Hmmm, well at various points today I could have blogged (well yes I did anyway but that was about pictures and verse, not about the day we were having!) and you would have been given a wide variety of peeps into our world.
In the main its been a crap one 🙁 But I kind of knew it would be as that was the mood of me and therefore the mood the rest of the world had to fall in line with too. Yesterday was a pretty crap day really with me and Ady not talking to each other which is a very rare and very odd way for us to be. Finally in the evening, just as we were serving up dinner he came out of the blue with ‘Nic, do you think our marriage is alright?’ which totally floored me. I know I can be a miserable ranty shouty bitch at times but in the main I always thought I jollied myself out of it pretty well and was a fun Nic to be around – guess not. I think you guys are getting the best and the worst of me right now.
Ady is doing really well at his job at the moment, which is fab. I am pleased for him and being very supportive of him, but a part of me is jealous as hell 🙁 I told him this and what makes it even harder is that he actually gets very little pleasure out of being good at it. I sit there glowing green when he tells me about his day off in his car, answerable to no-one, popping into B&Qs for a nice old chat with the staff, taking his photos, reporting back, stopping off for lunch and a wander round the various towns he goes to, listening to whatever he wants on the radio and going into the office once a week to be told how well he is doing and how pleased they are with him. Yes, of course there are crap downsides to it, but all the bits about my own life I get frustrated about (not getting any head space, having constant children round me when I go to get dressed, to the loo, to make a drink, to hang the washing out) he is living out day in day out.
What makes it slightly harder is that from day one we always said that I would chase the career and he would be the one to give up work to stay home with the children. When it came to it however, he was the one with the bigger income and better career so it didn’t happen that way. We have talked a bit recently about how different we think the children would have turned out if we had lived that way – we agree they would probably be quite different people 🙂 So the life I am living at the moment, although by no means awful was always the life I imagined never having to live. The catch 22 is that there is no way I could handle someone else being here instead of me now with the children, not even Ady. I think I do need to let go a bit and grab back a bit of being me though, I am getting too wrapped up in the worlds and minds of infants 🙂
Anyway, back to Ady, we sorted it all out and had a long chat. I think I need to spend a bit less time ‘plugged in’ and a bit more time of an evening being his wife really – I don’t imagine he will be as interested in the minutae of my day as I like to pretend you lot are (it somehow has less relevance to him whether we did a project on the senses than it does to you) but we do need to grab at who we are as a couple before we get completely lost in being Mummy and Daddy. So it’s all fine and it’s good we had the chat, but it leaves a bit of a bitter taste that we even came near to having to have such a chat iykwim?
So today I have been in a mopey frame of mind, I spent too long this morning trying to get pics on here (which I think I have finally achieved at the right size and everything although its a bit of a kerfuffle and I may be a bit more selective with how many and how often!) while the kids did a pretty good job of entertaining themselves. We walked round the shop to get bread for lunch and Mel arrived with L and L. After Thursday’s rant I am ashamed to say that it was Davies who spent the whole afternoon rampaging through the house 🙁 L & L played happily with the toys and were pretty tidy in comparison, Tarly sort of enjoyed L’s company but did her bigger girl impression again (she really does think she is 4 like Davies I’m sure!). Mel and I chatted a bit inbetween me trying unsuccesfully to sort Davies out. After they left I had a bit of a rant and made Davies do a lot of the clearing up of all the mess. Ady got home early and took over bathtime and as soon as they had gone to sleep I shot off to Sainsburys. Curry and chatting with spouse on the menu tonight!
The other news of the day is that it looks like the HE group I went to on Thursday has sort of blown up a bit. The meeting to talk about the future has been cancelled as a few of the members decided they were happy at the current venue and that is that. Myself and another member (who is also a MudPuddler although not on the ring – cryptic eh?) have had another phone chat and put forward the idea that if no-one objects we split off, on a different day to avoid issues (so that people from there can come along if they like to both) to do something along the lines of our vision. We are getting together again soon to talk further but I am pretty excited at the thought of being one of the real starters of something new, I’ve got loads of ideas, as has J for what we want and I am going to start ringing / emailing round some of the local names on my EO and HEAS lists to see if anyone else wants to join in with setting up what we think will be something pretty special. More on that as it happens.
So, I think I have worked through my crap for now, the poem is always a significant part of the line drawing underneath process for me and although we have nothing specific planned for tomorrow it WILL be a better day. And sometimes you need these sort of deep chats with your bloke to keep you on your toes 🙂
So for once we’re a little out of synch…hope you do manage to pull yourself around tomorrow. I used to use poems in a very similar way – to work through stuff, haven’t done that for years now.
I can really empathise with the feelings of it being slightly unfair that Ady gets to work while you’re at home – despite me always having wanted to be at home with the kids it feels unfair sometimes. One of those constant tensions, eh?
Glad you have had a long chat anyway – it is *so* important to have chats as often as possible, I find … and yes, we are interested in the minutae so post them here then bog off and talk about other stuff irl! 😉
*hugs* anyway … 😀
Can’t say I ever covet the work bit, but the 2 hours alone in a car each day often seems quite appealing!
Liked the poem a lot, very expressive. I hope it’s really not all downhill from here though – I expect you have a bit more life left in you somewhere 😉
I agonised over our little kids group for about 6 months – I really didn’t want to tread on people’s toes and so on. But tbh, I think in the long run, in can only do *everyone* in the local HE community good if there is more on offer. The Mapledurham group on Friday I described yesterday was nothing like that 2 years ago, and although I’m not trying to take the credit for its evolution, lol, I think that the increased choice in Berkshire generally has improved the quality of what is on offer.
Handbags and gladrags….
Yeah those two hours driving in the dark in the wind, rain, and ice with maniacal drivers either very early in the morning or after a 10 hour working day are my idea of bliss too 😉
How refreshing to find someone prepared to admit it Chris instead of moaning about how tough it is to leave the house on those dark mornings with only their work colleagues and cups of tea, in house jokes and a heavy work load to greet them at the other end 😀