Ady was home with Davies and Scarlett in the morning. Ady did some gardening, Scarlett played with the chickens and Davies was spirograph-ing apparently. My Mum arrived at lunchtime and when I came home all was peaceful and happy.
My day was rather less smooth 🙁 . I arrived at work to hear the news that one of my colleagues had gone missing from home on Monday. She is the one I have mentioned as new and slightly frustrating to work with due to being slow to grasp stuff. She was last at work on Saturday and had gone missing from home on Monday leaving her phone, keys and various notes behind. Another colleague recalled her spending some time on the internet at work on Saturday so history had been called up from that pc and passed to the police (it turned out to be research on local cliff walks).
At 930am when the library opened her mother rang to say that she had been found dead yesterday, over in Eastbourne, having killed herself.
So a very strange day at work with all the library management for the area spending time at Lancing and an odd feeling between the staff. We have learnt that she suffered from depression and mental health issues, had been very badly bullied in her teens and had enjoyed working with us at the library. Her mother said she had seemed much brighter the last few days before she died, which apparently is fairly characteristic of a planned suicide when relief and perhaps even euphoria kicks in as the nearness of a planned death draws closer. We all, of course, feel bad that we were not as kind, or tolerant, or patient as we might have been if we’d only known that she was depressed, or struggling, or feeling worthless. Those feelings of guilt we who have only been in her life for such a brief period are feeling can’t be anything in comparison to those her family are struggling with right now.
The last time I worked with her was Friday last week. She was wearing a beautiful necklace that I had complimented her on and when Scarlett and Davies came in with Ali to meet me I drew Scarlett’s attention to it too. 24 hours later she was researching her death-plan.
I have no idea whether there was any trigger for her and having only known her for such a brief time I have no idea if we only ever knew her at a low point. I can’t imagine what her poor parents must be going through right now, how tortured and desperate she must have been feeling herself.
I’ve never known anyone who has even attempted suicide before although I have several friends who have been touched by it. I think it’s a human condition to selfishly relate all things back to oneself and whilst I doubt I had any impact at all on such a troubled soul I know she will ever after be someone I remember. I hope she has somehow found peace in death that she so tragically never seemed to find in life.
hugs. A very close friend of our family killed herself when I was 18, I’ve never forgotten it even though the rest of the family has.
hugs, and for what it’s worth, you almost certainly know one or two who have attempted it, thankfully some of us don’t succeed.
hugs – really horrible to have that happen to someone you know.
Have more hugs. Horrid for all concerned. My friend’s Dad and then her brother 20 years later hanged themselves. Another friend’s dad blew his brains out, was found by her uncle who is now also struggling with depression (bi-polar. it can run in families on male side I have been informed). I have never known anyone directly but have insensitively been known to complain about people who commit suicide by jumping in front of a train. They always seemed to choose to do it at rush hour.
She at least is no longer suffering from her demons – it’s the ones left behind who have to cope with the fall-out.