Taking everyone seriously

There are times when you seem to be really on an uphill slog with parenting, similarly there are times when you can really feel quite smug or congratulate yourself on a job well done. Or there are the times when you sort of shrug and decide that actually in the same way as you are the sort of person you are and are able to do really quite little about it other than be aware of it, then how the hell can you make much difference to the inherant make up and personality of another person, even if they are *only* a child.

When I was pregnant with Davies I spent virtually the whole nine months reading about parenthood, talking to friends, work colleagues and often random strangers about parenting, trying to firm up clear ideas about what sort of parent I’d be, what ‘techniques’ I would use and how I would ‘manage’ my children. For the first year or so of his life I was very happy to take advice from and listen to the ‘wisdom’ of others – from official folk like Health Visitors and authors such as Dr Christopher Green, to real life ‘experienced’ mothers I met at toddler groups and baby clinics to the online ideas and suggestions in parenting forums and newsgroups.

When I fell pregnant with Scarlett I read all of the available ‘manuals’ on how to deal with the relationship triangle between siblings, mother and first born and mother and new baby. But there was a definite subtle change. Now I was after practical advise on how the hell you managed bedtime with two small children if your husband didn’t get home from work til 10pm a couple of times a week, how to deal with a child who was used to being cuddled to sleep when you had another one you rarely put down and spent her most wakeful hour of the day at precisely the same time as it was bedtime for her older brother. Nappies, weaning, breastfeeding, managing to leave the house in under an hour without taking four baby changing bags with you were all old news.

Then when Davies was about 3.5 years and Scarlett was 18 months or so we moved back to Sussex. We took the eventual decision to Home Educate. The two mothers who had babies slightly older than Davies and had therefore been my gurus when he was tiny, leading me along their path a few weeks after treading it with their own baby and therefore being my ‘resident experts’ both were starting with their second baby and coming to me for advice about juggling two children’s needs. My ideas about what parenting changed, evolved, were challenged and developed according far more to who I was and who my two individual children were than in accordance with anything else. I realised that there was no magic formula (or even magic breastfeeding 😉 ) and that everyone had their doubts and fears, the areas they struggled with, the child that came along and broke the mould, for whom controlled crying didn’t solve sleep issues, for whom naughty steps didn’t manage tantrums and for whom counting to three had no greater effect than you counting to three about 400 times a day. I realised that whilst other people could offer advice and often see things you couldn’t ultimately the right way to parent was the way which came naturally to you, what felt right, what was most true to who you were and dealt most lovingly, sympathetically and considerately with who your children were. I suppose in coming to realise that ‘one size fits all’ education is likely to be a poor fit for pretty much every individual the same is true of parenting. I have often been heard to say that I believe we parent according to the sort of person we are – if you are a shouty, impatient person you are likely to be a shouty impatient mother. I am also inclined to want to show my children the true me – I grew up knowing both my parents very well – I know all their failing and weaknesses but I similarly know all their strengths and amazing qualities too. I would hope that already if someone asked my children to describe me they would come up with a fairly accurate picture which would imediately mark me out as their mother in a crowd.

So I still look at other parents and sometimes think ‘Oh I would deal with that like this’ but that’s just it, *I* would indeed deal with it like that but it doesn’t mean they should, doesn’t mean it would work or pan out within their own family environment does it? When we first planned to have children Ady and I planned for him to stay at home with the children and for me to remain working – I often ponder on how different and in what ways the children would be if that had been what happened. I do think there are elements of nature in our make up – I can clearly see what traits of mine both Davies and Scarlett (particularly Scarlett :lol:) have and I think they would still have them even if I’d buggered off and left them to be raised by wolves from birth. But I think nurture plays a big role in development and firming who we are too.

