culture to declare youself ‘hopeless’ with numbers and to ask for help. (Not saying that’s good – but it is true, I think.) But if you need help with reading and writing it is not socially acceptable in the same way – so I think it is a huge deal for people. So, in my prejudiced view – good literacy skills are vital in a way that numeracy is not.
As you say, reading and writing also enrich life massively – and I’m sure that numeracy does the same for those that feel drawn to maths.
Comment by Allie — 18 January 2012 @ 2:54 pm
I don’t think (for us) it’s about getting older per se, more about coping with change. Change when you have control over it is one thing but change you have no control over is far more difficult to embrace. Throw some physical changes into the mix (puberty developments of breasts and hairs growing where they never grew before or as I approach 40, saggy skin and definitely less energy than I had 20 years ago) alongside the changes in expectation people have from you and responsibilities you have to face and getting older is a very valid fear, I think. So saying how fab being an adult is is as helpful to my 11 year daughter as an 80 year old telling me how fab it is to be 80 when I think my eyes look tired.
Refusing to learn to read is something S feels she does have control over perhaps? In the past, it’s not been something you seemed to want her to be able to do, a bit of a challenge that your kids can’t read yet but look how great they are (and they are), fab examples of autonomous education. Some things you don’t just acquire the skills of, they require work, and I think your willingness to always read things for your kids has meant they haven’t needed to learn to read for themselves and also that they need you and keeps a bond? Mind you, making them learn to read when they are five by refusing to read computer game instructions and treasure trails around the house that required her to read to reach her goal seems to have resulted in a child who won’t sleep in her own room so I clearly would never claim to have answers, just posing more thoughts for you based on how it is for us. xx
Comment by Mich — 19 January 2012 @ 4:21 pm
Ooh interesting comments thanks folks 🙂 I’ve been thinking about this more over the last couple of days (quel surprise!)
Mich said “In the past, it’s not been something you seemed to want her to be able to do, a bit of a challenge that your kids can’t read yet but look how great they are (and they are), fab examples of autonomous education.” which is really interesting. I’m not at all sure I have celebrated the fact they can’t read although it is something I haven’t been too worried about. I know I have used it to shock people in the past when trying to give extreme examples of how different our brand of HE is to school for example. I struggle with the idea of ‘making reading fun’ and have always hated that idea of refusing to read something for a child on the basis they will then learn to read. If they ask me what something says or how to spell something then it seems really wrong to turn it into a test rather than giving them an answer. I would be really pissed off if I asked someone the way to the shops for example and they replied with ‘how do *you* think you might get to the shops?’. I am already over my wobble about S reading, she demonstrated yesterday that actually she is perfectly capable of reading when she decides to by reading a note from me saying ‘I love you Scarlett, Scarlett can read, Scarlett is clever’. I am not sure who was more surprised – her or I that she did indeed know the sounds and letters and could put them together. I still believe that given all the right support, encouragement and space to come to reading in their own time they will and every so often I will rock quietly in the corner about it until they can read and then I will find something else to rock in the corner about! There is most definitely some barrier to S wanting to learn to read, I suspect she is not even entirely sure what that is herself – fear, control, suspicion she’ll fail, increased independance she doesn’t want, greater responsibility…She has always been adamant about not wanting to though so at least I can’t blame it on recent parenting failure 😉 I guess I just work on the stuff I can do and with gentle prompts and maybe more of the type of stuff I did yesterday – no pressure but casual reminders that actually she *can* do it.
I read an interesting article today about conscious parenting – connecting and engaging with your child – something I have always felt I was very good at doing – naturally and as a result of our lifestyle previously. I think in the last year I have not been anywhere near as successful at that. It’s been something I have been aware of and been able to not fret about too much because I felt D&S were gaining in sufficient other ways from the adventure and lifestyle for it to be compensated for but I do want to rectify it from now even though it currently requires conscious effort and planning rather than just happening.
Keep the comments coming, I really appreciate the insights and thoughts 🙂
Comment by Nic — 19 January 2012 @ 5:11 pm
lots of interesting thoughts 🙂
I think it migh have been to do with how Alex is with reading and spelling and the trouble she has with it, but I also don’t do the testing / how do you think that is spelled type thing. It just was never worth it for her as I knew she just couldn’t ‘see’ the answer and was genuinely asking because she couldn’t work it out. James constantly asks me to spell things for him as well, so I also thought that if I could just tell him the answer then I should treat the kids the same. I hope one day they’ll improve and actually M has and is quite a good speller, A not so much but that’s down to how she is with words and hearing sounds etc.
I can understand the worry about the not wanting to read, it isn’t the process it’s the adamancy of the sentiment and what is behind that. Going more on what Michelle said, maybe she picks up on the fact that you’re proud of the non academic and ‘standard’ education the kids have had and equates that to not reading and being the same as others? It’s good to see that she can do it though and the actual mechanics of reading doesn’t look like it will be a problem.
Looking forward to chatting more about it irl soon!
Comment by Kirsty — 19 January 2012 @ 9:24 pm
argh, I meant non academic and non standard!
Comment by Kirsty — 19 January 2012 @ 9:27 pm
I really want to write something but I can’t face doing it in apple-ese. I have read though and will attempt to revisit from the laptop!
Comment by Merry — 19 January 2012 @ 11:26 pm