One word? When seven would do…

Days are all blurred into each other, January can be that way anyway I think. This year more so. I’m hoping for some perspective on it all once we’ve got some distance out the other side. At the moment I am very aware of the slightly tarnished element of enjoying spending time at various friends houses with the fact that what we all four crave more than anything is some time to ourselves in a space of our own. I know it is our choices and possibly my actions that have led us here and that it is all very temporary indeed anyway and how incredibly lucky we are to have such wonderful friends at all but there are just too many aspects of our lives in limbo just now for even me, queen of ‘it’ll be fine’ to know it will all be fine but wish it would bloody hurry up and get there! 😆

So we’ve had excellent times with friends. Marcus, Michelle and Chloe are looking after us so well and insisting that they are the lucky ones to be able to – I’ve been brought a cup of tea in bed each morning, had baths, been cooked for, had my washing done for me and generally been totally princessed out :). The kids, as ever, adore the company of Chloe and also M&M (Scarlett is actually citing Michelle as a favoured candidate for Godmother should she ever get to have one. Fret now Kirsty, she still loves you too and I don’t think anyone will ever replace Ali in Davies’ heart 😉 ) We’ve had long walks, were treated to a drink in the pub and have spent enough time here now to feel utterly at home. It’s like our second Barbara’s! :loll:

Staying with Zoe, Wayne, Skye and Poppy (and dog and cats) was also fab. There was dancing, actual Popmaster with Ken Bruce, our own versions of Popmaster, homebrew, Humphrey worship, more walks, a gaggle of very noisy school girls outside our bedroom window at some unGodly hour, so much laughter and singing. Davies & Scarlett got to know Poppy and Skye better and found plenty in common. We did art challenges, swapped bits of life stories and generally and a wonderful time with them in their very gorgeous home. It was fab, funky and babyproof!

Seeing Merry, Max & girls was lovely. I can’t actually recall the last time Merry and I got to sit and chatter for hours but it will have been several years so it was great to do that and as ever the kids adore Merry’s girls (maybe one slightly more than the rest 😉 ). It was so nice to be reminiscing about years gone by and days of old :).

It was lovely to come back to M&M’s today and know we’re settled back in for a couple of nights before heading to the next place (not entirely sure where yet but we have several options).

I have spoken to my Dad today, as have Davies and Scarlett and the relief at doing so was fairly obvious. He anticipates my Mum ringing me tomorrow which will be good, I’d far rather pretend none of it happened and get some semblance of normal back for the kids’ sake if no one else’s. If she doesn’t I will equally know it is not me who failed to break the silence so can rest easier there too.

It’s now tomorrow, although I’m not officially 38 until 10.10am but I’m not yet broken! 🙂

2011 was toasted out with Rum, Jools Holland, love, laughter and a firm remembering that actually we end what has been an amazing year for us while moving into what promises to be another one. I’m up to March in my round up of 2011 which is of course when it all got really interesting and I think that will be an excellent exercise to remind me of just why we are currently homeless!

We saw 2011 in with Marcus and Michelle so it was lovely to see it out with them aswell, and even lovelier to have Chloe with us this year. Marcus cooked a delicious dinner, we all watched the fireworks at midnight and then some of us stayed up til nearly 4am watching Glastonbury highlights.

This morning I was woken with a cup of tea and a gentle brush on my cheek by someone who loves me – a great start to any new year :).

After a brunch we went off for a walk round a nearby nature reserve and back again which was perfect, blow away cobwebs, be out in the fresh air and nature. I walked with Davies for a while who was tired and a bit emotional and we talked through a few things. I hate knowing the kids are struggling and he rather is at the moment, possibly from too many conflicting emotions. We so need to be somewhere to give him a home and some stability again.

Back at M&Ms Davies and Scarlett were struggling with each other a bit so I took Tarly off for a chat and she crumpled, so fall out with her to deal with from yesterday too. She felt it was her fault, was worried Granny really meant all the things she said, that we’d never see them again, that she was responsible for me feeling so sad etc. So we sat on Michelle’s bathroom floor and talked it all out. I really don’t want to write my mother off as just mad to the kids, they have a relationship with her and deserve to be allowed to love her and make their own minds up without my feelings and experiences shaping that. Undoubtedly they will be aware of her flaws and of course I do feel the need to protect them from being on the wrong side of her crazier moments but it would be all too easy to abuse their unconditional love for me to persuade them I was right and she was wrong and they should blame her. So we talked about how Granny struggles with life sometimes and she always has, long before she had me and definitely long before I had Scarlett. I reiterated that no one had the right to shout at Scarlett, to make her feel bad about herself and to bully her (which I what I believe my Mum does) but cited the things I felt I did wrong yesterday and that I take full responsibility for them because admitting your mistakes and making efforts to put them right is what I believe is more important than not making them in the first place. Scarlett is very, very resiliant and although it took some talking through she is now fine with it all and I suspect will mentally catalogue this whole incident and do some learning from it. Not sure what but she’ll find something 😉

Further delicious food, good company and an earlier night for some than others 😉

Where were we? Ah yes, all gone to bed on Friday night after pleasant evenings all round happy and cheery and lovely. So Saturday morning dawned and while I was in the bedroom packing last minute stuff for our few nights away the kids were upstairs doing the same. Scarlett came in and I asked her to make sure Granny knew where the food for Humphrey was so she could feed and water him. Scarlett reminded me we’d not cleaned him out yet despite the book saying to clean them out once a week but I said it was fine and we’d do it when we got back as we’d done tidying in his cage through the week anyway. I then heard some raised voices from upstairs but by the time I’d turned the radio down Mum had thundered down the stairs. I overheard her snarling at Dad something about the hamster and went through to the kitchen where Davies said to me ‘Granny is shouting at Scarlett about the hamster not being cleaned out.’ Scarlett was there and said ‘Granny says Humphrey stinks and she shouldn’t be left to deal with him’ so I said ‘ok let’s clean him out then’ and set off with Tarly to fetch the cage and clean it out, all very calmly and cheerfully. It should be said that at least twice in the last week Tarly has attempted to show Mum how to feed, water etc the hamster and each time has been firmly rebuffed so had given up. This in direct contrast to Davies’ every move being of huge interest and worthy of applause and cheering.

As we walked through the house to gather the hamster Mum reappeared, in a total rage and started shouting at Scarlett about how it wasn’t fair that she was being left to deal with the hamster and Scarlett was supposed to be looking after it and she wasn’t doing it properly etc. all with finger firmly wagging in Scarlett’s very surprised face. I stepped between them and stated fairly calmly that Scarlett had done nothing wrong and she should not be being told off, we were about to go and clean out the hamster and it was fine. She carried on shouting, directing it at Tarly and continuing with finger wagging at which point I may have been less calm in asking her not to talk to Scarlett like that and to get her finger out of her face. She then threw her hands up in the air (rather a trademark of hers) and with pure hatred on her face snarled something about not being able to deal with all this.

I don’t have many points of weakness. I drink far too much, I go to bed far too late, I get up far too late, I swear too much and I am far too flippant. I do have a temper. I can blame this on inherited mental health issues from my Mother, rage issues from my Father, a tempering balance to the calm loveliness of Ady or my hair colour. Or I can simply take full responsibility for not always managing to keep a lid on my temper. I don’t lose it very often at all. When I do I always, always, without fail let myself down. I swear, I am threatening with an element of violence about me, I am likely to say things I regret / don’t even remember afterwards / hurt the person I say them to forever. But I do try really hard not to let it happen. And these days it is only really lost in defence of others – mostly Ady, Davies and Scarlett although I do have friends I love very much who would bring out the same protective tendancies in me too.

So I lost it and instead of continuing with the plan to clean out the cage, finish packing up and leave them to it I called after her ‘You’re fucking mental’. See, swearing, temper, truth, forever afterwards hurt. All in three easy words.

And of course she didn’t just take this. She followed me screaming, continuing to terrify Davies and Scarlett who simply have never witnessed such behaviour, certainly not directed at or coming from people they love. I quite speedily went from lost temper to menacing and lowered my voice, my tone and all of my principles. I don’t actually remember what I said although Scarlett tells me I called her a ‘mad old woman’ which would have been like stabbing and twisting – challenging both her mental health and her age is chucking the two things she is most touchy about in the world both at once. I have said before that I don’t want to lose my temper with people because I do wipe the floor with them and it is impossible to ever recover from that. I suspect I would have used the full armoury with her as this has been bubbling ever since we came home, and possibly for my entire life. I honestly don’t actually remember everything I said, I do know that pushing her down the stairs (we were stood on the landing) fleetingly crossed my mind so I suspect I had long since turned off any internal censor on my words.

The upshot was she told me to get out, to leave, to not come back. I do remember asking if she was sure that was what she wanted? To throw her daughter and grandchildren out, to let us leave and warning her she would bitterly regret it. As ever she closed the door and hid from the argument, what she does not want to do is actually see through the consequences of her actions.

So the kids packed extra clothes and we did clean out the cage which totally did not stink anyway and Mum went out, having spoken to Dad who failed to pacify her. I cried. Lots. No one quite knew what to do with that – Scarlett said she’d never seen me cry so much, Ady tried to tell me it would all be alright, Dad was all philosophical with lots of ‘everyone has said things that were better left unsaid’ and Frazer who came home after it had all happened didn’t really know what to do or say. I told my Dad we would be back to collect our things but would not be staying again and with hugs to Dad and Frazer we left. I told Dad that while I’d never expect an apology I also would not be the one to make the first move and left him with an anniversary card for today and a rather soggy shoulder.

As ever friends completely came through for us and within minutes we had offers of places to stay, support and love. I can’t quite articulate how very much that all means, so I won’t try and I’ll simply say thank you.

I spent most of the drive up to Marcus and Michelle’s crying and currenly feel emotionally wrung out. I have no real idea how to frame this, I know I was wrong for what I said, I know that I was wrong in my way of dealing with her – I lived there for enough years to know not to bait the tiger but to hide but I also know that listening to her berate Scarlett took me back to the little girl I once was who was made to feel rubbish about herself by my Mum and there is no way anyone is ever doing that to my daughter. I forgive my Mum for so much, I always have done. I have been lowering my expectations of her since I was old enough to have any. She has consistently let me down at times throughout my life when I needed her to the point where I have conditioned myself simply not to need her anymore. She had a chance these few weeks to love me and my family, to take us in and look after us, to be a mother. To make us feel at home, to feel loved and wanted and I think she blew it. She made us feel unwelcome, a nusiance, an inconvenience. She was happy for us to cook her for every night but to criticise what we cooked, to let us use rooms in her house but to sneer at the way we used them, we were not allowed to use the washing machine, the oven, their towels or bedding. The children were too noisy, too messy, too childish. She has let her relationship with my Dad cloud every other relationship she has and my judgement is clouded to such a point I have no real idea whether I am right or wrong anymore but self preservation and , protection of my own family wins out over everything else and for that reason I have no idea where her and I go from here but it won’t be with a return to her house on Wednesday to subject myself to it anymore. I am at my worst in her company, I live up to all the crappy expectations she has of me and in only a few weeks she has turned me from somone who had the best year of my life to someone who feels useless, homeless, a crap daughter, wife and mother and a character so vile she would shout with hatred and violent intent at the very woman who gave her life. That is not who I want to be.

*Everyone* in the house slept in this morning. I suspect Dad has got the cold we brought home from camp although he’s pretending he doesn’t.

We gathered up all dirty washing and headed off to the laundrette where we managed to park quite close and bunged it in washing machines (two smaller ones, the big one was already being used) and walked into Lancing. Dad had asked us to pick up an anniversary card for him to give Mum (I know, nothing like heartfelt!) as he’d tried to find one this morning with ‘wife on Ruby anniversary’ and not managed it. We couldn’t find one either and Davies was really keen to spend some of his money on a 3DS game (money so burns a hole in his pocket, the complete opposite of Scarlett who hoards her cash for as long as possible) so we decided to get the washing dry and head into town. We picked up something to eat from the bakery and walked back to the laundrette to bung the washing in the drier.

