A quandry…

Three years ago I was pregnant with my second child, my son was just over 18 months old and very clingy, I was offered a part time job and knew life was about to change again as a result of all of the above.

The solution seemed obvious – take the job, send Davies to nursery a couple of days a week to gain some independance from me, prepare him for being with other children so his sibling wouldn’t be a shock, ensure that while on maternity leave I would have a couple of days a week quality time with the new baby when she arrived and finally start that long preparation for school.

We spoke to every nursery in the phone book, asked friends for recommendations, went to visit at least three and chose what we saw as the ‘right’ one. It happened to be the most expensive too although that was not really part of our decision making process, it had friendly staff, was run by two sisters who genuinely seemed to love the children, the atmosphere was happy, the food all home cooked and the children seemed stimulated, well cared for and happy.

Davies hated it. For nine whole months I dropped him off every Thursday and Friday morning singing ‘this is the way we go to nursery, go to nursery, go to nursery, this is the way we go to nursery all on a Thursday / Friday morning’. As we pulled up outside his little face would crumple, as I took him out of his car seat his lip would tremble, as I rang the doorbell he would begin to whimper and as the lady answered the door and took him from my arms saying ‘come to Shelley’ he would start to wail and try to claw his way back to me. Over the months he began to talk and would cry out’ no mummy, no don’t leave me’. Over the months my stomach grew bigger and bigger to match the size of the lump in my throat. I would then drive to work choking back tears, with the radio turned up as loud as it went to try and drown out the echo of his voice ringing in my head. (I’m crying as I type this).

Everyone – the women at the nursery, my boss, my friends with children, my parents, Ady, EVERYONE, assured me I was doing the right thing, he would get over it, he needed to learn, it was all for show. I was making it worse by showing him I was upset. I tried really hard to believe all this and to not whisper how sorry I was for taking him there into his hair every time I collected him. I blamed myself – both for sending him there in the first place and for not managing to deal with it when I did it.

I would ring as soon as I arrived at work and he would still be crying. I would ring an hour later and he would be asleep, I would ring at lunchtime and he would be sitting quietly not eating. I would pay for him to be there for a 10 hour day and leave it as late as possible to take him in the mornings and return as early as possible to collect him – he was rarely there for more than 6 hours.

When I arrived he would sometimes be playing – but always alone and in a quiet resigned manner. The instant he saw me he would fly across the room into my arms and hold me as if he would never let go. Other parents would arrive to collect their children and be told ‘oh not yet Mummy, I’m still playing’, my son would have to be carried, limpet style to the car – wouldn’t even be put down to get his shoes and coat on. On Thursday evenings I would dread doing it all again the next day, on Friday evenings I would be filled with relief that it was over for another week, by about Tuesday I would be dreading Thursday again.

Davies changed. He had always been close to me, now he was positively attached at the hip. If we went to toddler groups he would not let me out of his sight, I took him to the toilet with me, if I stood up to get a cup of tea he knew and would be back at my side. His confidence was in tatters, his trust in me was shaky but his need for me was greater than ever. I was in despair.

Scarlett was born in the early hours of a Friday morning. Ady took Davies for his Friday session while I slept. On the following Thursday he dropped him off at nursery at 9.30am and popped into work while I sat home with a sleeping one week old baby. By 10am I had rung to be told Davies was asking for his mummy. I loaded Scarlett into the car, grabbed my son from the nursery and sent Ady back in with a letter later that day to say he wouldn’t be coming back.

That experience was the basis for my finding out about HE. It was not the decider and TBH I think reacting at the time I did (although I still hate the fact I put him and I through it for as long as I did) was his saviour. Over a long time the damage was repaired. He is now confident, able to make friends and is not so bothered about being able to see me all the time. The child I thought would still be attached to my side at 18 is suddenly quite the independant little boy who is even able to say ‘I don’t need you Mummy’ at times. It’s come good. It’s OK.

Becasue of that nursery or pre-school was never an option – if I suggested it even now he starts to pale and quake. And for that reason I have never even thought about it for Scarlett. Until now…

I am aware that the preschool / nursery type thing is run in the church hall literally round the corner from us. It’s on every morning for a couple of hours and children can start from 2.5 years if potty trained. I know this as during one of my mad ‘right everyone is going to school and I’m going back to work’ rants I looked into it (I do like to torture myself by having all relevant information handy!). If pushed my reasons for not sending her have always been:
1. It’s largely irrelevant as pre school is just that ‘pre-school’ and if you are not going to go to school then why would you need the pre bit
2. If you think about what you get out of it in terms of early years stuff, socialising with other kids, independance and so on none of this is necessary to send her out to do as she is getting it all at home, being at HE groups, playing with Davies, mixing with our other friends and generally being part of our family.
3. Whilst it would be quite nice for me to have a bit of a ‘rest’ from having two children all the time I would still have one and I think she adds more to the mix by being here than she would be being absent. I can’t really justify the whole thing on the grounds of convenient childcare anyway.
4. The dynamic of the family would be disrupted – after what I wrote yesterday about the childrens’ relationship they are back to ‘normal’ today. I want to keep them close for as long as I can. I don’t want her to feel she is being pushed out in favour of me spending time with Davies. I don’t want Davies to feel either smug that Scarlett is being sent out or feel jealous that she is getting to go somewhere he isn’t.
5. Scarlett’s own personality. She is being given the chance to basically shake her self into what she is by being at home with us. She obviously has to fit in with the family ‘rules’ and is learning what behaviour is and isn’t acceptable here but she is quite a strong character and I’m not at all sure she would fit in easily at a nursery. I would shudder to imagine her as a possible bully but in the same way I celebrate her personality and ‘don’t mess with me’ attitude. Here at home she gets her corners rubbed off lovingly by Davies and me, she has her tantrums, goes to her room, calms down and comes out to cuddle you and say sorry voluntarily. I tell her that I love her and it’s ok to be angry or sad but that behaviour is not acceptable and will not be tolerated here. How would she be dealt with in a room full of 2 and 3 year olds all having similar ‘moments’ of their own?
6. Our own routine – would be cocked up by having to have one child in a certain place at a certain time – even just round the corner. I’m not saying we are incapable of getting out the house in the morning but it would restrict what we do each week getting out and about and meeting people.

All of these seem quite selfish and possibly more about ‘the family’ than the individual child but as I can’t really ask my two year old if she wants to go somewhere she does not know exists as either a place or a concept I sort of have to make this decision for her really 🙂

I think I have probably answered my own quandry by blogging it – which is what I hoped would happen 🙂 I can totally understand why nursery is the right move for many families – if you have more children, with even more spaced out ages and different needs then I am sure it is invaluable to ensure all the children get what they need be it time alone with a parent, time alone without the siblings at nursery or particular resources there that are not feasible to have at home. Older children can focus on education without younger siblings getting ‘in the way’. If you have a bigger age gap than my two then perhaps their needs cannot be as easily met side by side, if you have one child then perhaps getting that group dynamic is easily achieved by nursery, if you work and need that time without children, if the children ‘want’ to go anyway. Maybe I’ll think again in a years time..