Well?

What a week. ‘What you wanna do’ Dave and Quiet Naomi have been here lots. Dave continues to be annoying but very kind hearted and generous which is an odd mix as it makes you feel both irritated and guilty. Eilidh and Scarlett have failed to find any sort of connection while Davies is visibly (and audibly!) relieved when Ben heads away home at the end of each day. We have said we will see them tomorrow evening at the shop for birthday cake but spend family birthdays just the four of us so have a lovely day of Just Goddards tomorrow.

After lots of issues I finally decided that I don’t actually want to be part of the IRCT board of directors just now. There are too many squabbles, whisperers and destructive and obstructive forces and it is such a fragile time for the trust just now. I’m not the first to retire early and I’m sure I’ll not be the last, I feel a bit bad that I have added to the unrest but it was sapping way too much of my time and energy and I was not feeling sufficient intrinsic reward or that I was making a worthwhile difference to justify the physical and mental drain on my time. I’m a bit teary about it but already feeling mostly just relieved which is a big step on feeling bitter and resentful which is how I could envisage it going. Ady is being very supportive and while its felt very challenging dealing with all of that while putting on a happy ‘move to Rum, it’s great’ face for the visitors, dealing with the worst weather we have ever encountered and agonising over the fact the ferry didn’t come today and therefore many of Scarlett’s birthday presents are not here in time I am sure next week when everyone has gone away, Scarlett is 11 and the weather returns to some semblance of normal and I’ve had a decent nights sleep it will all feel back in perspective again.

Ady and I were in one of our questioning moods this week wondering whether we are supposed to be here, are clinging on out of bravado or uncertainty about what to do next and last night felt like a good test. We were very que sera sera about what might happen, deciding that if the static got ripped apart then that would be our sign that our time here has come to an end. We seem to have been spared and sitting here with the table loaded with the presents (and some IOU on the next ferry vouchers) in the flickering candlelight with the fire all cosy and images of the kids playing in the snow today gives us renewed hope that this might be the right place for us in the end.

I look back on my blog from the days when Ady worked, I stayed at home HEing and think how samey it all was compared to the rollercoaster that was WWOOFing and now Rum. The highs here still outweigh the lows although the spectrum we span is SOOOOO much wider these days but when I recall all those ‘inspirational’ quotes I plastered that hall with at our Bye Then party I am reminded of what we felt was lacking, what we were searching for and what we hoped our lives might become and I realise we are living our dream just now, just at times the pinching to check we are awake hurts a bit more than it should.