Town was fairly busy and we eventually found a parking space on a meter and just put in and hour or so as we didn’t need much. We got the card for Dad in the second shop we tried and failed to find the game Davies wanted any cheaper than Argos was selling it so reserved one in the branch across the road from Mum & Dad to pick up on the way home. While Ady and Davies were checking out the games stores Scarlett and I nipped along to the shoe shop to get her some new wellies. Scarlett *hates* clothes and shoe shopping and was stroppy with me in the first shop but after a bit of a chat she was positively sunshiney in the second and we got her a new pair of wellies and nearly a pair of boots too when she spotted a pair she liked. They didn’t have her size which was a shame as I don’t remember the last time she actually like something in a shop. I can’t quite believe she’ll ever become a fashion conscious teen after the lastest styles but I guess something will kick in at some point and she will.

We decided we just had time to nip along to a charity shop in the arcade before we needed to get back to the car and on the way back walked through Wilkinsons and bumped into Caz and Bid, Archie and Eliot :). We’ve been texting over the last week and made tentative arrangements for next week but it was fab to see them in person and exhange hugs, have a super quick catch up on each others news and firm up arrangements to meet at the beach next weekend. We then realised we’d been chatting far too long and our parking ticket would be up so Ady ran ahead to get back to the car. We were nearly 10 minutes late but fortunately hadn’t been spotted – phew!

We came home via Argos for Davies’ reserved game and Ady made dinner before he and Dad went off out. Mum and I actually had quite a nice evening chatting, knitting, drinking wine and we both had a bath. I told her to try and remember all the things she actually loves about Dad rather than focussing on the things she doesn’t and got her talking about the first time she’d ever met him and the things about him she’d fallen in love with. For all his moaning about her my Dad does still defend her and sing her praises for her good points whereas I don’t remember the last time I ever heard her say anthing nice or positive about him. Her face totally altered from her usual set hard grim expression as she described this tall handsome man sitting at the bar in a casino on a winning streak. I told her how she had looked happy and misty eyed and that was what she should be doing – listing all the good things about him rather than dwelling on the things she can’t change but is still trying to 40 odd years on. Who knows if it will help. I ranted at her about Frazer last week and told her to start trying to talk to him and rebuild a relationship there and she keeps whispering to me that she has managed a conversation with him every few days so maybe she will listen and it will make a difference. It would be nice to think we manage to be a good influence while we’re here rather than a bloody nusiance! 😉

Dad had asked for some help cutting up firewood this week and we’d been rained off yesterday but decided to do it this morning. My parents have had an open fire since we moved to this house 35 years ago but a couple of years ago they decided to have a wood burner installed. I’ve never been entirely sure why and it was a saga from beginning to end with at least 3 different lots of people called in to work on it, a chipped mantlepiece having to be replaced from somewhere abroad and the actual burner never working properly necessitating various call backs and fallings out with the supplier. It has now been fixed and actually works fine but of course it’s been so mild it has only been lit a couple of times in the last few weeks. So Dad had a big pile of logs ready to be chopped up small enough to fit in the burner. He does have a chainsaw but is not respectful enough of it and Ady has always done the sawing for him ever since we’ve been together. I think he is starting to realise his axe wielding days are coming to an end at 73 too.

So Dad mostly stood inside the garage peering out from behind the closed door, shielded from the occassional rain shower and flying woodchips and sawdust while Ady sawed and I fed him wood and stacked up the chopped bits. Initially Dad had just asked us to cut it to splittable pieces with the maul and hammer but we actually chopped the whole lot small enough to go straight into the burner using the chainsaw. It felt so good to be outside, doing something productive and active :). A very good couple of hours work. Meanwhile Mum was supervising Davies and Scarlett doing some tidying up. It was long overdue as they have scattered lots of stuff around their room in a sort of half unpacked state. They didn’t seem too traumatised by her supervision so either they will have learnt their lesson and keep stuff more in order in future or she was actually being okay about it. She did show me the carrier bag she’d taken up ‘for rubbish’ was empty at which I laughed at her expecting them to declare anything rubbish and want to throw it away 😆

We all had lunch and then Ady and I went to our room to go through the boxes. Mostly because we wanted to find a particular cook book but also because it feels so very claustrophobic being surrounded by towers of boxes so we shuffled stuff around a little and it feels incrementaly better. We have an ebay pile and after all these months I have uncovered my perfumes so have been wafting around smelling all lovely this afternoon!

At 330pm we walked along to The Charmendean which was the masons hall when I was a child but is now a sort of exhibition / venue place where the blood donation team visit. We’ve felt bad about not giving blood for a year (and realistically I’m not sure how reliable we’ll be again in the future, the nearest donation place to Rum appears to be Inverness!).

As has happened to me several times I failed the initial blood drop in the liquid iron test so had to have a larger sample taken for testing. That passed fine but my left arm is very hard to take blood from and sure enough I have a big lump and bruise there already 🙁 My right arm where the full pint was taken from is nowhere near as bad. Davies came in with me and asked loads of questions, unfortunately the nurse was not as receptive to him as we’ve found other medical staff to be so he didn’t get very comprehensive answers.

We sat back down with Ady and Scarlett who were a few minutes ahead of us in the queue now thanks to my delay and drank water which is supposed to lessen the chance of feeling faint. The nurse called Mr Goddard and a man who’d only just sat down got up. I was sure he must have misheard, particularly when I got called next and Ady should definitely have been before me so I detoured over to the man and said ‘did you call Mr Goddard? This isn’t Mr Goddard’ to which he indignantly replied ‘yes I am!’. I checked the paperwork (probably much to the nurse’s horror) and said ‘what Adrian Goddard?’ to which he replied ‘no!’. Cue much hilarity from the staff when they realised they had two Mr Goddards and a Mrs Goddard all donating in the same little corner of the room. The cry ‘too many Goddards!’ went up when the children joined in to which my response was of course ‘there is no such thing!’ 😆 It would have been realised as they do check your address with you again before starting to take blood but it’s always nice to meet another Goddard :).

Ady’s blood flow is very fast – I’ve been googling to see if I can find out why but can’t. Today his donation took 4 mins 42 seconds, I tried really hard with fist clenching and crossing and uncrossing legs and bum cheeks to push mine through and managed 5mins 30 seconds, so not quite a minute longer but still slower than him. (the other Mr Goddard was much slower than both of us 🙂 ). Apparently the average is between 6 and 8 minutes so we were both on the fast side :). We had our cup of tea and pack of biscuits and then walked home again.

Mum was out tonight at a work colleagues leaving party which meant we planned game pie for dinner using some pheasants and partridges Tom had given us before Christmas, as Mum can’t eat pastry. I made Hugh’s rough puff pastry which always comes out really well but was superb tonight thanks to using lard (Ady said it is the food of gods!) and cooked up the birds with some bacon, onion, garlic, carrots and red wine. It was delicious 🙂 We had it with roast potatoes and red wine gravy and the kids had a complete roasted partridge cooked in bread and butter which they carved themselves. So lovely to have full use of the kitchen 🙂 The kids and I all had baths too.

I spent ages on the bedroom floor with the kids, Scarlett had watched some TV programme about animal attacks earlier which was now haunting her, I suspect she may wake with bad dreams and end up down in our bed tonight. I told her a bedtime story at her request – about how a little girl got a pet hamster :). I came down at 11ish and thought they were on the verge of sleep but at 1230 had to go up and tell them to be quiet so clearly they were not.

Today has been a good day 🙂

I’ve not seen Davies without something with a screen attached to him today aside from an hour when we went out. Either the 3DS or my laptop, Ady’s tablet or a phone. I suspect it is a sign of impending Growing Up or something 😉

We walked into the nearest village today to post the rubbish DS back recorded delivery and in a blinding moment of foresight unlike any I usually demonstrate I bought my parents wedding anniversary card at the same time in the post office. It’ll be their ruby (40th) anniversary on 1st January. We won’t actually be here (thankfully, the wedding anniversaries I can remember when they are actually talking to each other are few and far between!)

We got caught in a really heavy shower of rain and all got slightly damp despite ducking into a charity shop until it passed over before walking home again.

Mum had been into town but got back shortly after us and then our friends Kev and Sue came over. Ady and Kev have been friends for about 30 years – Kev and Bruce were the two people I was taken to meet fairly early on in Ady and my relationship for approval – the closest he had to family to introduce me to I guess. Kev was widowed very young after only a couple of years marriage (his wife had a fatal asthma attack in her very early twenties) and he was sad and single for a long time but has been with Sue for about 15 years and she is lovely, a really good match for him. Sue has 3 sons and 5 grandchildren so although Kev never had any children of his own he does now have an adopted family too which is lovely :).

We had a really nice catch up with them and told them our plans. They have been folllowing the WW blog so had been keeping abreast of our adventures and given they have both had loads of work related stress this year they were very supportive of our ideas about getting away from it all. We’re hoping to catch up with them and Kev’s inlaws (he is still very close to his parents in law and brother & sister in law who all live together with 3 grandchildren) in the next couple of weeks.

Mum & I walked across to the supermarket for food for dinner while Ady and Davies did something online and Scarlett watched back to back documentaries about lions and tigers – she is loving the huge screen HD tv that Mum & Dad have for all the wildlife programes, Nat Geo Wild HD has never been watched so much :).

This blog feels very stale at the moment, lots of moaning about my parents and living in a limbo state, because friends are all busy with their own Christmas plans we are not even really managing to catch up with people here as much as we’d hoped, but we’re looking forward to Glastonbury in a couple of weeks and feeling usefully employed and on the road again.

We’d arranged to meet up with The Other Goddards today for a walk in Arundel. We’ve done it for the past few years at some point over Christmas (last year was Christmas Eve). It is so unseasonably warm (I’m not even saying mild now, it’s actually warm, we’ve seen bees and butterflies in the last week and stuff is starting to come into leaf with new growth) that it was nice to be outside and we’ve all gone down a coat level into Spring / Autumn coats rather than proper winter ones.

Chris came too which is always a mixed blessing – good because it’s nice to see him, nice to all 9 of us be together and good for Ady to have some time with his brother, but bad because he is incredibly controlling and hard on the kids and can kill any joy with a few words. Julie is fairly similar to me in terms of being relaxed about stuff with the kids and we are inclined to let the older ones roam fairly freely, especially in places they are familiar with. I utterly trust Davies and Scarlett, particularly after the year we have had and as a foursome with Jack and Maisie they are very sensible together. It was also nice for Jack and Maisie to have some ‘time off’ from Lorna who is currently perfectly Annoying Little Sister apparently.

We fed the birds there – a mix of ducks, swans, coots, moorhens and some gulls and marvelled over the huge trout swimming about. The water level was so low and the trout so huge they were not fully submerged with their top fin poking out of the water jaws – stylee :). Then headed off to walk around the lake. I fell into step with Julie and we talked about sibling relationships, my crazy parents, my brother (Julie is an only child and of course Ady and Chris despite being brothers didn’t actually grow up together so I am the only one with standard sibling relationship history to draw on. From my experience fighting like cat and dog while still being prepared to do anything for your sibling and always taking their side in a fight is normal and standard. I think Davies and Scarlett enjoy a very special sibling friendship aided by their lifestyle and having very complementary personalities) and plans for the coming year. It feels good to have plans A, B and C all tucked away in reserve and less nights left at my parents now than we have already spent here. Am so desperate to hear about Rum now one way or the other.

D, S, J & M had climbed the bank and were walking parallel to us, Julie and I shouted up to them to stay together and meet us at the end which they shouted back OK to so we carried on walking with Lorna. At the end though the older ones didn’t appear so after about 10 minutes of Lorna getting impatient and Chris getting angsty we started walking back again. We were met by Davies to say Jack and Scarlett had got stuck in some deep mud and couldn’t get out. Ady and Chris went ahead although Julie and I caught up with them before they’d done much. Chris was just shouting at Jack and calling him an idiot 🙁 and telling Ady he’d need to rescue them as he had wellies on and Chris didn’t.

