Oh my blogging is woefully boring at the moment. It feels bleak when I moan about the weather or tell tales about crazy Rum folk and that is not a true reflection of life or how we are feeling. It feels smug when I post pretty pictures or gloat about lack of traffic as it is far from all idyllic either. It is, as everywhere is, a balance, a life with some level of compromise, some tough bits and some amazing bits. I find it hard just now as everything has to be slowed down. I am far better at deciding what needs doing, getting on and doing it, then sitting down for a cup of tea (or glass of wine) and feeling great about having done it. Not so good at considering, researching, waiting patiently and frankly dreadful at waiting for other people or outside of my hands stuff to happen which is where we are at just now. We need to sell our house – it should be either on the market, assuming tenants are happy to have it marketed while they are still in it, or the tenants should have their 2 months notice by the end of this week. That becomes a waiting game them to see what happens. I need to give the CCCS our annual update but have no idea of finances to quote at them – how can I explain our lack of electric and gas bills, running costs for a car yet explain jerry cans of fuel coming across with freight charges. Until I start at the school job – waiting for CRB check paperwork – I have no idea of the full implcations of that on our finances either. Oh to have the house sold, debts all cleared and be starting afresh at last.
We’re in limbo as a family too – Ady is struggling lots with life in the static, I guess we all are but he is most vocal. It’s hard to visualise an actual house after such a long time and we still have so many unknowns about how a house will work anyway. The kids love it here, really love it, but are getting kabin fever from too much time indoors and no family or friends visiting since October. In a house this trade off would be fine as they;d have space to spread out and play, create and find alternative winter activities indoors, here they have such limited space and belongings and just can’t go outside and get wet regardless as we have no space to strip off wet clothes and get warm and dry. It’s all short term – we know we won’t be still in these conditions by next winter, we’re just not sure yet how we’ll be managing to do anything else.
I’m not going to pretend it wouldn’t be hard in some way even if we did have a house but I reckon the tough bits would be a hell of a lot less tough. Hard decisions will have to be made if our house doesn’t sell fairly quickly or if in starting to work our proper costs we realise we won’t have enough to build here because Davies and Scarlett’s childhoods are too brief and too precious to have spent more than one year in a campervan and one year in a caravan regardless of how amazing the views outside the windows might be. I never intended raising my children in a serious of temporary accommodation and I’m determined that a proper home that doesn’t not flex in the wind and let the rain in, has a bath and a washing machine will be a certainty by the end of 2013. I hope with all my heart that it is on Rum and all four of us really want it to be but Rum is not quite enough to keep us here if it isn’t. I have a lot of fight, energy and passion to expend on the right cause but until the kids are older they will always be my chief focus and I don’t want to turn around in five years having achieved all sorts of other things but having realised that my children quietly grew up in a caravan on top of a windy hill while I was busy concentrating on something else.
I’m just going to give you a big hug. We (C and I!) worry about all these things for you too! Can only hope the house sells quickly and you can get on with things – if it were just down to *you* I know you could make it work, but the variables are too unknown 🙁
Comment by Alison — 05 February 2013 @ 8:59 am
Yes, living with all the out-of-your-personal-control variables must be really hard. I’m glad you are clear about what the deal breaker is for you all though – I imagine without that it would be possible to let things drift. Xxx
Comment by Joyce — 05 February 2013 @ 9:46 am
I think you’re amazing, Nic – a really adaptable and determined person – and if there’s a way for you all to make it work then I’m sure you’ll find it. But, yes, life is always a mixed bag and we all have elements that are out of our control. I’m heartily sick of the compromise we’ve had to make to enable P to head off to college and do A levels next year – but we don’t control access to those courses. So, we’ve had to play the game a bit and help her get GCSEs. The world, its demands and expectations, is always there and it’s just about managing that as best we can, I suppose.
Comment by Allie — 05 February 2013 @ 10:04 am