For want of a better title 😉
Jan asked me last week how it was all going with Tarly and actually although I think she has possibly gotten slightly worse in terms of ‘expressing herself and her rage and her demands’ I feel we have gotten better at dealing with it – which may well explain why she is being slightly more vocal but hopefully is the apex of it before things start to improve or at least level out.
I am trying really hard to deal with her demands calmly and rationally and keep reminding myself that she is not even four yet so large elements of childishness, selfishness and no consideration for others are actually completely normal. Just because she is able to articulate herself so well doesn’t mean she necessarily has all the relevant maturity to go with that, although it is hard to remember at times. She is still very prone to getting herself in a state about something, forgetting what it was and remaining in that state picking up on anything and everything which is particularly challenging, especially if it happens while out and about. Davies is also picking up on the increased attention she gets from the behaviour and either competing with her by coming up with equally crazy demands or doing the equivalent of cartwheels in the background while she kicks off, which is also challenging to balance and I don’t want to simply transfer issues from one child to the other by dealing with one while the other suddenly develops problems so I am working hard to stay on top of that and giving him as much individual attention as I can when I can (even though this seems to just translate as watching him play X box :roll:).
This last week has offered fresh challenges as Tarly has been ill with a cough and a cold, not sleeping at all well so tired too and of course I was not at my best either with my tooth but somehow it managed to not be the nightmare of a week I was expecting or would have been excusable. I am trying to deal with each individual demand or upset in isolation rather than totting them up. If it is a request that I can reasonably meet then I am attempting to as I feel at least part of this is about Tarly getting some control which far from being a bad thing I am viewing as a positive ambition of hers. One of her favourite things to shout at me when in the throes of rage is ‘I am in charge of the house!’ which is obviously something I must have shouted at her previously. Now much though I don’t want her to start believing this to be true I also don’t think it should be true about any of the people who live here – I don’t want to ‘control’ her or ‘own’ her, I just want her to learn how to behave and conduct herself in a way which primarily makes her happy without causing harm, damage or upset to herself or anyone around her. Some requests clearly are not feasible – this weekend examples have been wanting a drink or food RIGHT NOW, when we are in the car travelling somewhere and have no food or drink. Easily solved for the future by carrying food and drink with us (although I hardly think it is actually about being hungry or thirsty – but at least if her request is met then the feeling of control passes back to her). She also wanted to go out in the cold barefoot and without a coat. This is trickier as she is *only* three and she is still recovering from a nasty cold so actually barefoot and coatless in November would be neglectful of me and whilst it might ‘teach her a lesson’ it seems a rather harsh one. The other aspect to her personality is stubborness and she is more than capable of getting very cold and not asking for a coat to save face – she hates to climb down from anything. I’m trying to refrain from reward and punishment and bribes and using the same tactics in the form of cause and effect almost. So it’s been more ‘we can’t go out to the fireworks if you don’t want to wear your wellies and coat because you might get cold or hurt your feet, but it’s up to you’ than ‘put your coat on or we are not going to the fireworks!’. Written down it doesn’t look much different but it felt like more of a reasoning than a threat. She chose not to anyway as there was a film on she wanted to watch instead so it all got averted. 😆
I am trying to manage her expectations a little more too – Davies is far better at anticipating what might happen next and being ready for it – possibly his being two years older but I think it’s more his character. So going home from somewhere still seems to come as a surprise to her and warrants a big fuss.
So far a combination of remaining calmer rather than getting uptight with her and choosing which battles are worth fighting and which are worth surrendering is ensuring that her and I spent less time with our horns locked, are both happy that whilst we have not entirely relinquished ‘control’ we are allowing the other one some points, Tarly is feeling more like she is listened to and respected when it is feasible and starting to accept that when I do ‘pull rank’ (for want of a better phrase) it is for justified and sensible reasons rather than simply because ‘I’m the grown up’. I’m doing plenty of talking things through with her, lots of reassurance that it is okay to be angry, to show your rage etc and generally validating her feelings. And against all parenting manuals and ways of dealing with things I am probably using a fair amount of inconsistency in my approach as I am trying to view each ‘episode’ as an isolated event and deal with it accordingly rather than try and adopt a blanket method.