And they did need rescuing!
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Jack had managed to get his feet out and is crouching here but is welly-less as they were left in the mud and he was stuck crouched on a log. Scarlett is up to mid thigh but with feet still in wellies! They had realised they were stuck so Davies had been building up a pile of wood for them to try and anchor themselves on to get out but it hadn’t worked and I think Jack was starting to fret (Scarlett thought it was all hilarious!) so they decided Maisie should stay and guard them from a safe distance while Davies ran to find us. What was bad was that several groups of people had walked past them and studiously ignored them, Scarlett said she even heard one person say ‘those kids look stuck…’ but had not talked to them. Ady and I managed to lay branches down to create a platform and haul them out then Ady recovered all the wellies – Scarlett’s were at the end of their life anyway but Jack’s are Hunters so worth digging out!

Jack continued to be berated by Chris but we made it clear to all four of them that we thought they had done well. Clearly getting stuck in mud is not something to be applauded but they had worked out the best course of action, worked together and Davies and Scarlett had done a great job of keeping Jack calm. I was really proud of all four of them, particularly when Davies and Scarlett told us that Jack and Maisie had been dreading Chris’ reaction.

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Note that level of mud to Scarlett’s mid thigh! 🙂

Back at the car Scarlett stripped off to pants and T shirt and we headed for home. After a quick wash off we had lunch and then walked up to the shops. We’d deliberately not bought Scarlett anything to go with her hamster knowing she’d enjoy choosing things herself so she needed a little house / shelter, some more chewy things and a ball for exercise. Davies had said he wanted to buy her something for the hamster too so they went clutching Christmas money from various people. The animal Christmas stocking treat packs were half price so Scarlett picked up a couple of those which worked out very cheap for treats and chewy things, she got a very cool exercise ball which can be used fully enclosed to run around the room or set on a stand to be a static ball or inside the cage with one of the sides off set on the stand to be like a slightly more enclosed wheel. The wheel that came with the cage was pretty rubbish so we’ve taken that out, had a tidy up in the cage and Humphrey spent a very happy 20 minutes rolling all around the lounge in his ball :). It’s now installed as a wheel in the cage where he is loving that too :).

We tried to get some new wellies for Tarly but she has exacting requirements of being ideally green but certainly not pink or purple or sporting flowers or things and she wants them as high up her legs as possible to enable the deepest puddles and streams to be navigated in them. So Brantano didn’t cut it!

Davies’ present from us was a second hand DSlite as his current one, five years old and very tired is giving up the ghost. He’d agonised over what DS to go for testing his rumble pack in various different friends DSs over the last month and trying to decide whether to have a new model and nothing else or a second hand one and other gifts too. He eventually decided on a second hand DS lite which we found in his requested colour of black. Sadly it seems to be one that had had a replacement casing put on and not very well. The buttons seem misaligned and the volume doesn’t always work. I felt really sorry for him that all his trying to make the right choice had backfired even though we promised a replacement as soon as we could sort it out. My parents said they thought we should buy a new one rather than a second hand one and that they were prepared to put the extra money towards it so he could have one. I contacted the ebay seller and arranged to send the rubbish one back for a refund and then we realised it’s almost impossible to get new DSlites anymore. The Sainsburys up the road from Mum & Dad’s happened to have two but then Davies decided actually he wanted red rather than black so the whole thing has continued to rumble on. Today I suggested to him that actually maybe he should think about a DSi or 3DS instead and just keep the tired DSlite for using with his rumble pack been as there isn’t much difference in the price. Sure enough at Sainsburys they had a red 3DS and loads cheaper than anywhere else we could find one so Mum went back up with him and got it and he is utterly delighted with it. We’ll reimburse Mum our share once the ebay one has been refunded. I feel a bit rubbish that we were not able to do that for him without their help and know it will be mentioned lots that actually it is now another present from Mum rather than what we got Davies for Christmas but Davies so doesn’t care about where it came from anyway and I am really happy to see him so chuffed with it.

I had a bath, followed by Ady and then Scarlett and cooked dinner – I cooked up leftover jacket potatoes with some onion and garlic, the last of the cold turkey and gammon and a salad. All very nice and mostly from leftovers – I’ll convert my parents yet! 😉

I sat with the kids til they fell asleep tonight, mostly because it is the most reliable method of keeping them quiet and therefore asleep quicker.

Get me with my imaginative titles 😉

We’d been invited to a Boxing Day shoot this morning but it was always highly unlikely we’d get up in time to attend and sure enough none of us were up much before about 10am.

We headed off on a walk, taking Tarly’s new camera to test it out. Across the road from Mum & Dad’s is a footpath leading directly to the downs so we set off that way, double backing after a short distance to get wellies out of the car as the track was far muddier than I’d been expecting. It felt good to be back in wellies and mud again walking up hills and through woodlands :).

Ady seems to be veering between supportive of me regarding my parents and frustrated by me for not bowing to their whims or engaging in peacekeeping tactics. I simply have no patience or tolerance for them and find it terribly frustrating that they spend so much time slagging each other off to me and performing like they did on Friday with all the threats of leaving each other forver then they suddenly close ranks and both start picking on me together. I guess the fact we had originally expected to have only been here a week so far but have already been here for a month is now taking it’s toll. Only about two more weeks til we’re off to Glastonbury though and we’re away for some of that so I think we can muddle through, just.

Oh and Ady has a cough so I do want to kill him anyway ;).

We walked for about an hour, sat in the park for a while which is at the end of the walk and then headed to Sainsburys as Mum has decided to make it a mission to eat or drink anything we buy as quickly as possible. This feels really mingy to have noticed but Ady remarked on it too so it is clearly deliberate. We bought some blue cheese and crackers and she has almost eaten all of them. So we picked up some more of both along with some pickled onions and a couple of other bits I wanted.

Back at the house we had lunch and then I decided to take the two huge bags of laundry along to the launderette. I’d done a load last week but it had been noted and huffed about so I won’t do any more laundry here now. I have told Dad how mental it is and that it is the laughing stock of our circle of friends how we are not allowed to do laundry here. He also finds it crazy but then he lives with crazy full time. As it happens I don’t actually mind the act of taking it and sitting with a book while it processes anyway.

When I came back everyone was watching Harry Potter so I sat in the kitchen with my laptop and some books. I’ve made a start on my round up post of the year which is proving more epic than usual, particularly given I have TWO blogs to re-read to try and summarise 🙂 An enjoyable exercise though, particularly reading the early Jan and Feb parts when it was all angst about whether it would all fall into place or not and how we’d cope with things which I know now we managed just fine :).

Scarlett has been doing great work taming Humphrey and is hoping to get a ball for him tomorrow. She is slightly nervous about being nipped again but I know she’ll overcome that. Listening to her telling Maisie about him on the phone was lovely :).

Dinner was leftover meat and jacket potatoes, the food waste here really gets to me and it all goes to landfill too. I’ve given up even trying to talk to them about recycling, composting or anything like that so bite my tongue but it is hard to watch food chucked away every night.

This evening we watched some Gavin & Stacey and then headed to bed for an early night. Certainly don’t miss TV, I’ve not seen anything since we’ve been back that has been really worth watching.

I’ve concluded today that I can be just as irrational as my parents regarding Christmas. Which doesn’t excuse them but doesn’t make me look great either…

Davies and Scarlett woke before 5am and arrived in our bedroom with stockings. They sat on our bed and opened them and were suitably pleased with everything. It was then barely past 5am and as Ady and I hadn’t got to sleep til nearly 2am and I knew they had a fairly small amount of gifts to open anyway I could see everything being over by 530am with a very, very long day stretching ahead in which I would be unable to function from tiredness. So I said no one could go into the lounge until 6am and they could either go back to bed until then or stay quietly in our room. Davies got a bit upset at this which I took to mean he should probably go back to bed but Ady took pity on him and decided meant I was horrible! The compromise was some youtube clips on Ady’s phone of something Christmassy until 6am while Ady and I dozed.

At 6am we four went into the lounge and the kids opened their presents. They both had a sledge with all their gifts loaded on. Davies got a reconditioned DS lite, a Little Howard book, several DVDs, a couple of books, a PSP game, a memory card for his PSP, socks. Scarlett got her hamster and cage with very basic kit (the plan being we’ll take her to the pet shop next week to get all the additional stuff out of her own money as we knew she’d want to buy stuff for him anyway), a Playmobil set, some books. They both got new sketch books, decent felt tip pens and a tub of plasticine each.

We’d hidden the hamster behind the sofa and so Scarlett had opened all her presents including a book about hamsters without actually knowing she had him. I said with a straight face that as soon as we were in a position to get her a pet we would and that was why we’d got her that and then called her over for a cuddle, knowing that over my shoulder she’d see the cage 🙂 She was so happy 🙂 🙂 🙂

Of course she ignored all warnings and managed to get nipped on the end of her finger which bled copiously but that was not enough to diffuse her joy. She has spent the day on an absolute high, utterly pinching herself that she has her very own pet. It’s been everything I hoped to give her and more :). She named him Humphrey on sight, after the books about the hamster, which had been my second guess of name once I knew he was a boy, after Fluffy, which I hadn’t put past her, or indeed Hamstery 😆

I had a quick shower and the four of us sat around eating chocolate and watching the sleeping hamster til everyone else got up.

Mum and Dad gave the kids their gifts which were birthday and Christmas combined – a Lego Black Pearl (from PotC) for Davies and a camera for Scarlett. This year both Mum & Dad and Frazer had got us to do the actual choosing and shopping for the kids which makes for a much less random gift selection although it can be slightly tough seeing someone else get all the credit for something you knew the kids would love and put loads of effort into selecting. Particularly Davies’ lego as that took loads of chasing to actually get delivered. The main thing is the kids got what they wanted though and I spent some time sitting with Davies setting that up while Ady sat with Tarly doing the Playmobil (inbetween getting hassled by my Mum to help with the dinner despite her having my Dad offering to help). I can’t abide the fuss about a roast dinner taking precedence over spending time with the children.

We had some mince pies and then Frazer reappeared having dropped Kat home (she came back later in the evening) and gave everyone his gifts – Angry Birds tops for the kids, an Animatazz kit for Davies and a model dolphin kit for Tarly again bought and wrapped by us. They were both really chuffed with these gifts 🙂 🙂

A fairly sedentry day of drinking, watching TV, watching the hamster (who Scarlett is now feeding by hand very happily but is understandably slightly nervous of putting her hand too near incase of another nip) and of course eating. Frazer sat with us for dinner and then we exchanged small ‘table presents’. We’d got Mum and Dad a bar of chocolate each, along with a CD of a radio show dad used to listen to as a boy and was fondly reminsicing about a few weeks ago so I managed to get hold of and a nice bottle of wine and a wine holder for Mum. Small and inexpensive gifts (less than £20 in total but with plenty of thought). Mum got Ady a pack of socks that are the wrong size and a book for me that she’d got Ady to choose and give to her. I have to confess to being slightly put out by that, particularly when Scarlett asked about a pile of three or four elaborately wrapped presents left over which Mum said were for Kat (and I later heard Kat effusively thanking Mum for…). I don’t want something expensive but even a passing thought towards something for one of the four of us that she had actually got herself would have been nice…

Dinner was nice, but too much as usual. I felt really sluggish afterwards so headed off for a brisk walk before it got properly dark. Ady was too tired and Davies too busy with lego but Scarlett came with me and her and I had a lovely half an hour or so pounding the pavements chatting, mostly about hamsters :).

Back at the house I had a lie down for half an hour or so as I felt rubbish but I had so many visitors that I gave up and got up again. Kat and Frazer came and sat with us for a bit and I tried really hard to strike up some sort of conversation but she gave nothing back and I started to feel as though I was interviewing her for a job so gave up. Particularly when a comment meant to be a compliment was taken the wrong way and needed explaining. :rolls: Family eh?!