Raising children is one big experiment really isn’t it? One of the better books I read during my baby manual phase was ‘I’m Okay – you’re a brat!’ which was a great ressurance for the responsibility burdened early mother and talked about a child’s ‘circle of being’ stating that whilst the parents did indeed have a large role to play in a child’s development there were other influences which could hold equally important roles too. It mentioned relatives and friends, teachers and coaches, peer groups and friends as all playing an important part in shaping a child. It mentioned how a chance encounter could play a far greater role in who a child grew up to become than all the contrived effort in the world. I think most of us could name someone inspirational to us – a teacher, a parent, a celebrity and equally someone damaging to us – again a teacher, parent, school bully etc. I can offer examples of people I know with a duo of really shite parents who are still fantastic people and equally people with two wonderful parents who have turned out dreadfully.

So my point – and if you’ve made it this far, congratulations! Your prize is you get to read my point 😉 is that we would be very egotistical if we thought we got to take all the credit or indeed get all the blame for who and what our children are now and who and what they become in the future. We do indeed have a great responsiblity and duty to do the best we can by them though – if for no other reason that in these early years their ‘circle of being’ is very much controlled by us. I see my role as a mother to be to love and cherish my children, to be there and have them be utterly confident and secure that I will always be there, to provide basic needs such as clothing, food and shelter, to facilitate an education and realisation of the world around them, to help them be aware of their own potential and to offer as much support and assistance in them realising that potential as I can. To give them the skills to reach as high as they wish to reach, to teach them the skills they need to survive and succeed in the world around them, to help them fit into society, to show them right from wrong, to lead by example and to open their eyes to the world around them and offer them as many choices as I can, to help them develop a conscience and a sense of responsibility, to think of others and to demonstrate respect, tolerance and understanding. Which is all starting to sound rather like the sorts of things we used to ask God to help us do in assembly at primary school 😆 My job is to put their batteries in and turn their button to ‘on’, to point them in the right direction and let them go, but to be there waiting for them if they need to come back.

Which brings me to my current parenting challenge :-). Scarlett is currently demonstrating some of the traits which I am confident will not only serve her well in life generally but will lead her to great things if that is what she wants to do. She is wilful, determined, single minded, dogmatic and focussed. All great qualities in an adult (well depending on what you want from life obviously, but certainly qualities I personally would celebrate) but in a three year old they are mostly demonstrated in a rather tricky way to handle for the average parent. And in ways that don’t necessarily compliment family life, compromise and taking others thoughts and feelings into account. 🙄 It is really easy to label a child, to make battles out of things which are simply not important enough to clash over. At my parents yesterday there was a lot of eye rolling and sighing and I imagine they would have muttered about her after we left for being ‘difficult’. But it would be all too easy to knock that out of her over time, to give her the message that her needs are not important or worthy of making a fuss over, to teach her to never challenge ‘authority’ or that ‘grown ups are always right’. Today at Home Ed group she decided while I was tidying up that she hadn’t finished using the glue I was trying to pour back into the glue pot, got really cross, screamed at me and then knocked over all the glue pots. My own temper slightly flared I took her away from the table and sat on a sofa with her, half cuddling and half restraining her, all the while talking to her calmly and trying to pacify her a bit. If we’d been at home I would have simply taken her to her room and closed the door on her where she would probably have calmed down an awful lot quicker and then come and apologised and carried on with her day. It is not about sending her to her room as a punishment so much as removing her from a situation both for her own benefit and that of others around her. I am prone to do the same thing with myself when I lose my temper. She is being particularly defiant at the moment, challenging me a lot, disagreeing for the sake of it and generally testing. It is not naughtiness and it is not the biggest part of our day by any means, within home or a quieter place it is relatively easy to deal with but in public it is somewhat trickier and I am ever mindful of trying to accomodate both my desire to not squash all her spirit out of her at the same time as fulfillling what I see as my responsibility both to her and society generally of raising a child who is pleasant to be around. I should probably write these outbursts off as normal ‘toddler’ behaviour but as I forsee ever more clashes and battles of will ahead, specifically for Tarly and I, I would love to find a solution which doesn’t feel quite so demanding and exhausting for us both.