Highs and Lows

Yesterday was a tough day 🙁

For my entire childhood all I really recall was my parents rowing. Their marriage has been a constant round of arguments, tensions, spite and venom. They range from petty squabbles to full on, veering towards violent screaming matches. Dad has a scar on his hand where Mum threw a knife at him once, she insists in the past he has hit her although I never saw any evidence. As a child I used to live in almost constant terror that one of them would one day carry out the threat of leaving the other. Neither ever did. The house would either be full of an ominous silence, broken only by a slammed door or a deep sigh or echo with shouting, swearing, name calling. My Dad spent a lot of time angry, my Mum a large part of her life in tears, neither happy, content or enjoying life.

I have to say I never felt unloved. I was always sure of both my parents caring for me, it’s just that my brother and I came a poor second to scoring points off each other. Unlike lots of kids from crappy homes I never felt it was my fault either, I have no idea whether I can give my parents any actual credit for that as a positive as I suspect it was mostly because I spent so much time listening to them slagging each other off I was fairly convinced it was indeed both their faults rather than anyone elses. Frazer, on the other hand, didn’t escape with such a healthy self image and to this day still carries some feeling of responsibility for them. I realised this only last year when he rang me in tears to come and intervene in one of their more spectacular rows which had included a full pan of pasta and sauce being flung across the kitchen, smashing everything in it’s wake and some full scale physical jostling if not violence.

They have been married for 40 years next month, together for a further 3 or 4 and show no signs of being happy yet. I guess at 64 and 73 they probably never will.

My parents live in a big, fancy house, drive flashy cars, go on expensive holidays, have all the latest electronic gadgets and wardrobes full of expensive clothes. In their world this is what people strive for and anything less is a mark of failure, of laziness, of stupidity.

So what the hell are we doing here? Well I love them. I really do. Despite all my big talk and grand ideas it would actually mean more to me than anything to have one or both of them give me a big hug and tell me they are proud of me, that my achievements mean something to them, that they believe in what I’m doing and the choices I make. That they think I am a worthwhile person, a good mother, a daughter to be proud of. To feel that they know me, understand me, have a grasp of what makes me tick, makes me happy, understand my passions. Time and again over the years I have put me and my life infront of them and I guess I’ve been seeking approval.

As I’ve gotten older I have gotten harder, less needy of them. A huge part of this is my marriage to Ady, as big a contrast to my parents relationship as you could ever imagine. We don’t have rows, or slammed doors, or days of silence. We don’t spend time trying to undermine each other or pick faults or remind of weaknesses. Another huge part is becoming a parent myself. In my own mothering I try and correct the mistakes of the past, give of what I didn’t have and surround my babies with unconditional love, a constant cuddle of security, belief in them and demonstration of my pride, support and cheerleading. In neither my marriage or my parenting do I get it right all the time but I try really hard to put my hands up to my mistakes, apologise and leave no bitter taste behind.

I have always had a far better relationship with Dad than Mum. I am more like him and despite his failings I have always felt he acts out of love first towards me, even if his harsh words and strong judgements are tough to hear. I know he is there for me regardless and he would always catch me if I fell, even if he’d be saying ‘I told you so’ long before I actually reached the ground. My Mum is a different situation altogether and I am not always confident she has my best interests at heart. There is jealousy, competitiveness and a level of bitterness to her that makes her someone I do not comfortably have my back to. Maybe that is unfair but it is how she makes me feel. As such I am better at discounting her slights against me and simply having low expectations of her means she finds it harder to fail me.

Yesterday Dad let rip with one of his tirades about our lives in general. He began with Home Ed, how I have failed the children with my educational approach, not that I even have an educational approach. Their literacy and numeracy is dreadful, it’s all very well knowing about owls and films but that won’t help them in the Real World and I should have sent them to school in the first place. The whole Rum idea is stupid, doomed to failure and what the hell would we want to do that for anyway? I don’t know anything about hard work, I’ve only been playing about this year with WWOOFing, learnt virtually nothing and still don’t know about what this new lifestyle will entail. I am lazy and idle and not capable of hard work, all I ever do is sit about and mess about on my computer.

I can’t really begin to unpick this. Ady sat beside me and listened in silence. I did begin to argue back but started to get teary so stopped as hysterical shrieking back at Dad is what Mum does and I am not up for repeating their patterns. I know it’s not true. I am utterly confident in my choices for the kids, I believe fully in our educational approach, I know it comes not from laziness or ignorance but from years of experience, research, learning and reading, watching my children and knowing about education. It is steeped in well thought out philosophies and choices, it’s not some sort of little hobby I might get bored of and stop bothering with at some point. He has no idea just how hard I have worked for most of my adult life, let alone this year while WWOOFing. He does not understand that the idea of Rum is the culmination of *years* of searching and learning and travelling. And I can’t make him see or understand that, so I shan’t even try.