We watched Doctor Who and then Coronation Street or something similar was put on at which point I removed myself as I can’t bear soaps so I went to sit with my latop in the kitchen. Ady came to join me and the kids went up to bed. Scarlett managed to fall down the last third of the stairs (running as usual) and really scraped her legs but ran past my parents in tears as they berated her for making a big thud rather than asking if she was okay so I stropped at them about that which resulted in Mum going off in a huff. Two more weeks with time away inbetween is going to be more than enough here, I am really struggling with it now, Willow looked very tempting yesterday.

But the kids have had a fab day, extra money from parents and brother has meant they got way more gifts that we could have afforded and as we got to choose for them they ended up with stuff they loved. Scarlett is calling this the Best Christmas Ever and actually my parents probably have me in tears for some reason every single Christmas so this has been one of the better ones really.

Tomorrow, we’re off for a walk, fresh air, exercise and time away from the crazies.

Up with the alarm this morning after far too late a night and then off to Pets@Home soon after they opened at 8am. The very lovely and friendly assistant (who I suspect may well have been hitting on me, she was very touchy feely and asked with rather too much meaning if I liked her bow tie!) helped me choose a hamster, went through all the pet ownership stuff with me and then after further banter with the store manager who was serving on the till and confided he thought he may have already drunk too much coffee this morning I walked back across the road and installed Hamster in his new home tucked away in our bedroom. He is very cute, fluffy long haired white with cinnamon coloured patches, brown eyes and twitchy whiskers. I’m really not a fan of caged animals but I do know he will be very much loved, looked after and is likely to not spend an awful lot of time in his cage anyway given he will be Scarlett’s new best friend :).

I finished some last minute wrapping and then we woke the children, giving them a fairly long lie in in deferance to sleep deprivation from the night before and anticipation of an early start tomorrow!

This morning I made mince pies with some assistance from Ady while Mum went up to Sainsburys and Dad and the kids watched Muppet Christmas Carol. Washed down with snowballs and Graham Norton on the radio it was all very lovely. After lunch we watched Polar Express and then I ran up a stocking (very oversized sock shape out of scrap white material) each for the kids on the sewing machine with Davies having a go at it. He was quite nervous of it at first and a bit jerky but got the hang of the pedal fairly quickly and I think would like to have a longer go another time. I have so much scrap material it would be great to let him loose on it and see what he creates. The kids then drew all over the blank stockings, both did excellent and very originally ‘them’ pictures which I must take a photo of tomorrow.

From about 330pm Scarlett was asking to go to bed 😆 After getting a pair of new pyjamas for Christmas Eve present every year since they were born yet always seeming surprised to open the present and find pjs Scarlett said yesterday ‘when we get our Christmas Eve pyjamas…’ but they were still excited about opening them 🙂 Both look very cute in pjs that fit again rather than ones half way up their legs. Scarlett commented on how very comfortable they are when they don’t cut into your waist, but followed that up with ‘but I don’t want to get rid of any of the ones I already have!’ 😆 New pjs in the sales though definitely!

Ady and I cooked dinner and chatted in the kitchen getting stuck into proper festive drinking and checking his friendfeed account online rather than on his phone finding lots of friend sub requests and returning them after he realised he was only seeing about half the threads I get on my phone. Not sure if it’ll last but he’s currently a convert to keeping up with people that way :).

We skyped Lynda and Stuart and then the kids did go to bed. They didn’t actually go to sleep until about 11pm but were at least in bed long before 9pm. Ady, Dad and I found yesterday’s Popmaster Grand Final on iplayer as we’d all missed it live. The result was as we’d expected but nice to have it confirmed. We caught the end of Outnumbered and then some other random stuff on TV at which point I went and sat with the kids for a while and read them Twas the night before Christmas.

Presents are now installed under the tree, each child’s resting on a sledge which is one of their presents but not worth wasting acres of paper to wrap. Hoping to get to use them at some point this year if not for sledging then for transporting things off the ferry up to the croft! 🙂 The hamster is tucked behind the sofa to come out once all other gifts have been opened.

Just as we went to bed I realised Mum & Dad were left up still chatting to each other fairly amicably (we fed them lots to drink but not to breaking levels 😉 see we can do responsible getting people drunk too!) and then Frazer and Kat walked in having been to church ( 😯 ) which is good as she’d walked out last night after they’d rowed too. Not sure if it’s Christmas magic or whether it simply bodes badly for the morning having parents with hangovers and noisy early awake kids and Kat here for potential stroppy Christmas morning-ness too but for now we’ll accept the festive glow of it all and pretend it’s a Love Actually moment 🙂

We’ve had a few more replies to our festive email sent to WWOOF hosts all of which have been very lovely and made us feel excited about what happens next. It’s odd being here crammed into this bedroom surrounded by all our stuff with no real idea of what we might be doing next or when but I’m very hopeful we’ll be in our own house somewhere next Christmas eve.

Or ‘The one where Nic and Ady break more of their friends’.

Yesterday morning we took in a couple of parcels, the remaining ones have also now arrived so with the exception of collecting the hamster in the morning all shopping is done. I’m really pleased with the stuff we’ve got the kids this year, no tat, all useful or practical and stuff I think they’ll be really pleased with :).

We packed up the car and headed off to Portsmouth, via Tescos to collect a bottle of wine or two to take with us and return the top I’d bought the night before because it didn’t fit me.

We were visiting Tom and Ingrid, ex workmates of Ady’s who have become good friends over the years. It was Tom’s parents house that Sploosh and Lucky went to live at and we have had some great times with doing outdoorsy stuff. This time we were staying at their house in Portsmouth and had arranged to arrive sometime after 2pm.

We were greeted with home made pizza and glasses of wine – always welcome 🙂 Plus presents for the kids and for us – Scarlett got one of those growing crystal fuzz on a penguin kits and Davies a UFO mystery thing which came with a DVD. They both loved them and spent ages setting them up while Ady and I caught up with Tom and Ingrid. Three of Ady’s other old workmates called in over the course of the evening and he spoke to a couple more on the phone so it was a really nice reunion for him and as I get on OK with them all too it was all very sociable. It was good to be telling our story of this year and explaining what we’re planning next – it got us all excited anew :).

The others left and we had a very nice dinner of roast leg of pork (from Tom’s parents pigs) which we cooked as a team in the kitchen while listening to their ipod music and testing the buy-ability of their collection of cookbooks based on a very scientific method of opening them at three random recipes and voting on whether we’d cook that or not. Rather surprisingly, as we are not big fans, Jamie Oliver’s book won that challenge hands down.

Plenty of drinking and merriment before we all settled down to watch Paul, which we’d not seen before. Thought it was alright but certainly not Pegg and Frost’s best work (I suspect they will never better Shaun of the Dead for me). Tom and Ingrid both fell asleep on the sofa during the film… the youth of today, just can’t keep up with us ;).

Davies & Scarlett shared one bedroom, top and tailing in a bed where Davies stole the covers all night apparently. Ady and I slept in the other spare bedroom where Ady also nicked the covers all night. I can’t think he’s ever done that before so clearly something in the Pompey air 😆

This morning we were cooked a lovely full cooked breakfast by Tom and Ingrid who are very lovely friends 🙂 They invited us to stay longer and although we probably won’t be taking them up on the offer it was very lovely to have it extended :). We had a bit of a photo slideshow and some more anecdotes from our travels before bidding them farewell as they had last minute Christmas shopping to do and we had visiting to do.

First to Bruce, to drop off a bottle of whiskey as a special Christmas Thankyou for having Willow. He wasn’t there but we did pop and visit Willow who was looking very snug in the cowshed. We miss her 🙁

Then to Chris and Juli’es for a couple of hours pre Christmas get together and present swap. They have all been ill for weeks and are still not totally better – the kids have been diagnosed with Whooping Cough now although the GP said they are fine to be sent back to school 😆 🙁

Back at home Ady and I called into the pet shop for the hamster cage and Sainsburys for dinner stuff which we came home and I cooked. Dad and Ady went out while I stayed home, got the kids to bed and then dealt with the fall out from my parents latest row. I can’t even be bothered to blog about it, just one more in a long line of hysterical nonsense from two people who really shouldn’t be together but seem utterly incapable of putting the wheels in motion to split up. Not my concern or something I have time or energy to invest in after too many years of mediating. I did then end up sitting with Dad for a bit when he and Ady got home and now it’s stupidly late again and I’ve got the alarm set for 730am!

I got up earlyish again this morning despite not being due at the dentist until 11.15am. I fear the kids and I have drifted too far back into late nights and late mornings and quite aside from the fact I know my parents are observing this slatternly behaviour and judging us I don’t think it’s a great habit anyway.

So we were all up, just the four of us in the house which was all lovely and chilled out, drinking tea, watching Christmassy TV and making a start on a festive email we wanted to send out to all our WWOOF hosts this year in lieu of a Christmas card when for some reason I just thought I’d check my appointment time again. Our dentist sends a reminder by text 48 hours before the appointment but I had not actually read it when it came through on Monday, so I checked my phone and realised that this morning’s appointment was actually at 10.15am not 11.15am at all! Fortunately it was just before 10am when I made this discovery which was sufficient time to grab my coat and drive along the road and arrive on time :). My previous appointment a couple of weeks ago had been at 11.15am and for some reason I’d assumed this one was at the same time again.

I paid my Dad’s dentist bill (which was a bargain, £17 paid for him to write off £25 that I owed him as he reckoned it saved him a journey!) and the receptionst who always remembers us for our Home Edding and more recently our travelling – she was thrilled to see us again and hear about our adventures was really taken aback – ‘So David Davies is your Dad?’ said with incredulous tones. And then a few seconds later ‘So Frazer Davies is your brother?!’ I didn’t like to ask why she tied us all up or had quite such a good memory for who was who but I’m kind of glad Mum isn’t a patient there 😆

I’d been faintly dreading this appointment as the last one was quite hurty and took a while to feel better but I was in and out in about 10 minutes. The crown is gold – I had said I had no preference but actually I guess gold is nicer than silver, for all I think it looks nasty just for not being tooth. Both my parents have had gold crowns and like the flashiness of them, I just think it looks like a Bond baddie or a Spice Girl but fortunately it is far enough back that it doesn’t show when I talk or laugh really anyway. The dentist was pleased with it and urged me to look in the mirror which was very funny as I was also wearing the tinted goggles so I looked like I was all about the bling 😆 She offered me the choice of being numbed so I would not feel the sensitive bit of removing the temporary crown and fitting the new one but said that meant it would be harder to test the bite as it’s tricky to do when you’re numb. I said I’d be fine without a jab and although it was indeed very sensitive it was only momentary and was pleasing as it means the tooth root is still alive and healthy which was another potential concern. I like the feel of the crown, it is slightly lower than the tooth had been which always felt wrong so this feels better against my top teeth.

I nipped into Lancing hoping to pick up a big tub of plasticine each for the kids from a toy shop which sold them last year only to find they don’t sell them anymore. I know from last year that they were almost impossible to track down so I resorted to paying next day delivery from amazon in the end. Which I am now regretting partially as something due to arrive today didn’t and partially because I thought of at least two more things I should have added to the order to fully justify the £6 next day charge!

Back at home everyone was feeling quite tired and sorry for themselves – I think a cold combined with camp come down has hit us all hard. Ady popped up to Sainsburys for some bits for lunch after which I spent a couple of hours shut away in the bedroom sorting out presents and wrapping. I had a last minute wobble that although we’ll have spent about the same on them Scarlett will be getting a couple of very magical gifts this year and I wanted to up the ante slightly on Davies’ pile to create that same element of suprise and ‘oh wow’. I know my kids have had a fabulous year this year but they have also had a lot of doing without and facing the harsh reality of life and people and stuff. All good but it does mean sometimes I fret the magic and uncomplicatedness of childhood has gone a bit so a pile of wrapped magic, even if it is way smaller than in previous years will make me feel like I’ve given well. (To which end I’ve just sneaked off mid post and added another amazon order in!)

Ady fed the kids early and then we ate with Mum & Dad a little later. We were supposed to be going for a drink with Frazer and Kat tonight but they cried off (unsurprisingly, we were sort of expecting it really) so Ady and I ended up hitting the 24 hour Tescos at 10pm when the kids were in bed, getting the Christmas beers and picking up a couple of dvds for Davies.

