I have been low-level questionning the whole HE thing on and off for a couple of months. Not in any decision changing manner particularly; just in a ‘where would a different path lead us’ type way.
I know that we could spend our lives wondering what if, and that it is not a particularly effective or sensible thing to do, I also know it is human nature to do so, especially when you feel at a bit of a crossroads.
So, this seems to have come to a head today with me perhaps not threatening but certainly suggesting school to Davies. He is a child of many inequities (they probably all are really though!) and I do wonder in what ways I am holding him back by controlling every aspect of his life with HE. All of his friends have been handpicked by me really, they are either friends of my friends, or children who we have come into contact with via HE or other contrived methods. That’s not to say school friends are not equally contrived or manufactured (if I’m going down that route I guess all relationships are a case of right time, right place) but at least he would be put ‘out there’ in an environment where his friends were chosen by him, or he was chosen by them with little or no adult intervention.
Yesterday at the soft play place he was totally unwilling to get involved in any of the games the other children were playing – totally unlike either me or Ady who feel at ease launching into a room full of strangers, annoucing ourselves as ‘here’ and setting about talking to people. I do struggle a bit with this aspect of his personality – partly worry that I am simply perpertuating it by allowing him to avoid such situations, all the while wondering whether it is a necessary skill in a 4 year old anyway??? Scarlett can be similarly clingy when faced with a large group of children and I worry that their reliance on me or each other to provide moral support means they will simply be without confidence to manage in the situations in life where they will need to stand up, be counted and talk to strangers.
Next I am having something of a behaviour issue with him at the moment when he mixes with Jack and Maisie. When we are with other same age children he conducts himself very well – he plays with them in mature and age appropriate games, deals well with all the social skills you could possibly expect from a child of his age and I am quite used to accepting compliments about him, his behaviour and his maturity. Put him in the room with three two year olds (J&M and Scarlett) and he regresses to their level. Today he has just been plain silly round there, tearing around screaming, acting like he was one of them, generally copying whatever behaviour they are demonstrating and getting frowned at, nagged and told off in the process. 🙁
On top of that we have gone back to basics again with letters and writing and yesterday we ‘learnt’ letter a as part of our incentive chart (yep, should have Karen – they had them in our local branch last time I looked, displayed with all the JP stuff and flash cards etc) and today we did b. So that is writing it down, learning it’s name and the sound it makes. Did both perfectly until I asked him to recap them tonight and he quite simply could not do it. He took a couple of wild guesses at what they were, got really stupid with me and we both ended up in tears.
I blogged only the other day about how happy I am to be home with the kids, but I have to admit that this is a bit conditional. All the while I can see that it is benefitting them I love being here. The instant I start to feel that not only am I possibly holding them back in social ways I might also be kidding myself about my ability to teach them anything (and yes I know I am over-reacting to him not being able to recognise the letter a! But I am also basing this on my reaction to it which is to shout, cry and threaten school – all of which possibly points to me not quite being cut out for this malarky!) I also start to resent being here, giving up my chance of a career, giving up my child free time and the second income. My mum once accused me of HEing in a selfish way ‘what are you getting out of it?’ was her question, the implication being ‘quite a lot I imagine!’ and she is right to a degree. I want to feel I am doing the best for my children, I enjoy the idea that I am the very best person to help them on their learning journey and route to adulthood and independance, I want to feel that the sacrifices I am making will mean something to them one day and I can look back and feel proud of this choice – so although it is very much for them I am also looking to gain out of it too.
When this is all thrown into doubt and by no means certain, when I listen to several friends telling me I must be mad/brave/so sure about what I am doing and see them dropping their children off each morning and collecting them again after a day apart (during which they have worked / shopped / enjoyed one to one time with their younger children / eaten their lunch in peace) and they collect their child knowing that their education is being taken care of by someone else, when I get a response from almost everyone I voice doubts to of ‘well send ’em to school then’ it all contrived to make me question what I am doing too.
I’m quite sure all of us have these crises of confidence, and I, for one, have certain ‘statements of faith’ I can use in these situations, such as I believe the home is the right environment for young children, which continues to be true even if I’ve shouted all day and I’m convinced no learning has gone on. We’re in the middle of writing down an Ed Phil too, which may be helpful for me to look at on doubting days. One of my home-ed books lists in the first chapter lots of the reasons for doing it which I know in my heart are true, and I look at that to reassure myself too.
