Life and death

Davies and Scarlett spent loads of time this morning watching a Shaun the Sheep dvd I’d brought home from work for them. Davies is already getting excited about the new W&G film (matter of loaf and death). I spent some time looking over a report for Ady that he’s been battling with at work. Both the children did some bedroom tidying and then I made some cheese scones for lunch (no bread) and some chocolate chip cookies for afterwards. I’ve borrowed a really nice book from work and wanted to try making something from it but didn’t have any more exciting ingredients. The cookies were nice though and more successful than my usual ill fated attempts at cooking cookies.

Davies has been saying lately he’d really like to master reading and he suggested yesterday that he does some reading to me each day after lunch to practise so I reminded him of that and far from my anticipated response from him of ‘I’ll do it tomorrow’ he grabbed a book and came and sat with me. He read over half of it fairly fluently and then I finished it off. Scarlett still maintains she is not interested in ‘learning’ to read but I suspect she can’t help herself ;). They both did loads of drawings – Davies did a four scene story which he then came and told to me. Scarlett told me she wants to be a zoo keeper and a ‘painting artist’ when she grows up so we discussed various ways of balancing the two and making a living :). Davies toyed with the idea of designing DS games and then said actually no, he’d rather be making real things you could touch still.

I had 20 minutes of trying on every black item of clothing I own before going back to my original planned outfit and then I dropped Davies and Scarlett off with my Dad and drove to the crematorium for Emilie’s funeral. There is a very long lane which leads to the crem. probably about a mile or so and the hearse was being led by a horse infront, behind which Emilie’s parents and brother were walking so there was a massive tail back of cars. I was slightly fretful that the horse wasn’t for Emilie’s funeral and that I’d be late as it took about 10 minutes to get up the lane but it was for Emilie and I parked and joined the other 7 staff who were attending from the library.

It was a huge funeral, well over 200 people I would say, many of them young friends from school and university. We were all given a flower to hold during the ceremony and the filed in to the chapel. There were colour leaflets with Emilie’s picture on the front listing the order of service in what was called a Celebration of Emilie’s life rather than her funeral. It was unbelieveably, utterly heartbreakingly sad. It was overseen by a Celebrant who first talked at length about suicide, how those left behind feel and how we should be feeling, what Emilie’s personal spiritual and religious beliefs were and how to move on from our sadness. Emilie’s parents and brother then stood up and her father read her suicide note. This was both comforting and tragic and clearly the words of an intelligent, articulate woman who had made a decision she was at peace with and wanted to offer some comfort to those she knew it would devastate. I think most of us were sobbing rather than silently weeping at that.

There were then remembrance words from her brother and several of her friends, a poem someone had written about her, shared memories and stories about her and a very clear picture painted of who she was and who she had been. It was very obvious at this point that the girl we had met at the library was someone already broken and ill with depression at the end of her life as the person described was all but unrecognisable from the one we knew. I wish I’d met the real Emilie rather than the shadow of her former self.

There was then a speech from a Buddist woman. Emilie was not a Buddist but her mother is and had asked her to say a few words. This was very hard as emotions were running high and whilst I have plenty of respect for the beliefs and comforts of others there was massive comedic value in this woman’s performance complete with flowing rainbow clothing, chanting and a little bell that she rang to call the spirits. None of us were catching each others eyes and I noticed many stifled giggles around the room.

There were rainbow post it notes around the room on the backs of chairs and they asked that anyone who had a memory or thought for Emilie that they’d like to share write it down and then the ceremony ended with everyone going forward to lay their flower on the coffin and stick their post it notes on it. The coffin was covered with single flowers and a full layer of post it notes by the end.

I learnt a lot today. I learnt about someone I only briefly knew and how we often only see one side of someone, or even just a brief snapshot of who they are and how we can alter and change during different times of our lives. I learnt just how deep some people can be. I got a bit of an insight into depression as an illness, one that can actually kill and whilst I doubt, thankfully, I will ever really understand it I think I got a glimpse into what might push someone into the act of taking their own life.

I collected Davies and Scarlett from my parents and Ady had already beaten us home. Scarlett got ready for Rainbows and we walked round there. They made snowflakes today which Scarett really enjoyed and infact carried on sitting down making long after all the other rainbows had given up and gone off to play something else :). For show and tell she took the ragrug I made her, a photo that Ady’s company is using for publicity of Scarlett and a potato growing kit and a white cuddly bear.

Home again to drop her off and head out to get some bits for dinner. Ady and Davies had been drawing so she joined in with that and then they all tidied up while I was gone. Tonight she fell asleep for the first time ever without her dummy :). It is unlikely to happen again tomorrow as Ady and I are going out but at least she now knows she can do it and we can carry on working on it next week in the same low key, baby steps way we’ve done it so far.