I thought I’d blogged yesterday already!

It was Christmas Shopping Day. We left Davies and Scarlett with my Dad and Ady and I headed into town with a half hearted mental list of stuff to get. We parked outside of the parking zone which ended up being rather further than I’d realised to walk into town (about a mile and a half to the main pedestrian area). We walked along the first bit of town which is mainly charity shops and so we looked in most of those along the way which meant we didn’t really register the distance.

The first real shops we hit were Poundland, Argos, Hawkins and Sports Direct so we bought bits in there (collected stuff we’d reserved online in Argos) including sledges, stocking fillers and wrapping paper. Ady wanted to nto actually buy anything until the way back but I didn’t want to go in every shop twice so proposed we bought everything including the sledges and walked back to the car to deposit them before heading back into town. Then it started raining. I realised about half way just how far it was back to the car but by then we were carrying sledges so not going back to the car wasn’t really an option.

We got most of the stuff on our list, found a couple of other cool things, got presents for both kids from Frazer who had given me money to spend on them and came away with just a couple of things still to get which I’ve managed on Amazon (arriving tomorrow), from Peacocks today and will collect the others from Lancing tomorrow. So that’s us done.

It did take until gone 5pm though and that last walk back to the car, in the rain, in the dark, having argued in Millets about shoes for Ady meant we were knackered, pissed off and soggy.

We got home and I had a bath and got ready to go out. I was meeting up with five ex work mates from the library for a pre-Christmas drink as I had missed their Christmas meal a couple of weeks ago that had been arranged with me in mind when dates were talked about but at the last minute I realised I had double booked myself for. I arrived at the pub first, partially on purpose, I quite like sitting in a pub on my own, much to my Dad’s horror when I was younger as he had a very strongly held opinion that only a certain type of woman sat in pubs on her own! 😆 I chatted to the barman for a while who expressed surprise and asked ‘you can’t be here all on your own?’ He was mightily relieved when I did indeed have a gaggle of friends around me half an hour later, he clearly shares my Dad’s views.

It was a really nice couple of hours catching up on everyone’s year – a couple of the Saturday assistants had come, now in their second year at uni and doing well, another colleague who has been promoted and no one had really seen much of and another who is working out her notice. So there was plenty of shop talk about libraries and plenty of other stuff about life in general. Ady popped in once the kids were in bed (the pub is across the road from Mum & Dad’s) for a last drink which was nice too, he got to answer some of the questions. I’m never sure whether people are relieved to meet him and discover he is a fairly strong character in his own right and not brow beaten by me into crazy ideas, or whether that worries them even more that there are two grown ups in charge of children with equally mad outlooks! Of course if they know the kids then they either write us off or conclude we are better off in the same campervan as each other rather than spoiling more families!

We walked home and chatted to Dad for a while before heading to bed. I was fairly merry having been bought a drink by everyone who came and not eating my dinner until I got home (all I’d had all day was a sausage roll while out shopping) so having eaten my lasagne I collapsed in bed but it was late.

Today Was up early-ish to head to an appointment at Hove Skin Clinicwhere I’ve been refered by the GP for my NicFace flare ups. The letter only came through yesterday with an appointment for today. It was all very posh and fancy and brightly lit with glossy magazines and tea and coffee etc. The doctor I saw was lovely, very clearly knows her stuff, listened to my history and concluded she thinks it is something I am eating / drinking. She does not think it is airbourne otherwise I would have respiratory issues and she does not think it is contact allergy as I would have flare ups elsewhere on my body. So I have been sent away to think about what I might be eating which could cause it, not take any antihistimines or steroids for 2 weeks and go back on January 10th for skin prick allergy testing which fingers crossed will give a conclusion as to what it is. She then suspects I may have to carry an epipen as the increased frequency of the flare ups suggests it could be worsening and the reactions greater which could lead to a serious reaction at some point and as food allergies are easy enough to avoid at home it is not always feasible out and about.

I would so love to have this sorted out as it is something that makes me very fretful about Rum if I have the possibility of NicFace outbreaks hanging over me without easy access to a GP (not technically an emergency so not worthy of emergency attention).

We were then just one block away from Hove Museum which is one of our favourites anyway so we called in there, showing Ady around as he’s not been before. The exhibition currently is Robots with a collection of toy robots and some robot inspired art work along with a film of robot toys. We enjoyed the rest of the musuem as usual, including the toys area and the silent film cinema with old black and white movies, usually local, running on a loop.

We called into Portslade where I got Christmas Eve pjs for the kids and we called into Aldi for various bits and pieces including pizza ingredients for dinner tonight. By then I was feeling really ropey and we came home for lunch.

I decided I either needed to go to bed and call time on the whole day or pull myself together and muddle through so I went for a lovely hot bath and finished reading a book on the kindle written by a friend, all very frothy chick lit style stuff but all the more interesting for knowing the location of the book and being able to second guess some of the characters inspirations. Loved spotting a couple of names of people we know butchered into characters too :).

I lay on the bed and finished reading after my bath at which point I decided I was well enough to go out so went and sorted dinner out for everyone before Ady dropped me off at the library. I was going along to the Reading Group Christmas meeting despite having not read the book. It was lovely to see everyone and they were all really pleased to see me too, so plenty more talking which was hard with my cough and sore throat. The mulled wine had a nice medicinal effect though…

Then I went home with Mike and Rose (not swingers) and Ady came and joined us for a couple of hours chatting. Mike had made his own mulled wine from scratch, along with some wassail and some festive nibbles (plum chutney, pickled shallows, festive sausage rolls). Very interestingly as a result of conversations we have had over the years Mike now eats fish (he was a confirmed vegetarian) and is planning to eat turkey on Christmas Day and meat on two or three other occassions through the year. I love Mike, he is so intelligent and interesting and loves to find opportunities to further educate himself. This year he has learnt all about every festival and made a real point of carrying out different customs and traditions. Their house is full of home made decorations and ideas including a very lovely advent box with numbered drawers which once opened and the days treat consumed are turned around and put back in to make a picture. I was invited to open todays which was a chocolate santa and a clove of garlic ready to plant tomorrow on the shortest day. I always feel I have learnt something after spending time with Mike, along with feeling as though I may have taught him something in return which is always nice :).

We left about 1130pm and I very sensibly came straight to bed, except that was nearly 2 hours ago and I am still blogging and coughing. So that grown up bit is still sneakily being shouted down…

It was always going to be hard to return to Mum & Dad’s after such a lovely time with friends. Friends who made us feel so very welcome, let us use their washing machine and tumble drier, fed us and generally enjoyed having us to stay. That Babs and Chris have been amazing to us this year 🙂

Our run back south was a nice straightforward one. Just 30 miles from home we ground to a halt on the M23 and fire engines screamed past us but we were within sight of the car on fire which was causing the delay so were able to watch the emergency services swing into action, prompting discussions about how such incidents are managed, how they already have planned responses to such things and how every person deployed will have a very specific role with someone clearly in charge making it all happen smoothly. It was an interesting example for the kids of how stuff like that can all happen.

We arrived back around 4pm and after unloading the car we all had baths. I had first bath and then nipped up to Sainsburys for emergency quick dinner food for Davies and Scarlett along with ingredients for a curry for the rest of us later. We have all been eating together but I was very conscious of the need for an earlier night for the kids, not to mention catering for them as they were really hungry having woken late for a 10am breakfast, then traveling through lunchtime sustained only by apples, a handful of twiglets and some sherbert lemons which were all we had in the car.

Mum arrived home from work and I brushed Scarlett’s hair which was possibly the most tangled it has ever been. I was not sure why but have discovered today she has started twirling it which tangles it into knots. I fiddle with my hair too, but not close to the roots as she is doing. I’m slightly concerned that she is developing a few nervous type habits although she seems otherwise content and okay. Maybe it’s simply tiredness rather than anything concerning.

The kids went off to bed and we sat down to curry. Ady was chatting to Mum and watched that dancing program final with her while Dad and I sat in the kitchen and chatted. He has clearly missed us while we’ve been away and it was nice to have a good talk with him. We straightened out a few things about our future plans which feels positive to have done. I know he is far from convinced but I hope I have at least allayed his fears a little about the whole thing. I suspect every step we take closer makes it more real to him, neither of them said much about the newspaper article, although they did love the video clip of Davies doing Jake the Peg so they are not totally without emotion ;).

I had full intentions of blogging but by the time I got into bed I was really tired, it all having caught up with me so I went to sleep instead.

Sunday This morning we all got up late, my sleep pattern and certainly the kids too are totally screwed up. I can’t decide if this is a problem or not really… I’ve spent some time flickring through out the day and finally blogged camp too although there is so much resistance to me being on my laptop that I struggled to get it done. Not sure why it is perfectly fine and acceptable to sit infront of the TV for hours but less okay to be on the internet, I’d have thought the laptop was actually more interactive than the TV…

Mum and I went to Sainsburys for dinner for tonight and tomorrow. I’d decided in the car yesterday that I wanted to go to a carol concert this year and proper googled to find one near to here, turning up the big walking distance church having a carols by candlelight service tonight at 630pm, which Davies and Scarlett had said they wanted to come to with me. Mum had originally said she’d come too but changed her mind at the last minute. Scarlett said she thought maybe she had upset her by saying ‘we’re going to the carol concert at the church, you can come too if you want’ as she’d gotten a sarcastic reply. Scarlett also said to me ‘I think Granny might despise Christmas. It must have been hard being a little girl at Christmas with Granny and Grandad.’ Perseptive child 🙂

So I cooked dinner for 4pm so we could eat before we went and very nice it was too, roast beef etc. I also spent time watching a film with the kids eating popcorn as I’ve not spent nearly enough time just hanging out with them lately. They were so pleased when I appeared in their bedroom and said ‘shall we watch a film then?’. We snuggled up all together and watched Fox and the Child with me just nipping out every so often to check dinner. Ady and Dad watched a football match on TV and I’m not sure what Mum was doing. We’re planning to watch something festive every day now til Christmas.

After dinner we donned coats and gloves and walked along to the church, about 15 minutes walk away. We detoured to walk past as many houses as possible to look at people’s Christmas lights. It was a gorgeous clear, starry night, crisp and frosty and very Christmassy. The church was already packed when we arrived, half an hour before the service started. There was an adult choir singing and then the service which was a very interesting and challenging one. The readings from the bible were all about men doing dreadful things and women being badly treated. They were all relations of Jesus and included things like prostitution, double crossing and general sinning. It felt very strange to be listening to all that in what had been billed as a family service. All interspersed with carols, songs by the choir and for all to join in with. Finally the vicar spoke, using his apple mac laptop with it’s shining apple logo to read from – an ibible 😆 He started with a fairly conventional Christmas reading and then asked how we’d all felt when the service had strayed from the path we’d been expecting, how we had felt when tales of sin and highlights of humanity’s worst had been put before us. He talked about Richard Dawkins and how challenging religion and faith is right and necessary and how God isn’t really there for the people who go along thinking they are mostly doing alright, but for the people who are not doing at all alright. He then said he would pray and if we felt we could join with him in prayer, in accepting God’s invitation to be saved then we should stand and pray with him. He stood with eyes closed praying aloud while a few people stood straight away. He then asked again for people to stand if they joined with him and only about a quarter of the congregation stood. It was slightly akward with people glancing at each other and clearly not sure what to do. There was a feeling that if you were not there to answer that invitation then what were you there for and I guess that is a pretty good question really… I know we were there for the singing and the pretty lights. Scarlett whispered to me to ask if we were supposed to stand up now and I said only if we wanted to.

On the way home we talked about it all at length, what Christmas means to us, what beliefs we have and whether we should have been there. It was a very interesting service.

Back at Mum and Dad’s the kids got ready for bed while we sat and watched various things on TV and had some pate on toast. It’s even feeling festive here and Mum put their tree up while we were away. I am trying not to feel aggreived that she did it without the kids who I know would have loved to have been involved but it’s all very tasteful and understated which isn’t really what the kids would have pulled off :).