I think that last sentence is the key really. In life generally you get different reactions from different people at different times. I know for example that I always got away with more with my Dad than with my Mum – so by modern parenting techniques they cocked up there but actually our children get different responses from Ady and I and given that we are two different people I guess they would really. Similarly the approach of playing a certain role or using certain techniques to get people to help me or work with me during my adult life has proven mostly successful and the ability to read a person and a situation and modify behaviour and responses accordingly is a very valuable skill so I’m guessing that if the worst that comes of this is that she learns which buttons to press to get what she wants as long as we are not automatically bowing to foot stamping and fist clenching every time we won’t be doing her any great disservice.
Sounds like things are getting easier for you then 🙂 We have the going out without coat/socks/tights/ anything warm at all problems too. It’s a dilemma for me because I really want to allow her the freedom to decide about this, on the basis that having got uncomfortably cold she’ll probably volunteer to wrap up more warmly afterwards. But I can’t bring myself to take her out to the supermarket in a little summer dress, because I’d be thought to be a bad parent but other people, strangers though they are. In the interests of honesty and openness I’ve actually explained this to her and she kind of understands, but I still hate over-riding her wishes and making her wear a coat. Hmmm.
We have stuff about coats as well. I usually take L outside and stand with him on the pavement for a bit and he is generally ok to admit that it is cold and he does need a coat. P went for years refusing to admit any such thing. She would actually turn blue and start shuddering and still claim she was not cold. I suspect that that was because we were more anxious and inflexible first time round and so we locked horns more.
These days I will always just go (carrying warm layers with me) and offer them in a friendly way a bit later on. I also think it makes you look less like a slack mum if you are waving their coat about and can roll your eyes in a ‘what can you do?’ way at other people!
Shoes are harder.
In general (and I’d say we have two of the ‘spirited’ kind of person here!) we notice that people often seem at their most inflexible and stressed just before they grow a lot, or achieve some new competence. I’m never really sure if that is true but it always makes me feel better if I try to believe it during the tough times.
Totally with you on the not ‘totting them up’ approach to angry ourtbursts. It is hard but I know I’m really not coping when I start saying ‘X child KEEPS/IS ALWAYS/CONSTANTLY does Y annoying thing!’ Much better to keep a blank sheet in my mind and just take it as it comes. I also try to remember moments of pure joy in their existence – like when they were born. Sounds very hippy but it works for me.
Yeah I go for the ‘yes you can go out without warm clothes’ approach, and carry the things – LOL Allie, I also do the waving and rolling of eyes too if a concerned/parental stranger seems interested. And I have mentioned to F that I get stressed partly because of what people will think of me and acknowledged that actually that is pretty silly in the past, which helped me to get over it.
Generally, when we’ve been out for a few minutes she will ask for her coat these days and in fact this hasn’t been an issue yet this year. It definitely improved when I stopped trying to pre-empt it. I bet there are other situations where I’m still doing that, which I could improve too. That’s where my controlling side always comes out – prevent and pre-empt. Victory over myself the other day – I was on the loo and guided F through the process of going down and pouring herself a glass of milk from the fridge without even worrying about mess (mild hemiplegia making this quite a late ‘first’). And she didn’t make any!
Yes I’ve explained the whole ‘other people will think I’m a bad mummy, it’s ‘my job’ to look after you because you are my children’ stuff and Davies totally gets that. Scarlett does get it in her rational moments – today she was sobbing because she didn’t love me and she wanted to at one point so I’m guessing that argument wouldn’t have worked. 😆
So pleased to know I am not alone in still caring a bit about what other people think but actually getting cross with myself for caring. 🙂
Pmsl@ what Tarly shouts at you. Rebecca usually shouts “You aren’t listening to me” which makes me have to stop everything I’m doing and listen as she tells me the same sentence for at least the third time. I am listening but obviously not validating her feelings in the right way. It sounds as though you are dealing with it in a way that makes you feel in control of yourself and thats what its really about.