The good thing about my Dad is, just like me he doesn’t bear a grudge. Within ten minutes of this litany against me and everything I stand for I have him a hug and it’s not been mentioned since. He has no inkling how upset I am and even if I told him he would not alter his views. He is entitled to his opinions and he believes he is utterly and unshakeably right.

Understandably though this left me reeling. I was a cow to Ady for the rest of the day and I am feeling utterly wrung out and exhausted by this whole few weeks. It has been a really testing time, which is doubly hard as we were anticipating, and feeling the need for an easy time. The luxury of beds and baths and electricity, the warmth of family and friends, space to spread out in and recuperate after all that traveling, while working on our business plan and application for the croft.

Anyway. I do not do wallowing, or pessimism or letting these things get to me, so I written it all out and I’ll leave it at that. Ends are in sight and hopefully this will be the roughest bit of the whole thing. Up from here eh?!

Today was more sorting out type stuff. We drove into town and moved some money about. Having realised that we don’t actually have enough cash to cover petrol costs of getting to camp and unable to face the prospect of not coming we had to stoop to the depths of borrowing from the kids bank account until the rent comes in. The tenants have acknowledged the notice being served so should be out on 31st January but have yet to pay this months rent, due last Thursday. We decided a visit to the letting agent was in order so did that. He was delighted to see us and excited about our adventures, talked through what happens with the tenants leaving and promised to carry on chasing the rent. One tenant has paid which leaves next months rent and 3/4 of this months still to pay before they leave. They have 6 weeks deposit held so technically we are not too far adrift even if they pay nothing more but that does not cover any damage to the house or the fact that we could not get that cash ourselves until after their leaving date. Which does not help with paying for Christmas!

We did the rounds of the charity shops for last bits for secret santa gifts and picked up some wrapping paper for Tarly before heading back to Mum & Dads. We had lunch, cobbled together stuff as food gets chucked out here very quickly even if you have earmarked some leftovers as potential lunch the next day 🙁

I then headed back out to take a couple of loads of washing to the laundrette. We have done 2 loads since we got here but there is such a fuss made about it that I can’t face trying any more. Mum does not like anything dirty put in the washing machine (WTF!?) and then there is a huge problem with drying anything, despite her having two airing cupboards which she keeps opening and closing loudly if I have stuff drying in them and huffing about it. There is a tumble drier but it’s never used, not for eco reasons (she couldn’t care less about such things) and not for cost reasons (Dad pays all the bills anyway and they have always had seperate bank accounts) but because she ‘just doesn’t want it used’. There is a washing line but it takes less than half a load of washing and is mostly in shadow and the twice I have used it my stuff has been brought in, still damp (and then gone smelly) because it ‘looked like rain’. We’re not allowed to put things on radiators and there is no space in our room for an airer and I daren’t put one anywhere else. So a tenner I couldn’t afford to get it all done but I view that as an investment in my own sanity quite honestly.

I also called in to the library, to return some books, to print off a hard copy of the croft application to post to Rum and to see the women who work at the beginning of the week as I’ve previously only popped in at the end and it’s a different set of people. Nice to have cuddles and catch up chats with them and have the fruits of all those hours over the laptop in my hand in print :). I then sat with my book watching washing go round for a couple of hours.

I literally walked in the house and put the bags down before Mum dragged me back out to get food for dinner. I did manage to talk to her about my Grand Plan for an excellent Christmas present for Scarlett which I came up with yesterday and despite opposition have won over everyone to get sorted. Feeling very pleased about that, I love the idea of making her very happy indeed 🙂 🙂

I cooked dinner and then Ady and I went out for our regular evening walk – just around the block which is half a mile or so I guess but it gives us some fresh air and works off dinner a little and just feels so much nicer than slumping infront of the TV. It also gives us some space to bitch which is always healthy ;). We came back and had baths and the kids went to bed – Scarlett fell asleep really quickly, she has been super bouncy even by Scarlett standards today and said she wanted to get to sleep quick so it would be tomorrow even quicker :).

Ady and I pressed send on the email version of our application which felt quite monumentous. I know we could possibly have done a more whizzy plan, with graphics and fancy headings and stuff but this was a true reflection of us, with some sappy dreamer bits shoved in and hopefully a solid idea of who we are, what we can do and why we’d be good people to have on the island. If it doesn’t get us through then it’s because it’s not meant to be, not because of any glaring omission on the application. I feel very fatalistic about such things, rather like my approach to education I guess ;).

I don’t think I’ve not seen 1.51am on 6th December for the last nine years so tonight will be no different. I’m going to read the birth story, look at some pictures and then head to bed. I’ve a feeling it will be an early start in the morning :).