And now it would appear I have sat up too late again….

and twiddly bits either side 🙂

I think I got as far as Saturday :).

Which had trips to supermarkets, into the city centre to drop Beth and Rachael off for their choir performance, an alleged early night for the kids which didn’t happen for all of them as Kirsty and James came over with their two so we kept some of the kids up and continued in our campaign to break Barbara with more late nights. It was great to spend a bit of time getting to know Stella too as I’ve been in the same place at the same time as her on various occassions over the years but never really ended up chatting to her.
Babs and I did soup prep at midnight. 🙂

Sunday morning Stella and Babs went off to church leaving Chris, Ady and I with Davies, Scarlett and Dougie Four Poos. Who was less than happy to be left 🙁 Chris did a fab job of cooking breakfast while Ady, Davies, Scarlett and I manfully watched Cbeebies until we cheered Dougie up with the help of Mr Tumble.

Babs, Stella and I whizzed over to Castleton to stick names on doors, have a look around the hostel, set up the kitchen and put slow cooker soup on. That first meeting with the hostel staff was very indicative of how they were all week; incredibly friendly, helpful and really welcomming.

Back at Babs’ Kirsty & James, and Zoe & Wayne had arrived. Babs had already planned to arrive early at Journey to Bethlehem and on the basis that it always takes kids longer to leave a house than you expect we galvanised everyone to leave with about 20 minutes grace. Guess the kids are better than we thought as we were out within less than 10 minutes 😆

Helen arrived not long after us and then a steady trickle of friends arrived, all with the backdrop of other people coming and going, the ladies with their scarves dancing and a telling of the Christmas story on the screen complete with subtitles. I was very tempted to join in with the dancing and indeed Zoe, Ady and I did. Ady and I danced some more after that, Ady having decided that if this year has taught him anything it is that you should try everything at least once. It was fantastic fun 🙂

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The actual Journey To Bethlehem itself was so good. We were in the group led round by a wise man, taken through Mary being visited by an angel, Mary going to share the news with her cousin, to an innkeeper’s hostelry and then to the market where the kids got to sign the census in Roman, make willow stars, pendants, little oil lamps and taste little samples of various foods. We collected recipes for various things too which we’ll have a go at making at some point, particularly liked the honey kisses. There was a braid making activity too I think but we ran out of time and had done that before elsewhere so were less worried. Looking forward to seeing the group photo that was taken as we didn’t manage to set our camera up for it, felt very sorry for BB, I know Scarlett gets upset about being yelled at by lots of people even when she’s not being yelled at as in trouble, she’d have been floored by that incident too.

Then outside to see the shepherds, before being ushered in to see the baby Jesus. I assumed Joseph was his real daddy (as in that actual baby and the bloke being Jesus) given the relief when he whispered to us ‘he is resting now’ as he slept. We ended lighting candles before going in for refreshments. Ady and I were sought out by one of the dancing ladies again. Ady had been telling them about our adventure this year and she had been very taken with him, saying she’d never had so much fun doing the dancing before. 🙂

The whole experience was excellent, so very festive, the effort and love and preparation that had clearly gone into the whole thing was so apparent. We were hugely impressed, even more so that it was free. Thanks Babs for finding it and organising the whole thing :).

On to the hostel where there was a briefly stressful period of settling in and room allocation before everyone had finally arrived and food had been sorted.

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Monday was Stew Day 🙂 Originally Ady, Davies, Scarlett and I had planned to take some time out together each day for a walk. We often lose track of each other during Christmas camp and a half an hour or so each day is nice to reconnect. It also ensured we all got out for some fresh air and exercise each day given the heat of the hostel, lack of outdoor space and the excess of food and drink we knew we’d consume. In the end we didn’t actually manage it every day as both the kids came down with the camp cold and by Tuesday it was clear that dragging them around in the very cold air was not such a good idea after all. Good intentions though :). On Monday we did manage to have a good hour or so out and took in the town, some of the shops, the little museum / visitor centre (which was excellent and free) as a load of the rest of the group headed off in a different direction for the geocache walk. I don’t do geocaches 😉

Back at the hostel we got stuck into the stew. It was very lovely to spend time with Wayne and Zoe in the kitchen, I can’t quite believe how new to the group and camps they are, it feels like they’ve been part of the gang forever :).

Michelle, Babs and I needed to go off in search of wifi so we could complete the food shopping for the rest of the week, due to arrive the following day. We bravely left the hostel and managed to find somewhere with free wifi. It involved the sacrifice of a round of drinks or three, sat in a pub with a roaring fire but that’s the sort of team players we are :). Alison joined us once she’d arrived and that was a very pleasant part of the week – love you guys 🙂 xxx

Back at the kitchen it was time to make dumplings so a gang of us did that while Marcus (who might well have been being Eduardo then) made mulled wine.
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Then the tossing commenced 🙂 This has become a true camp tradition, with a nod to hygiene and a serious consideration given to cross contamination of beef into veggie monitored by Veggie Grown Ups (this year Bob and Chris :lol:) and participation from LovelyEm, Alison, Scarlett and I, plus any other takers. This year we welcomed Os into the fold as apprentice tosser. He stepped up to the challenge wonderfully 🙂

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We also added a whole new dimension with Rebounding off pan lids. Not one, but two. It’s good exercise, team building, educational (physics) and fun. Dumpling Tossing, everyone should do it 🙂
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It is my assumption that we would have followed stew with a late night of drinking, cake eating, chatting and laughter. The blokes went off for a quick tour of the pubs in the area and some whisky drinking. They had a good time but remain mostly not convinced about whisky I understand 🙂
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Tuesday We attempted a walk and were half thinking of heading back to the car for proper walking boots so we could splosh up the stream on the hill but Davies was shivering so we grabbed the first suitable looking stick for his Cabaret act and he and I headed back to the hostel while Ady and Scarlett continued on a longer walk and met the bloke in the cafe nearby who lived on Canna for a while.

I made Davies some lunch and we had a quick dress rehearsal of his act before heading over to make mince pies for the following day knowing the ovens would be rather busy with Christmas dinner, so getting them sorted the day before was the best option. The food shop arrived and then it was time to start sorting curry. Helen did her usual excellent job of directing and cooking and taking further direction from Mrs Johnson over the phone with regard to rice. Helen, do let your Mum know I cooked rice in the oven last night and it worked again :).

Curry night was good as always :). I then brought forward my usual paddy from Wednesday to Tuesday due to a rather obvious lack of help with the prep of Christmas dinner veg. I spent some time in the kitchen on my own sorting the food delivery out and getting veg into piles ready for peeling and chopping, found pans etc. I was then joined by Helen who had done some curry decanting and sat with me for ages doing more than her share of veg prep. We were also joined by Helen R and Bob and of course Ady. I know individually everyone had good reasons for not getting over there but collectively it was a great shame that dinner for over 50 was mostly prepared by just 5 of us. I also know that others played their parts with other aspects of the catering including tidying up but a couple more pairs of hands would most certainly not have gone amiss.

I recovered myself quickly enough, remembered how much I love everyone there and had a fantastic evening assisting in the Camp Top Trumps creation. We had a lull in the middle where we got rather bored but a quick game to test them had us in stitches and very excited to share them with the rest of the group the following evening :).

It might have been another late night ;).

Wednesday Christmas :). Once we’d recovered some trays from Chris the Tray Thief (trays, beanbags, torches on his mobile phone, he’s not to be trusted with any of them!) we got the Christmas dinner on. The kitchen set up was not ideal from many perspectives but in terms of being away from rampaging children wanting juice it was perfect :). The second little kitchen as an extra area was also fab, particularly on Christmas dinner day as it meant Chris was able to get his veggie option all sorted without worrying about oven space which we were battling to juggle with all the trays of roast potatoes, parsnips and carrots, stuffing etc. I didn’t feel the carrying across of food to the servery was too difficult either and I love having a hot servery to use, it works really well with mass catering. I also think that despite there being the odd issue with lack of help on food prep there was the upside of none of the previous years too many cooks issue when it came to the actual cooking. I’m not sure who was involved in helping Chris with the veggie stuff but Ady, Alison and I did the turkey and rest of the dinner.

We used the same system as last year of having a team of people to lay the table (I know Eve and Poppy were employed in this :)), a team to serve the plates and a team to plate up. As ever the last to sit down does so long after the first to be served has already finished eating but as people swung into action clearing up and tidying (oh and decorating us with party poppers :)) we started singing and were most entertained to notice a small group of people infront of the hostel peering in the window listening to us. We definitely sounded lovely, 50 odd voices of all ages joined together in song, with descant versions of carols all infused with happiness, love and laughter. One of those magical film-style moments 🙂 🙂
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We had some festive line dancing, sadly under enjoyed I feel as many people seemed to have drifted off to do other things, but I had a dance :). Then we gathered for cabaret. This year we had the usual mix of cute, talented, funny, rather impromptu and slightly random. Davies had decided back in about August that he wanted to perform Jake the Peg. At various points he and I would run through the song and then promptly forget all about it for weeks. I half expected him to duck out of actually doing it but he was determined and insisted he wanted to go last. That did mean he and I missed the couple of acts before him as we ducked into the next room to prepare his costume. I was very proud of him, he’s come a long way from a shy little boy. I loved how despite not having any obvious talent or skills he has lessons in such as dancing, singing, instrument playing etc. or practising with friends in advance over the course of the week he was keen to do something on his own which demonstrated for me some of his greatest skills; sense of humour, quiet self confidence, ability to decide to do something and carry it through, Love that boy 🙂

Of course he was then involved in the real last act of the night which was me jumping. I’m still not entirely sure how that made it onto the running order but adhering to Ady’s new mantra of trying anything once I was up for a bit of jumping, ably assisted by Ady who had been cheered on in a previous act as a much wanted volunteer from the audience and of course Davies with his extra leg which was ideal for jumping and Scarlett who is always up for anything slightly crazy :). I have no footage but suspect others might have… 😉

We followed that with secret santa, as usual the standard of giving was very high. I do love that part of camp :). I do think this year I may well have been the winner of best gift top trumps though – Merry had made me the most fabulous fimo scene featuring Ady, Davies, Scarlett and I, along with pigs, chickens, ducks and of course lentils, wine and sausages 🙂 I *adore* it!

After that we had pudding and pies, custard and cream before moving on to music. The camp orchestra improves every year and it’s so lovely listening to everyone playing together. We are not a musical family – I did play recorder at school and dabbled with piano lessons as a child but really I can only join in with singing. I do love joining in with singing though, particularly round the piano with wine glass in hand :). So it was fab to carry on with a good old singsong of carols once the musicians had finished. The conga to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen should definitely become an annual feature of camp I reckon 🙂 I loved the fact the woman behind the desk in reception didn’t even really look up from her computer as we danced around the hall 😆

A riotous evening of Camp Top Trumps and more late nightedness followed. I developed a very sore throat during the course of the evening, it was agony to swallow and I even left half a bottle of cider because it hurt too much to drink it. I suspect it was the beginning of the cold made all the worse from singing for several hours and stretching for those high notes on the descants! Either way I called an early night at erm 130am! 😉

Thursday I slept in after a fairly dreadful nights sleep, despite going to bed I didn’t really sleep very well. Scarlett woke me coming into the room to say the fossils were starting in ten minutes which was something of a shock as that meant it was nearly 11am! I did manage to get dressed and dash down behind them to join in with the session. It was good, well delivered complete with truly dreadful jokes and the right balance of education and entertainment. I suspect most of the kids probably already knew most of what he was telling them, fossils tend to be a home ed subject of choice for many in the fairly early years of learning but it was well worth the couple of quid per head and included a wander outside to find fossils in the stone of the building, followed by some casting of fossils using plasticine and plaster of paris. Helen gave a very cautionary safety talk regarding the plaster of paris 😯

Ady did some car maintenance on our car, changing the spark plugs and a blown headlight bulb. A year ago that would have been utterly beyond him, I am so proud of how much more able all of us are to do things like that now. It is not really a change in ability, more a change in attitude towards being able to do these things. He followed that up by noticing Si had a flat tyre and helping with the rather drawn out task of changing that over.