From what you write it sounds as if Davies is not being held back by you in social situations, but is simply not ready for some of them, as many children are not at 4 (and older) and imo the very best thing you can do is allow him to be himself in situations he feels comfortable in, and use your knowledge of him to extend himself gently and in a controlled manner. I know I am very protective towards my children, in social situations and other ways, and I make no defence of that; on the contrary, I think it is an important part of being their mother.
‘… dropping their children off each morning and collecting them again after a day apart (during which they have worked / shopped / enjoyed one to one time with their younger children / eaten their lunch in peace) and they collect their child knowing that their education is being taken care of by someone else…’
Surely just hoping 😉
And sort your date out, we are not in America y’know.
Thanks Jan, exactly what I needed to hear right now 🙂 V. much appreciated.
Chris, yeah, I know. But sometimes it’s easier to take that option of simply shedding the responsibility and letting someone else take over. Not for one minute thinking it would be the route I would really ever go down, but on a dark day it can seem attractive. HE forces us to shoulder even more of the parental responsibility, guilt and (I guess we can hope) credit and normally I would have it no other way, but today it would just seem the easier option to be packing him off to school tomorrow…
Oh, and the date – I’ve had a quick look at how to change it’s format and it looks altogether too hard and something I’d need to ask Jax to help me with 🙂
Nic, even *I* changed the date format on mine without any assistence. But that’s because I couldn’t possibly live with a back-to-front date, never knowing which month it was.
As for the rest, I think parenting is so undervalued, that societally we are encouraged to believe that kids need to be “socialised” from birth, that its wrong and misguided at best, deviant at worst, for children not to separate as soon as they are weaned, (preferably earlier, so long as we convince women to get expressing, as we can cope with breast MILK being best, but shame about the delivery mechanism). A mother (or father) who wants their children with them are assumed to be serving some need of their own (but actually, is that not a normal parental need anyway?). The PTB would have us believe that children belong to the state, rather than being key parts of a family unit, and it makes me so mad that there we are made to feel uneasy if our 4 or 5 or 6 year olds need to be protected from situations where they have little experience. As for the rest, I’ve honestly been through all those same anxieties, and still am. We’re in a good, stable phase just now, but there have been times when school has seemed attractive, or I’ve been disabled by terrible doubts. I don’t think its unusual to have them, and tbh, I think the fact that we are doing something different from the norm is what enables us to keep asking “is this the right thing for my child, right now?” I’m not sure that many of my firends who send their kids to school ask themselves that. I don’t mean they don’t love them, or they aren’t concerned, not at all, but I DO mean that they don’t seem to have the same gut wrenching angst about “is school best? should I give up my job, and home educate them?” As for the working bit – well, I manage (just) to have both. It’s very hard, but its possible. it does mean some paid childcare, but it’s kept to a minimum. So there are options. Don’t let the turkeys get you down 🙂
I was just thinking about what my statement of faith might be. It will be no suprise to Merry that it is “trust the process” 🙂
everyone’s said everything I would have, and probably more eloquently too 😉 But I can empathise with the feeling … then the snobbish part of me takes over and I realise that I’m exceedingly glad that I’m able to have some control over who my kids are friends with, never mind the educational stuff!
Nic if you didn’t think about whether sending your children to school every now and then, in the sense that you are questioning if it is right for them right now (or you for that matter) you wouldn’t be doing your job as a mother. One of the main reasons I believe home education is better for Little chick is so that I can choose the people who she will socialise with, which will, in time help her to gain the experience and ability to choose her own ‘close’ friends – the ones she will tell everything to – as and when she is ready or able to do so. I know you know this but just to remind you (as we are all apt to do being outspoken home educators!) when the little angels come out of school having been educated by people who don’t necessarily care whether they get educated or not – they are usually at their worse, tired, lethargic, argumentative, uncooperative and are not necessarily good company! You are doing a great job and as Joyce says if a career is something you want I know damn well that you can make it happen for yourself as well having the children at home.