Meanwhile I nipped out with Babs, Jonathan and Chris to go with the hostel manager to the new YH along the road for a quick look round. A funny moment when he rather enthusiastically tried to tell us there was a badger sett on the grounds. I disagreed which had Babs, Chris and I in fits of giggles in the back seat while Jonathan in the front didn’t hear us and continued to listen to him. A further funny moment when Jonathan proclaimed ‘Victorian nutters!’ in relation to the eclectic architecture which the manager misunderstood and assumed to be the name of a pillar or door or something like a folly! 😆 Back at the hostel I sat alongside Helen for some felting and listened to Jasper EB being utterly gorgeous and delightful telling us about dinosaurs and fossils while Nell was smiley and charming.

I had an email to say the story on us was in the Scotsman that day and spent an incredibly frustrating hour or so trying to get online so I could read it. Between poor phone signal, patchy mifi signal and laptop misbehaving I was reaching the point of losing the will to live when I finally managed to get everything to work together and got the story up. Frustratingly soon afterwards I got an email from google, having got a google alert set up for my own name with a proper link to the story, which would have meant I would have found it straight away rather than the tedious searching for it that took so long. A good story though and I love the comments! 🙂

It was very lovely not to be in the kitchen at all, and I really enjoyed sitting with Ady and various other groups of people that joined us over the course of the afternoon until food was ready. We discovered the leftover christmas puddings which went down rather well with port :).

Last night chatter and laughter, oh so much laughter that night with all the in jokes from this years camp and all of the ease of time together for so many years now meaning this truly has become a family group rather than just friends. Much discussion about how camp will work next year as given our rather uncertain circumstances it will not be something Ady and I will be able to have much involvement in the planning, organisation or execution of although we dearly hope to attend and play our part if we manage to be there. Numbers dwindled until the last four of us; Helen, Kirsty, Wayne and I hit 530am and had the discussion about whether we were better to push on and move to drinking tea or head to bed for a couple of hours sleep. We went for sleep and I had about 3 hours I think before Ady was waking me up again.

Friday leaving day 🙁 The pressure was certainly off without the need to clean the hostel. We still didn’t manage the 10am leaving time and there were still people eating breakfast after that had come and gone but people vacated and I spent a fair bit of time propping a fire exit door open as they carted stuff out persuading them to take gravy or milk with them :). Many hugs and goodbyes.

Babs, Kirsty and us all went back to Babs’ where we had leftover jacket potatoes for lunch and our version of camp debrief. Babs did some tutoring in the afternoon so the kids were all quiet upstairs while Ady, Kirsty and I were very sensible indeed in the lounge (maybe!). Chris came home and James also joined us for a final night of staying up stupidly late with friends. We drank mulled wine, ate lots of chocolate, broke Babs again and Ady, Chris and I stayed up even later testing our trivia knowledge online and just topping up that sleep deficit a tiny bit more.

I think the Christmas Camp is a truly special, wonderful thing that I am very, very proud to have been so instrumental in setting up and being part of. For various practical reasons, along with a feeling of having done my time playing such a big role it is right that I step back from it now. I found it hard doing a bit and not all and given our very uncertain circumstances both financially and geographically next year we won’t be in any sort of position to commit to it for 2012. I really, really hope we are able to attend and participate in whatever next incarnation the camp takes on. Whenever I tell people outside of our group about our Christmas camps I feel so happy to be part of such an amazing group of people who manage to create such a wonderful week every year. We are not Christians and certainly neither Ady or I have many family traditions of Christmas from childhood to call on but gathering with friends to sit around vast tables, raise glasses together, join our voices in carolling and making gifts for each other, so very often with the backdrop of falling snow gives us memories of the last few years to treasure forever. Like every family at Christmas it is easy to get caught up in the details, to let petty niggles escalate out of control and blow up into more than they are. I was almost guilty of that this year and I apologise to the couple of people who knew about my stroppiness and were there with calming glasses of wine and kind words and love. Friends like you are not just for Christmas, and I’m bloody glad to have shared Christmas with you and hope you are all friends for life. xxx

Halloween Camp – Helmsley 2006
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Christmas Camp 2008 Helmsley again
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Christmas Camp 2009 – Truleigh Hill
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Christmas Camp 2010 – Okehampton
Veggie chickpea tossing
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And Christmas Camp 2011 – Castleton
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Yesterday we left Sussex with fairly heavy hearts and grim feelings. Still no more rent paid, stressy feelings from being at my parents, a grey and rainy and windy day and a row between Ady and I over some insignificant part of packing up the car.

Fast forward a few hours and we’d had a nice straightforward journey to Sheffield, £600 of the rent had now been paid (they are still outstanding the rather random amount of £145), the kids were off playing with some of their best friends and we were drinking tea, then wine with Babs, Chris, Kirsty and James. The world looked a much better place 🙂

I talked to a journalist from The Scotsman who had been given my contact details by someone on Rum. He’s written a nice little article about us and has a photo of us to use too if he can get his story printed. I’m viewing the fact they have passed our details on as fairly positive with regard to our prospects of a successful application. Everything I’m reading about Rum online historically and now suggests we should tick all the boxes.

I’m feeling a bit edgy about Glastonbury, I’ve emailed and rung and left a message for Jill over the last couple of weeks but had no reply. I can’t decide whether to hassle her or take a hint which is a bit daunting. In lots of ways going to her is not the perfect next step – we would feel pretty tied at a time when we probably have a great need to be flexible for things like sorting out the house, attending an interview in Rum and generally getting everything sorted out. On the other hand I am really aware it is not sustainable to stay with Mum and Dad for much longer, we certainly couldn’t do a month or more after Christmas. I am reassured that there are at least 5 WWOOF hosts in Sussex that accept families with kids for longer term WWOOF placements and want help in Jan/Feb/March though so not too worried we’ll be homeless if it doesn’t pan out in Glastonbury.

Anyway, once safely installed at FabBabs all was well and better and Babs and I ended up staying up til nearly 5am chatting. There was that usual black hole of time between 1am and 430am where it appears to only be ten minutes since you last looked at the clock. We did have some fascinating conversations fuelled by cherry brandy and chocolates though so consider ourselves enlightened, educated and enhanced… 😉

It did mean that Babs was a bit broken this morning though, well later in the morning really, when she had to be TutorBabs and she has been on the wobbly side today 😆 We did go to Costco and start the Christmas camp shopping by picking up the turkey.

Dad has been round to our house today and spent some time with the tenants (fingers crossed remainder of rent will be forthcoming) and checked the house out a bit. He says it is not too bad and that it looks like all of our chickens are still around. I suspect the tenant who has been the one looking after them now feels some sort of sense of ownership for them and Dad said he alluded to the idea of taking them with him. Not sure how that will pan out, I know Davies and Scarlett would be upset to see them go but have been managing their expectations about them maybe not still being around anyway. It is my hope for at least a couple of them to be the beginnings of our flock on Rum though so maybe we could split them if the tenant is really attached.

Feeling much more festive now we’re in a house ringing with laughter and children playing, Christmassy songs and lots of happiness. So looking forward to seeing friends at the weekend and feeling far more positive and happy about life in general 🙂

The kids and I slept in this morning, I’d not meant to so I woke a bit wrong footed. We’ve been sleeping without a sheet on our bed the last couple of nights which is horrid (have mattress protector but it still feels all lumpy) so I decided to wash our sheet (we can find loads of duvet covers and pillow cases but no sheets, will have to buy a couple) along with the two pairs of pjs I’d found in Scarlett’s bed last night when saying goodnight to her meaning she had no clean ones to bring away with us. So a sneaky wash in Mum’s precious machine and then a plan to use the tumble drier in the garage. It’s a washer dried that belongs to us and is being stored here and I thought I could use the drier bit of it without plumbing but it refused to work and kept showing an error with plumbing message. Bloody clever technology! ;). So hung some of it out on the line and left the rest to deal with when we got home.

I did some emails for Dad for some stuff he is still trying to deal with to do with his friend who died 2 years ago, not being online has really hampered him on this as it’s a bank in America who only seem to have an online presence rather than anywhere easy for him to ring. And we made the first of several calls to Mike at the letting agents.

Our plan for today was a walk on the beach with Julie & the kids to celebrate Tarly’s birthday. We were planning a fire and cooking some bannock bread and bringing along the rest of the birthday cake. Both my two (and me actually) were really looking forward to it so I was a bit pissed off when Julie rang about 15 minutes before we were due to leave to meet them to say actually they were having a woodburner fitted and couldn’t leave so could we go over there instead? I’d forgotten that this is a common Julie trait, changing plans at the last minute, always involving me driving further and her less and fitting in around her without apology. I love her loads and she has been a really good mate looking after D&S while I was working once a fortnight but she can have a ‘whole world revolves around me’ attitude without ever considering the impact on others. I would say it’s an only child trait but I know I’d piss off some friends 😉 Plus it’s actually not something I see in anyone else regardless of siblings or birth order.

So we ended up going over there. Ady was all for just cancelling but I knew D&S would rather see them at their house than not at all, despite being really disappointed about the beach. As it happens we did have a nice few hours with them, enough to forgive the last minute plan changing.

Back at home we dried the washing on the radiators, just whipping the last dry thing off before Mum got home so she need never know 🙂 Mwha ha ha! I had a bath and we packed the car up ready to leave in the morning, very practically packed in two bags, one to take into Babs and one for the hostel. Davies finished his secret santa and I spent a couple of hours making mine.

Ady and the kids played some Xbox which Davies has been asking him for for days so that was good as we’re conscious we’ll barely see them for the next 10 days so it’s been nice to grab some time with them these last couple of days. This time last week when we drove away from the house for a couple of nights I felt so relieved, am looking forward to the same feeling tomorrow.

The rent saga continues, with the one person’s rent now cleared and in our bank account but the other three still not paid. Mike the agent is hassling them (as much as you can) and has given me their mobile numbers and suggested we exercise our right to a landlord inspection. We cannot be intimidating or menacing or harrass them but with 24 hours notice we can go round there to inspect the property, using our own keys to gain entry if they are not there despite being told we’re coming. Dad is going round on Friday, under strict instructions to be nice. I’m hoping the fact we’re sending round a 73 year old man will preclude any accusations of being nasty! I did speak to the guy who has paid and he promised he’ll speak to the others. I also left a message on the voice mail of the other tenant who has not paid. Hopefully between us, Mike and Dad visiting we’ll at least get it across that we won’t just go away if they don’t pay. The other obvious concern is that they don’t evict when they should leave but I guess we cross that bridge if and when we come to it. Argh 🙁

Dad and I have been getting on well the last few days, I think if we avoid certain topics we are fine. I am very focussed on arranging Glastonbury asap really so will try and get that arranged tomorrow for as soon after Christmas as possible.

Fortunately even an excited early morning start around here isn’t until after 8am 🙂 We’re so slack 😉

The morning began as all birthday mornings should with many presents opened in bed. Scarlett had only really asked for Playmobil this year so she had two new sets – a farm and a dolphin trainer, an assortment of second hand bits off ebay dogs, cats, ducks and ducklings, donkeys (better for her really as she is not as bothered about the various figures and accessories that come in kits, all she really wants are the actual animal figures), a heap of books about wildlife and animals and a couple of films. Oh and a tub of twiglets! Davies got the traditional siblings birthday gift of a film but also a fake lego PotC boat that he’d spotted in a charity shop yesterday for £4, which under normal circumstances we’d have just got him as it was such a bargain anyway.

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We moved into the lounge and while the kids spent some time playing with new toys I had a quick bath and then made breakfast of Scarlett’s choice – french toast with cinnamon and dusted with icing sugar.

We all then settled down to watch the film Davies had got – a DVD with a couple of shorts on it in the How to Train your dragon including a festive one. That was much enjoyed, then we headed up to Sainsburys for cake making ingredients.
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We stopped on the way to look at the pet shop and the aquarium shop both of which Tarly adores, so it was a good hour long expedition. Ady noticed we’d been mischarged for some eggs so popped back in to get a refund of the difference and the kids and I sat on a bench outside. I was idly watching a woman with a pushchair thinking she looked like someone I went to school with when she walked over and said ‘Hello Nicola, how are you?’. We had a quick chat, tough to fit over 20 years into five minutes but she was settled back into Sussex after living in Canada for a while, whereas I’m in the throes of leaving Sussex. We wished each other good luck with our dreams and I’ve spent the rest of the day wondering quite where all those years went. Davies and Scarlett were quite fascinated with the idea of meeting someone who knew me when I was not much older than them and we had a really interesting conversation about how Jo and I would have had almost identical lives back then but vastly different experiences since. I said that being a parent was probably the biggest change in my life and we talked about the impact that has on you.

Back at home we made lunch – again at Scarlett’s request. She’d asked for ‘food like we have on Boxing Day’ which translated as twiglets, cheese and crackers and mini cheddars. As we were finishing eating my Granny arrived.

I got Scarlett’s cake in the oven and then helped her set up her Playmobil while it cooked. Ady and Dad mostly chatted to Granny, then Davies and I walked into the nearest village to post the croft application at the post office. On the way we had a really nice chat, the first time the two of us have really been on our own since we’ve been back here. Davies confided that my Mum has been whispering things to him, including twice telling him if he didn’t want to move to Rum he could live with her instead and then trying to persuade him he doesn’t want to live there. He says he doesn’t get upset by her saying things like that and he tells her that he is really happy with all our plans but I explained that it’s not really okay for her to say things like that to him or to suggest that if he didn’t want to go the rest of us would dream of going without him. Not at all sure of her motivation really but frankly it’s odd. We did have a really nice chat about what Davies thinks about life, the universe and everything though and at one point I asked him who he thought he would like to be like when he’s older. He thought for a while and then said ‘you’ 🙂 His reasoning was that he really loves his life and mine is just the same plus he wants to be happy and have adventures and follow dreams and he thinks that is what I do. 🙂 Maybe he just hears me banging on about such things too much but it’s lovely to think he means it :). He did add that maybe he’d be a bit less shouty though 😆

We popped into the charity shop next door to the post office and Davies spotted a lovely little rainbow notepad and pencil with elephants on the front for just 75p which he thought Scarlett would love so he got that for her and gave it to her when we got home. He was right, she does love it 🙂

Granny left soon afterwards, the kids and I iced the cake and more playing with lego and playmobil ensued until Mum came home from work and we all walked across the road to the carvery for dinner. It was actually quite nice food and very reasonable – we only had main course anyway. Another trip to the pet shop for more animal ogling and then home for birthday cake.
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Frazer and Kat joined us for candle blowing and Happy Birthday singing and a slice of cake which was nice.
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Yesterday was a tough day 🙁

For my entire childhood all I really recall was my parents rowing. Their marriage has been a constant round of arguments, tensions, spite and venom. They range from petty squabbles to full on, veering towards violent screaming matches. Dad has a scar on his hand where Mum threw a knife at him once, she insists in the past he has hit her although I never saw any evidence. As a child I used to live in almost constant terror that one of them would one day carry out the threat of leaving the other. Neither ever did. The house would either be full of an ominous silence, broken only by a slammed door or a deep sigh or echo with shouting, swearing, name calling. My Dad spent a lot of time angry, my Mum a large part of her life in tears, neither happy, content or enjoying life.

I have to say I never felt unloved. I was always sure of both my parents caring for me, it’s just that my brother and I came a poor second to scoring points off each other. Unlike lots of kids from crappy homes I never felt it was my fault either, I have no idea whether I can give my parents any actual credit for that as a positive as I suspect it was mostly because I spent so much time listening to them slagging each other off I was fairly convinced it was indeed both their faults rather than anyone elses. Frazer, on the other hand, didn’t escape with such a healthy self image and to this day still carries some feeling of responsibility for them. I realised this only last year when he rang me in tears to come and intervene in one of their more spectacular rows which had included a full pan of pasta and sauce being flung across the kitchen, smashing everything in it’s wake and some full scale physical jostling if not violence.

They have been married for 40 years next month, together for a further 3 or 4 and show no signs of being happy yet. I guess at 64 and 73 they probably never will.

My parents live in a big, fancy house, drive flashy cars, go on expensive holidays, have all the latest electronic gadgets and wardrobes full of expensive clothes. In their world this is what people strive for and anything less is a mark of failure, of laziness, of stupidity.

So what the hell are we doing here? Well I love them. I really do. Despite all my big talk and grand ideas it would actually mean more to me than anything to have one or both of them give me a big hug and tell me they are proud of me, that my achievements mean something to them, that they believe in what I’m doing and the choices I make. That they think I am a worthwhile person, a good mother, a daughter to be proud of. To feel that they know me, understand me, have a grasp of what makes me tick, makes me happy, understand my passions. Time and again over the years I have put me and my life infront of them and I guess I’ve been seeking approval.

As I’ve gotten older I have gotten harder, less needy of them. A huge part of this is my marriage to Ady, as big a contrast to my parents relationship as you could ever imagine. We don’t have rows, or slammed doors, or days of silence. We don’t spend time trying to undermine each other or pick faults or remind of weaknesses. Another huge part is becoming a parent myself. In my own mothering I try and correct the mistakes of the past, give of what I didn’t have and surround my babies with unconditional love, a constant cuddle of security, belief in them and demonstration of my pride, support and cheerleading. In neither my marriage or my parenting do I get it right all the time but I try really hard to put my hands up to my mistakes, apologise and leave no bitter taste behind.

I have always had a far better relationship with Dad than Mum. I am more like him and despite his failings I have always felt he acts out of love first towards me, even if his harsh words and strong judgements are tough to hear. I know he is there for me regardless and he would always catch me if I fell, even if he’d be saying ‘I told you so’ long before I actually reached the ground. My Mum is a different situation altogether and I am not always confident she has my best interests at heart. There is jealousy, competitiveness and a level of bitterness to her that makes her someone I do not comfortably have my back to. Maybe that is unfair but it is how she makes me feel. As such I am better at discounting her slights against me and simply having low expectations of her means she finds it harder to fail me.

Yesterday Dad let rip with one of his tirades about our lives in general. He began with Home Ed, how I have failed the children with my educational approach, not that I even have an educational approach. Their literacy and numeracy is dreadful, it’s all very well knowing about owls and films but that won’t help them in the Real World and I should have sent them to school in the first place. The whole Rum idea is stupid, doomed to failure and what the hell would we want to do that for anyway? I don’t know anything about hard work, I’ve only been playing about this year with WWOOFing, learnt virtually nothing and still don’t know about what this new lifestyle will entail. I am lazy and idle and not capable of hard work, all I ever do is sit about and mess about on my computer.

I can’t really begin to unpick this. Ady sat beside me and listened in silence. I did begin to argue back but started to get teary so stopped as hysterical shrieking back at Dad is what Mum does and I am not up for repeating their patterns. I know it’s not true. I am utterly confident in my choices for the kids, I believe fully in our educational approach, I know it comes not from laziness or ignorance but from years of experience, research, learning and reading, watching my children and knowing about education. It is steeped in well thought out philosophies and choices, it’s not some sort of little hobby I might get bored of and stop bothering with at some point. He has no idea just how hard I have worked for most of my adult life, let alone this year while WWOOFing. He does not understand that the idea of Rum is the culmination of *years* of searching and learning and travelling. And I can’t make him see or understand that, so I shan’t even try.

The good thing about my Dad is, just like me he doesn’t bear a grudge. Within ten minutes of this litany against me and everything I stand for I have him a hug and it’s not been mentioned since. He has no inkling how upset I am and even if I told him he would not alter his views. He is entitled to his opinions and he believes he is utterly and unshakeably right.

Understandably though this left me reeling. I was a cow to Ady for the rest of the day and I am feeling utterly wrung out and exhausted by this whole few weeks. It has been a really testing time, which is doubly hard as we were anticipating, and feeling the need for an easy time. The luxury of beds and baths and electricity, the warmth of family and friends, space to spread out in and recuperate after all that traveling, while working on our business plan and application for the croft.

Anyway. I do not do wallowing, or pessimism or letting these things get to me, so I written it all out and I’ll leave it at that. Ends are in sight and hopefully this will be the roughest bit of the whole thing. Up from here eh?!

Today was more sorting out type stuff. We drove into town and moved some money about. Having realised that we don’t actually have enough cash to cover petrol costs of getting to camp and unable to face the prospect of not coming we had to stoop to the depths of borrowing from the kids bank account until the rent comes in. The tenants have acknowledged the notice being served so should be out on 31st January but have yet to pay this months rent, due last Thursday. We decided a visit to the letting agent was in order so did that. He was delighted to see us and excited about our adventures, talked through what happens with the tenants leaving and promised to carry on chasing the rent. One tenant has paid which leaves next months rent and 3/4 of this months still to pay before they leave. They have 6 weeks deposit held so technically we are not too far adrift even if they pay nothing more but that does not cover any damage to the house or the fact that we could not get that cash ourselves until after their leaving date. Which does not help with paying for Christmas!

We did the rounds of the charity shops for last bits for secret santa gifts and picked up some wrapping paper for Tarly before heading back to Mum & Dads. We had lunch, cobbled together stuff as food gets chucked out here very quickly even if you have earmarked some leftovers as potential lunch the next day 🙁

I then headed back out to take a couple of loads of washing to the laundrette. We have done 2 loads since we got here but there is such a fuss made about it that I can’t face trying any more. Mum does not like anything dirty put in the washing machine (WTF!?) and then there is a huge problem with drying anything, despite her having two airing cupboards which she keeps opening and closing loudly if I have stuff drying in them and huffing about it. There is a tumble drier but it’s never used, not for eco reasons (she couldn’t care less about such things) and not for cost reasons (Dad pays all the bills anyway and they have always had seperate bank accounts) but because she ‘just doesn’t want it used’. There is a washing line but it takes less than half a load of washing and is mostly in shadow and the twice I have used it my stuff has been brought in, still damp (and then gone smelly) because it ‘looked like rain’. We’re not allowed to put things on radiators and there is no space in our room for an airer and I daren’t put one anywhere else. So a tenner I couldn’t afford to get it all done but I view that as an investment in my own sanity quite honestly.

I also called in to the library, to return some books, to print off a hard copy of the croft application to post to Rum and to see the women who work at the beginning of the week as I’ve previously only popped in at the end and it’s a different set of people. Nice to have cuddles and catch up chats with them and have the fruits of all those hours over the laptop in my hand in print :). I then sat with my book watching washing go round for a couple of hours.

I literally walked in the house and put the bags down before Mum dragged me back out to get food for dinner. I did manage to talk to her about my Grand Plan for an excellent Christmas present for Scarlett which I came up with yesterday and despite opposition have won over everyone to get sorted. Feeling very pleased about that, I love the idea of making her very happy indeed 🙂 🙂

I cooked dinner and then Ady and I went out for our regular evening walk – just around the block which is half a mile or so I guess but it gives us some fresh air and works off dinner a little and just feels so much nicer than slumping infront of the TV. It also gives us some space to bitch which is always healthy ;). We came back and had baths and the kids went to bed – Scarlett fell asleep really quickly, she has been super bouncy even by Scarlett standards today and said she wanted to get to sleep quick so it would be tomorrow even quicker :).

Ady and I pressed send on the email version of our application which felt quite monumentous. I know we could possibly have done a more whizzy plan, with graphics and fancy headings and stuff but this was a true reflection of us, with some sappy dreamer bits shoved in and hopefully a solid idea of who we are, what we can do and why we’d be good people to have on the island. If it doesn’t get us through then it’s because it’s not meant to be, not because of any glaring omission on the application. I feel very fatalistic about such things, rather like my approach to education I guess ;).

I don’t think I’ve not seen 1.51am on 6th December for the last nine years so tonight will be no different. I’m going to read the birth story, look at some pictures and then head to bed. I’ve a feeling it will be an early start in the morning :).